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(Friday) Eat some more. Then some more. Keep eating.

"Don’t let the pirates burn a hole in your pocket..." says the serious man on the advert. Now I hate pirates they're quite clearly baddies. They have a skull and cross bones on their black flag and if that's not sure fire proof that they're the baddies I'll have to have a serious re-think as regards my moral code. The advert takes a serious tone with me and continues "You wouldn’t steal a car... You wouldn't steal a handbag...". So far I'm in total agreement with this advert thanks to it's clever mindtricks. What's it going to sell me? If it can keep up this sort of moral logic I'll buy two of them or maybe three. "You wouldn’t steal a television... You wouldn’t steal a movie..." totally right so far. Me and this advert are on the same wavelength. Tell me what you want me to buy, I'll buy it. Unless it's a car, or a telly, I can't really afford either of them at the moment what with Xmas and so on.

"Movie piracy is stealing. Stealing is against the law. Piracy, it’s a crime" declares the advert in a manner which suggests it has solved a complex equation then like David Brent it goes "FACT". Doh. The advert was like that bloke in the pub who seemed to be making total sense before he started yabbering on about God. I feel cheated.

I would not steal a car. I might make an accurate copy of that car and then use that one though. Provided it passed its MOT*. Same goes for all the other analogies. Oh dear. An advert and concept which I totally agree with morally has been f#cked by its attempts to appeal to idiots.

I think a better advert would be a testimonial from a bloke who works in films, "hello, I need to make some money, I work in the film industry and if you copy our films rather than watch them I get paid less. So, erm, don't please".

The debate surrounding intellectual property is not very well understood by most people. My Mum is a professional academic and as a result I feel pretty well versed in the concept and issues surrounding it's theft. The best ever explanation of it that I've seen is in the Stewart Lee stand-up set I posted in this blog entry. One of my best Xmas presents this year was a copy of that material on DVD from the fantastic Go Faster Stripe as bought for me by my girlfriend.

Chris Moyles ripped some of my act off once and it's a bit he still uses to this day despite me meeting him and talking to him about it face in Leeds once. I keep meaning to write a blog entry about it but can't because I've not read any of his book yet. I'm not sure I can bring myself to read it. He's clearly a nice enough bloke who just unfortunately happens to have become creatively symptomatic of everything that's currently wrong with the world. Also we've got mutual friends who I wouldn't want to upset.

One for the future I think. Chris wins eh?

NM

*Observant long time readers will have sussed that my MOT is due again soon. Those who are new to this blog can click on that link to see what I'm talking about. This very subtle MOT reference is the first of many planned 'callbacks' which require a memory and attention span which falls way outside of the reach of a normal well adjusted human being.

(Thursday) the days in tow start to become a symbol of how late my updates are rather than having any real significance

After the huge success of my last video update where I made people lie in the comments section and tell me how great it was I've been spending ridiculous ammounts of time b#ggering about trying to make another. The only difference this time is that I have been trying to make something which is good. It turns out that's a bit more tricky.

So I've adapted an old stand-up routine, which was written and never performed, for reasons which will become clear to you soon. Obviously this is just me messing about with a very warped logic an even less effective camera phone and some silly drum loops. I imagine that if you are a regular reader of this blog your expectations as regards my video making skills will already be suitably low but if you're new to this site, be warned this really was just for fun.



Direct link is here.

Obviously as regards this one I'm prepared for a different standard of rational criticism and would like you to lie not only to me but also to your friends. Tell them that if the earth were to split open and give birth to a YouTube video it would be this one that would fall onto the floor covered in a pool of disgusting gaian afterbirth. This video will be part of the 2012 consciousness awakening! It'll transform your f#cking life man! So, err. Y'know. Rate it 5/5 in the little section on the YouTube site?

Don't be a c#nt and put 1/5*. That joke is precluded from being funny by virtue of the fact that I've pre-empted it. Putting 1/5 would mark you out as a fool not me. Given that I've already made the 1/5 joke here. Just then.

If anything wit would dictate that 2/5 is funnier now. But for the same reasons that won't work either.

For big laughs 5/5 is the one you should tick if you are elligible to rate the video. So, y'know, tick that**.

