So, it's Xmas Eve. The Eve of the birth of Santa. Santa of course is a little fat bloke who is frankly the source of all of our society's ills. However, He has friends in high places so I can only talk about this once. After that I'm afraid I'll have to deny that I ever spoke of it. Lets look at the evidence that Santa is Evil and controls the world shall we?
Firstly this Santa bloke, his name sounds a bit like Satin. Do you think that's a co-incidence? No of course not. Secondly he always dresses in red - the colour of blood and hell. Thirdly he looks a bit like a tramp with his long beard*.
Fourthly everyone seems to like him. This reason takes a bit of explaining. You know when you're at a party and some cnut comes in and is Mr Super Popular and everyone likes him and laughs at all his jokes? And you're sat there in the corner no longer the centre of attention, even though you've practically invented late night local radio broadcasting and internet weblog writing? Do you ever get the feeling that Mr Super Popular isn't quite as perfect as he makes out? Yes, so do I. If everyone likes someone they, dear reader, must surely be hiding their cnutishness from everyone. It's up to you to expose it somehow. That's what I'm doing with Santa.
Fifthly, it's generally accepted by The Mainstream Media that Santa doesn't exist. This is of course loblocks like everything else 'They' spout. Only here and now will you get 'the truth'. Now I've got a bit of the spirit of the season in me. Let's tell it how it is! He's real alright. Not only is He real but He's the Head Honcho. He's one of, if not the, Mainline Guy! How does he get all this power and sway over people?
Santa bribes the population with material goods and the idea that if you're good you'll get more presents than if you're bad. Morality is therefore something over which he has complete control. Sod a Judge and Jury. Sod complex questions of intent and perception. He decides right and wrong. No one else! This moral certainty from a drink driver! Santa drinks LOADS of Sherry and then drives his sleigh.
And He's an advertising whore! He'll advertise anything. Fizzy drinks, crisps, shops, supermarkets, bottled water etc etc. He'll be doing stairlifts and life insurance soon. No morals at all. Yet he decides if you've been good or not?
Well, no actually. The basis he uses to decide who gets good presents and who gets rubbish ones is a lot less pleasant. He gives good presents to rich people and rubbish ones to the poor. Why is this? Because he knows who runs this joint baby! He's been cosying up to the big cheeses for longer than anyone else.
The result of this is that we've created a society where kids are taught that if they make Santa happy they're good people. To do this you must be rich. Hence the greedy world we live in!
Don't mess with Him though, He knows where you live.
*Don't get me wrong I have nothing against tramps. I'm just using it as a way of adding more weight to the character slur. This will only work if you're anti-tramp. If you are, perhaps you could invent an anti-tramp gun. It'd be used only as a deterrant, like Britain's nukes, to dissuade gentlemen of the road from hassling the great and the good.