Incitement to an invective

I'm enjoying my gradual return to normal sleeping hours. It's nice to wake up in the morning and then go doing things in daylight hours. Not something you can really explain to someone who doesn't work nights. It's just nice. I've got two weeks of it and I'm pleased about that. Yesterday I woke nice and early and went shopping in town for presents. My girlfriend has finally given me a list of specific gifts she wants as have my Mum and Sister. Excellent. It was annoying me that I might have to guess.* Then once I'd got all my presents I wandered back to my car..

" 'Scuse me mate, I'm not a begger or nuffin' "

"Good, I'm very busy"

"Can I lend a couple of quid"

"No, I'm busy and I've got my hands full"

That annoys me. Why lie? He clearly was a beggar. I've got my arms full of stuff. Why should I give money to a lying beggar? Oh, he's swearing at me now as I leave him in the distance. So not only was he a liar but he was rude as well.

Hang on, surely this guy's not another one? He's just a student who's let himself go a bit isn't he?

" Oi, mate. Can you help me out mate?"

Another one! What's the deal here? Two beggars in the space of five minutes. This guy's going for the hippy / beggar look though. Is that better or worse? Shouldn't hippies be all nice and middle class? I'll ignore him.

"Thank god, you're the nicest person in Sheffield, everyone else has ignored me, I need some money for my train fare"

F#ck off! I'm ignoring you! I didn't, haven't even looked at you. Why are you talking to me? I'm not talking to you. I've got presents and things. Bloody hippy beggar!

I'm not saying he's got an easy life or anything, I am saying I've got a right to walk round my own city without getting harrased by other people's problems. What I really need is beggar spray. Bit like a cross between fly spray and pepper spray. It'd be the best for everyone. But in this instance I couldn't use it. My arms are full of presents.

Now in my car, I feel sorry for them and a bit bad about my beggar spray thoughts. Poor blokes have just fallen on hard times. Probably after a period of lazy times eh? Should get a bloody job! Little scrotes. Oops, there I go again. I check myself and remember that society is to blame for everything. Society and Tony Blair and The Lizards. Merry Xmas.

NM

* Got an email off a mate of mine about this which made me laugh:

"Hello Nickoli,

Been scanning your blog - I reckon you need to increase your oily fish intake - omega 3 oils 'll help you get your brain in order and improve your sleeping patterns. Bet you don't like proper fish - but get yourself to Morrison's pick up some smoked mackerel in a sealed packet - lasts for ages and you can eat it cold or grilled, either way a piece of piss. If you're feeling more adventurous grab some fresh salmon fillets, wrap em in tin foil with a teaspoon full of butter and couple of cherry tomatoes, and whack it in the oven for 20 to 25 minutes on 180. It might even sort your feet out. It's brilliant stuff, full of protein, all the nutrients you need and the lard'll drop off - make it your New Year's resolution.

Xmas pressies - here's a good test for whether girlfriend will tell you the truth when giving her a naff gift - buy her the stuff she wants, wrap em up, as you see fit, then get a steam iron box, a pan set, a blender, anything you know she'll be absolutely devastated to receive and put the other presents in the box. To make it really special, wrap it in news paper and scrawl on it in crayon "Merry Xmas to my girlfriend". If she doesn't try to beat you senseless before opening, the look of false delight on her face will be priceless, and a very useful reference for any future little white lies she might be tempted to tell.

Keep the faith Rick."

-

Excellent email methinks. Bit like this one off another mate:

"Today my athlete's foot is looking widespread but flakey, just how I like it. I am using steroid cream on it. It's providing a good fun itch but is a bit tender.

Laughed my arse off at this comment. It perfectly describes how every athele's foot sufferer feels. It's great to scratch but there's such a blurred boundary between the pleasure of intense scratching and the pain that lies ahead. Maybe that's how the Marquis de Sade started off in his youth. By the way, what athletic activities have you been involved in recently?

AB"

I'm all up for more emails off people about the blog if we've got any readers? It's hard to tell since I burned the hit counter off it. If you do want to email me my address is Nick@hallamfm.co.ukbut it's got a very strict filter on it so don't go sending porn and stuff it won't get there. Also I won't be in work for a bit so expect a delay until I reply. I'll try and put a few more emails up if the response is good. It says that 384 people have looked at my profile!

If you're interested my athlete's foot is looking quite cheeky at the moment and I've just had a nice little itch before coming to write this. Lovely.

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