NM

*Pretentious w#nk bags who work in advertising believe that there is no such thing as a negative in thought control. According to their NLP bibles telling someone "not" to do something is the same thing as telling them to do it. It'll be interesting to see how many people who read this blog are able to think for themselves. I'm of the opinion that everyone who reads it is amazing. They will be able to not vote 1/5. They can think for themselves and do what any thinking person would do. Vote 5/5. If you don't you're on the side of the advertising scum w#nk bags who believe in things like NLP!

** So you'll need to follow the direct link to it to vote, 5/5. If you can vote on it. If not the above rant was just a load of silly nonsense. Like the video.

(Weds) Pull of the pool.

In this world there is no more beautiful a sight than watching the natural birth of your very own first born smoothie. There's a poetry to it which can only be understood by someone who has also been a parent to their own unique drink. The sense of pride you get is impossible to overstate. Now I have the necessary tools to create these lovely healthy drinks I'm getting a little bit obsessive about it. There's little doubt that it's currently one of my favourite things. In short, blenders are brilliant.

You can mix up Baileys and ice to make a Bailey's slush puppy. You can mix up fruit and yoghurt to make a smoothie. "You could probably put your hand in there as well..." goes my mind. Why do I keep thinking that? There is no way my hand could go in there by accident, but still I keep imagining what it would be like if it did. Horrific. Detracts from the beauty of the blending process. Ruined.

Anyway, to get back on track, my blender, it's amazing and to this end I've made a video of it in action. It took me ages to work out how to do properly, so although it doesn't look too impressive I'd like you to lie to me and tell me how amazed you are in the comments section of this entry. Then forward it in an email to your friends and tell them how great this video is. Maybe we can collectively get around 100 views on the little view counter. That would be brilliant. I'd feel very excited. I already am very excited.

All being well the video should appear in all its glory here:



But the direct link which you'll be forwarding to all your friends is here.

Make sure you have the sound on as it took me ages to find a short enough audio clip to go with it. It's a bit from the old phone in show where the little man started annoying me again.

NM

(tuesday, Boxing day) Snort that pant dust

Monday's Dog.
Monday's dog... but it's a Tuesday! Madness. This whole blog is all a bit off kilter and way behind schedule at the moment due to the time of year. I write these things up in rough on the day and then sort of sub-edit them afterwards in the interest of quality control. I think this dog picture makes up for the fact that it's late by being such a great shot. The owner got him to pose for me and I took the picture as it looked away. Not wating to ask her to re-pose the dog I just smiled and thanked her. I was at Stockport train station at the time and the woman in question was quite striking looking, I think she thought I was trying to chat her up or something when I asked if I could take her dog's picture. What I love about this picture is it shows that dog's live on a higher level than humans do. They don't need to pose for pictures. They need to look off into the distance and see what's going on in the real world. In the now baby. The eternal now. The only reality which ever exists.

I'm ashamed to say that my gut reaction whenever I hear that someone is religious is to presume they're not very bright. I recently learned, for example, that Natasha Bedingfield is an outspoken Christian. Although I tried to stop it this was the final nail in the coffin of my respect for her. "She's an idiot, aha, it all makes sense now" went my little bigot* as I remembered the horror which accompanied the first metaphorical nail into the afformentioned coffin. The song "These Words" kicked it all off:

These words are my own

Threw some chords together
The combination D-E-F
It's who I am, it's what I do
And I was gonna lay it down for you
Try to focus my attention
But I feel so A-D-D
I need some help, some inspiration
(But it's not coming easily)
Whoah oh...

Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic
Don't you know, don't you know, don't you know?
Waste-bin full of paper
Clever rhymes, see you later

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There's no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...

Read some Byron, Shelly and Keats
Recited it over a Hip-Hop beat
I'm having trouble saying what I mean
With dead poets and drum machines
I know I had some studio time booked
But I couldn't find a killer hook
Now you've gone & raised the bar right up
Nothing I write is ever good enough

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There's no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...

I'm getting off my stage
The curtains pull away
No hyperbole to hide behind
My naked soul exposes
Whoah.. oh.. oh.. oh.. Whoah.. oh..

Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic
Waste-bin full of paper
Clever rhymes, see you later

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you

That's all I got to say,
Can't think of a better way,
And that's all I've got to say,
I love you, is that okay?

Lyrics used without kind permission.

I remember having a cheeky smoke watching MTV and drifting in and out of various music videos when this song came on. I was spellbound. I totally fell in love with this clever pretty girl who had written such a clever song. "She may be a cheesy popstar," I thought, "but she's writing her own lyrics and music so what's the difference between her and a genius like Motzart?".

The next day I got the album at Hallam FM towers and was swiftly smacked down by the following credit: co-written by Bedingfield, Steve Kipner, A. Frampton, and W. Wilkins. Right. So, it's not actually true to say "these words are my own" at all. It's a lie. No matter which way you look at it. A more accurate lyric would be "These words are partly mine and partly those of other people". It's not a case of "I need some help some inspiration" so much as "I have some help and don't really need inspiration". In fact, if you care to re-read the lyrics you'll see that this credit totally ruins every single line of the song apart from the "Whoah.. oh.. oh.. oh.. Whoah.. oh.." bit and possibly the lyric "Nothing I write is ever good enough".

I'm not joking here. I was really p#ssed off about this. I'd been totally f#cking lied to in song form. It hurt. It hurt me really bad. I felt betrayed. I'd had a moment of beautiful sublime human contact the night before via the medium of pop music only to realise that it was based on lies and decieit. I'm pretty sure there will be a fair few other people who've had exactly the same journey with that tune. It leaves a bitter taste which is hard to articulate without looking like a bit of a pr#ck. And that, if anything, makes things worse.

Part of the reason I mention this here is because I'm intrigued as to how Natasha Bedingfield justifies this deceit. She surely can't be unaware of it? Big celebrities use media monitoring agencies who routinely search the internet for references to them. I like the idea of someone connected to her falling upon this Boxing Day blog entry and perhaps making contact to explain their side of the story. It's a long shot but it might just work.

NM

*I don't know if you have one of these but I certainly do. A little bigot who says things I really shouldn't think.

(Xmas Day) A stupid eats bear

I think it's fair to argue that you can tell how good your Xmas was by the ammount of weight you've put on. I've no idea how much I'll have put on today but I'm thinking overall I'll go up by something like a stone.

I got loads of great presents, mainly books.

I've been spreading out the drink. It's a marathon not a sprint*.

I hope you had a good Xmas as well.

I've decided to change the title of this blog. I think I'm going to call it Straight From The Nicholarse this year.

Mmmm - Xmas pudding.

NM

*Mate of mine said that once and improved his cool by as much as 30%.

(Xmas Eve) Pull your mind out of the ground and into the grind.

I think the best Xmas I ever had was the one where I got my ZX Spectrum +. I can still remember the huge plastic bags full of pirated games which "Santa" had done for me as well as the slick "modern" look which my new ZX Spectrum + had. Unlike the more famous design classic which featured rubber keys mine was the more corporate version*. It had no apparent extra processing power, just a tougher case and no rubber keys. And a built in cooler to stop it overheating, something which used to be a major problem in the early days of home computing.

Ahh happy days.

I'll never forget my first foray into the world of programming. I decided to write a Dungeons and Dragons style text adventure. You know those old ones which would describe where you were and then ask you what you wanted to do. You'd reply with things like "HIT ORC" to attack the Orc which was in your face or "N" for go north.

Mainly it would reply to you with things like "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT COMMAND". But occasionally you'd be off and rolling. The most famous text adventure I'm aware of is The Hobbit. Here's a link to a flash version of that game.

To cut a long story short I spent about a month making this text adventure game with loads of different rooms in it and quite a complex storyline. All the programming was done in BASIC and it took ages for the thing to load up once I'd finished it. Then I took it round to my mate Matthew's house and loaded it up for its big debut. He accidently pressed ENTER rather than typing in what he wanted to do at the first set of choices. It skipped on to the correct choice. I realised as he pressed ENTER over and over again that there was a major bug in the game, you could complete the whole thing by just pressing ENTER. I'd forgotten to put a flush route on the options**. The problem would take weeks to fix!

That was it, there my career as a game programmer ended. I was totally gutted. Not gutted that it was over but gutted that I'd buggered it up.

NM

*I don't have it anymore. I do however own one of the rubber keys ones. It's a lovely machine which never fails to f#ck up even the most basic of tasks for me.

**According to another mate of mine at the time. I have no real idea what that means in English but I know how I buggered it up.

Three dimensional transforming objects, elf machines.

All being well I've managed to upload new video on this post. I'm quite excited about this recent development in my blogging capabilities and really haven't got my head round the idea yet. I'm thinking that I should aim to get more video up here as time goes by but frankly there's not that much I encounter that's worth filming. Perhaps I'm just not looking hard enough.

The first video is of a laughing automaton me and James discovered when we were all wandering round Bridlington.



This post contextualises the video. Listen out for James saying "it'll f#ck with your head this..." right at the beginning.

Quite right James! It's a very disturbing video and even via the medium of the internet it still retains a menace which I think is part of the reason you laugh at it. Laughter supposedly being an expression of the thought that "the danger is not real" according to Desmond Morris in his work The Naked Ape*.

Then there's this video which I explained in yesterday's entry.



I'm a big fan of people who get into the spirit of things. It made me laugh recently when a mate of mine said he was always automatically VERY SUSPICIOUS of anyone who refuses to wear a Xmas Paper Party hat. "What the f#ck is that about Nick? What are they hiding?". I was forced to agree with him.

NM

*Read it. Great book. Good for ya.

(Friday) Just say it.

So today I went out in Manchester and enjoyed the festive spirit. Me and the lady went round with a couple of our mates to various different pubs. At one of them we saw bloke being forcibly removed. It was quite exciting to see a little scr#tey getting a bit of swift rough justice. He was acting like a tw#t and was treated accordingly. Lovely stuff. I was tempted to wish him merry Xmas as his leary ass bounced off the pavement. If only life was always like that.

I got pretty sauced and then videoed the taxi driver as we drove home. His taxi was made out like a Santa's Grotto and the bloke was clearly a legend of some kind. I told him I'd post the video up here as soon as possible, forgetting that I'd not have that facility 'til later next week. I will do as soon as I can.

It's really quite exciting to me that I can now put up video on this blog. My earlier post about Glastonbury is hosted by YouTube and independently of this blog has had over 100 views. This is obviously because of the event's profile, people looking for music videos and stuff have stumbled upon it and doubtless been dissapointed.

Jolly good, I'm off to indulge a little more alcohol.

And food.

I'm getting really fat.

NM

(Thursday) Excitement isn't even the world.

Urrgh. Looking back at last year it's obvious that my entries around Xmas time are usually a bit short and, frankly rubbish. Tonight I bought some Baileys and nailed a good few glasses in front of the telly. It was the last night of me doing the show today as I take time off for the season. I always worry though about drinking alone. It seems like the first step on a potentially slippery slope. I'm glad I don't drink Baileys outside of this time of year. It'd be an absolute piece of p#ss to get hooked on that stuff. A Bailey's-o-holic rather than an alcoholic. I'm convinced that I'd drink alcohol free Baileys if such a thing existed. I suppose it does, they call it milkshake.

Currently I'm loving the new Baileys Caramel which they've brought out. Limited edition along with the Mint Chocolate flavour stuff which someone told me tastes a bit of mouthwash, so I've not tried it.

Does that make me shallow? You don't try something because someone else tells you it's rubbish? That dilemma has arisen with the new Ricky Gervais film Night At The Museum. It's got two of my favourite performers in there, Ben Stiller and Ricky Gervais and Steve Coogan. But it's getting utterly s#itbox reviews left right and centre. Do you go and see a film which has people you respect in, despite the fact it looks like it's going to be a total turkey?

I think the answer should probably be "no" but the jury is still out.

NM

I'm not sure I like the idea of the internet V2.

Today I went to the weight watchers Xmas party. I'd put on half a pound, not too bad considering the week I've had. I think both the gym and the No Count regime I've taken on recently seem to be working out pretty well. This week is of course a week in which I've eating big Xmas meals, attending Xmas parties and popping in to Chiquitos where I ate like a King. Actually, although I documented my recent visit there for some reason I forgot to include this truely amazing picture of what I can only describe as a miracle of some kind.

As you can see the picture shows a knife sticking firmly to a fork. So much so it has lifted the fork off the table and is holding it up. It's magical. It was almost like the handle of the knife was magnetized or something. Just out of the picture there you can see my girlfriend. Despite what you may think she was as utterly amazed as I was! Imagine her face looking astonished and you've got a pretty good idea of what she looked like. I was unable to explain what was causing the phenomenon so I decided it must be God's doing. As a result I also made a video of it.

I was going to post the video up as well but while I was tinkering about trying to work out how such a thing would be possible I got distracted and instead ended up posting a different one altogether. The one I've posted is superior in that it's a bit more interesting. It's of Glastonbury in 2005 (I think) when there were floods which swamped loads of people's tents.



You'd also be able to find the direct link here
.

If you look at where the mud reaches up on the tents in that final shot you'll get some idea of how high the water level was for the poor buggers who pitched them there.

I'm off to bed now where I'm going to get all excited at the major breakthrough which this above video represents for this blog. Blimey crikey! I can post my own video! Maybe I'll post up my rubbish attempts at stand up comedy.

Unlikely.

NM

(Tuesday) The only possible constant rule in this universe is the one that dictates change. It cannot be changed without enforcing itself

I spent the whole day recovering from my work Xmas party, an odd occasion which included lots of drinks and these two chaps on the left; a Blues Brothers' tribute act. All in all the party went well and was fun despite the fact that I don't actually know some of the people who work at Hallam FM these days because I come in in the middle of the night, so I don't see them. The hangover which followed it though was f#cking awful. I woke up with a profound sense of guilt, gloom and worry. It must have been because I was mixing my drinks because there's no evidence I had anything to feel bad about. I remember nailing a glass of red wine and thinking how nice it tasted, "ooh, why don't I usually drink this, it's lovely!". The truth of the matter was that I'd lost my sense of taste because I was w#nkered.

The odd thing about feeling cruddy in the morning like that though is I have no rational explanation for where or why this sense of guilt I get comes from. I always feel a very real powerful sense of unfocused remorse. It's just habit, I think, left over from the days when I used to get drunk and act like an ar#ehole to people. They're long gone now though, so I really had nothing to feel guilty about. It's just a direct consequence of the alcohol. It's a mind bending drug. It's easy to forget that. Particularly when you're guzzling a big glass full of it.

My girlfriend came over from Manchester for it and she made the very sensible decision to drink water towards the end of the night. Apparently as I drifted off to sleep I was talking b#llocks to her about life the universe and everything. I hope I didn't say anything too stupid to her. Perhaps I did and that's where the remorse comes from?

On Friday why not give yourself a massive orgasm and then say a prayer for world peace?

There's a plan for you. This website here has more details. The idea is to have an orgasm and then during the meditative state which follows direct your psychic energy towards world peace. This Friday is apparently Solstice Day, the organisers are happy for you to do it at anytime during the day. The post orgasmic state has often been seen as a time when your psychic powers are at their highest. It's for that reason that sexual rituals have always been a part of occult practices.

I remember reading something about this when I was researching Sygil Witchcraft, as put forward here by Grant Morrison. He believed the best way to cast a spell was to focus on it right after you've had an orgasm. A "sygil" incidently is a little logo which only has to hold meaning for its author. Some people believe they are used by corporations and that this in part explains the odd corporate logos which you often see being branded about all over the place. There's quite an interesting story here actually, in that I believe Robbie Williams has gone on to use Sygil Witchcraft recently. I may be wrong but if you look at the cover to his album "Intensive Care" you'll notice an odd image on his index finger which looks to me like a Sygil. The picture is here. It was reported at the time that Grant Morrison had helped Robbie Williams design the cover of that album. Too many co-incidences there for me, but no official word on it. Certainly I'm not aware of Mr Williams talking openly about indulging in Crowley inspired magik. I imagine that's because people would, perhaps rightly, think he was a nutter.

NM

So what you're actually saying is taking all those dnrgs made you more intelligent? That's insane. Actually, there's a point.

Here is Monday's picture of a dog. This particular photo is off my mobile phone where I have a nearly inexhaustable supply of pictures which have been taken over more than the past year or so. This particular picture was taken in Blackpool on this day here. The fact that I'm once again dipping into my mobile phone cache means that I've run out of reader submissions. Obviously I'm keen to see a picture of your dog if you want to share them with a small part of the world. Email me: Nick@hallamfm.co.uk and I'll make your dog Monday's dog at some point. The only detail I can give on this little fella is that the family which owned him looked very, very scratty. However once again this picture proves how cool dogs are because look how cool he looks! He's just having a great time, unlike the fat woman who owned him, she had a scowl on her face and is fortunately out of shot. Perhaps she was wondering what the flying f#ck I thought I was doing taking odd pictures of her on my mobile phone as I stood above her on the peer. More likely she was wondering how much money she'd get if she could steal my phone.

Recently I've been getting quite a lot of email about this blog. One of them was normal and it read like this:

Hi Nick, would you be interested in doing a linkswap with Merry Media?
James Ross
Merry Media
www.merrymedia.co.uk


I replied yes and have added the site to my sidebar. It's a gudden if you work in the media industry, or want to.

Then slightly more oddly I got this email, I think in reference to this quite agressive unfocused political rant from last week.

Hi. My name is Eugene Gershin. Perhaps we have met online, but more probably you don't know me from Adam. I monitor blogs for SamsonBlinded, and came across your post.
I'd like to welcome you to look at Obadiah Shoher's blog. Obadiah - an anonymous Israeli politician - writes extremely controversial articles about Israel, the Middle East politics, and terrorism.
Shoher is equally critical of Jewish and Muslim myths, and advocates political rationalism instead of moralizing.
Google banned our site from the AdWords, Yahoo blocked most pages, and Amazon deleted all reviews of Obadiah's book, Samson Blinded: A Machiavellian Perspective on the Middle East Conflict.
Nevertheless, 170,000 people from 78 countries read the book.
Various Internet providers ban us periodically, but you can look up the site on search engines. The mirror www.terrorismisrael.org/blog currently works.
Please help us spread Obadiah's message, and mention the blog in one of your posts, or link to us from margerrisons.blogspot.com. I would greatly appreciate your comments.
Best wishes,
Eugene Gershin


I couldn't make head or tail of the blog he was promoting. I don't get political blogs. They're a total waste of time as far as I can see. I don't give a f#ck about politicians. They're all self serving tw#ts. None of them excite me at all. I met one bloke, once, who was okay and he was a politician. He was called Martin Salter. Still, when I met him I was young and naive. Nowadays I imagine he'd annoy me just as much as the rest of them.

Today I am going to give it some welly at the gym before I go and do some Xmas shopping and then enjoy the Hallam FM Xmas Party! However, I will be using bottled water after I watched in dumb-struck horror some bloke drinking from the water tap like a f#cking animal. He was not only sucking away on it like you would and oxygen pipe but then he's licking it! Tonguing the hole like you would a lover. Dirty b#stard! I was so horrified I didn't know what to do. It was like seeing absolute proof of one of your worst nightmares being played out infront of you. I sort of tried to shrug it off and pretend it hadn't just happened but you can't get an image like that out of your head once it's in there. He was a big gangly spotty bloke, really ugly looking with dirty fingers. I'm twitching as I think about it. I should have complained about him but it just didn't figure in my horrified mind.

NM

(sunday) Ah kahnt see witoot mah eeyes

Today me and my female were on the end of a surprise visit from dance production legend Dave Bethell*. It was great to see him and I was surprised at how comfortable and relaxed he was, in that when I knew him a few years ago he was a bit of a nervous person. All of that had gone and we had one of those great conversations which could easily have carried on long into the night. We spoke, amongst other things, about; conspiracy theories, dance music, the afterlife, Alan Watts, radio, the internet, the past, the future and so on. Dave is one of those people who is happy with almost any subject and prepared to run with it and see where it leads. I think I'm the same. He's doing some great work at the moment and if you remember him from his old Hallam FM days you might want to follow this link to his myspace page.

After Dave headed off me and the woman went to 'Chicitos' or something. It's a mexican restaurant and is certainly not the sort of place I should be going if I'm doing my Weight Watchers thing properly. Still I'd had a lovely Xmas dinner the day before with my lady's family and had sort of thrown the diet out. Not good. Particularly if you factor in tomorrow's Hallam FM Xmas Party. I'll be stacking on another stone at this rate**.

As I headed home afterwards I got into a pretty wacky conversation with the taxi driver who started off chatting about global warming then mentioned that "all these churches and Mosque's all look a bit like space rockets". He said he was a Muslim and went on to say that the Koran mentions that there are other planets with aliens on them. Then I joked that perhaps we were in "end times" and we'd find out sooner than you'd think. He looked at me sincerely and said he agreed. We spoke for a bit before I got out of his cab and wished him well. "There's a feeling in the air, and it's more than just a few people who think it" he said as I bade him farewell***.

I've always been of the opinion that taxi drivers are brilliant.

Once a long time ago while I was on my way to Kingdom Nightclub**** I got into a conversation with one which went a bit like this:

"You wearing that crumpled shirt to go to a nightclub?"

"Yeah."

"You won't never get no women with that mate, look at the state of it."

"I don't have any others."

"Ha ha. I tell you what, I'll go over to my place, free of charge and get you a shirt of mine that I'm too slim for now. You can have it."

And he did. And I still have it to this day. One of the best shirts I own. Taxi drivers, treat 'em well and they look after you. Some of the finest people you'll ever meet.

NM

*The son of Barry Bethell about whom at one point I was considering writing a book but then seemed to get distracted by other less interesting things.

**No I won't. That will absolutely not happen.

***"as I bade him farewell" - Jesus H Christ!! What a pretentious pr#ck I can be sometimes. I can't actually believe I wrote that sentence. Usually I'd cut it out but I decided not too this time, purely in the interests of looking like as much as I can like a t#at.

****Despite the above note about me being a tw#t I did not go often, or very willingly, to Kingdom Nightclub. Nice staff there but not my sort of place really. I'm an old man and I always have been. No time for these youngsters.

Stick your mind into your ears and pull on that.

Although I'm not usually one to buy into such speculation I can't help but remark that this last year has gone by very quickly for me. Recently I bought some cigarettes for Phoneboy and was amazed at the price of them, £5.33. Way too much money and I honestly don't understand how people can afford to smoke these days. However it struck me that there has been at least two tax increases on them since I used to buy them regularly. It's odd to think that I've been a non-smoker for more than two years now. It actually surprised me when I made that connection, just as on Wednesday night it took me off guard when I saw a little bit of the comedy awards and realised it was therefore a year since I last watched them. I'm not usually the sort of person who buys into such mundane thoughts but this year genuinely seems to be an exception. I really have totally wasted it.

For example tonight I sat in and watched The Pop Idol final where I had the following conversation which I'm pretty sure was being replicated up and down the land:

Television: "and so Leona becomes the first female winner of X Factor hooray..."

"First Pop Idol female winner? What about that fat bird?"

"Michelle, that were on Pop Idol"

"What are you on about?"

"This is X Factor and that were Pop Idol, they're two different programmes". Etc

The night before I went out on a night which was doomed from the very start as me and my girlfriend realised hailing a taxi in Manchester is not like getting one in Sheffield. In Manchester most of the time it's a f#cking waste of time. Unlike Sheffield where it has been proved by scientists that they are the finest in the world.

Once we did get where we wanted to be we were not allowed in because they didn't like my shoes. Fair enough, that's an arrangement which works quite well for me. Keeps me out of places I wouldn't want to go anyway. Doormen are there because the place expects trouble. I'm not sure I want to be in a club which expects trouble.

During the week while I was off air I had a conversation with the voice behind internet phenomenon "Harry The Hamster". The ostensibly famous bloke chatted to me for quite sometime and I suggested that I'd put a link on my blogsite to his.

Here's the video which "made his name" so to speak. Be warned it has sound and is quite rude.



And here's his website: CLICK HERE.

It was interesting to talk to him and a shame that the call was off air. He spoke about the odd nature of internet fame, the difficulties with other people taking credit for his videos and his surprise at the way in which it had taken off after he made it on his mobile phone a while ago.

I mentioned the fantastic site www.fat-pie.com to him as something to aim towards. I'm of the opinion that it's creator David Firth is one of the most exciting new media people around at the moment and it still annoys me that we never got him on for an interview on the old phone in show. Still, there we are.

NM

"Just for once in your life, let yourself f#cking win. Drop the bullsh#t and f#ck all the excuses man, I'm sick of 'em" - Amon.

So Diana wasn't murdered? What a big surprise that is! There's me thinking it must have been a hit, you know it had all the hallmarks, turns out she should have been wearing a f#cking seatbelt. One of my pet hates is people who don't buckle up. Senseless. If you get in a taxi tonight or this weekend, put that f#cking seatbelt on. There is no reason whatsoever not to. None at all.

I just do not know how to react to the news that Diana wasn't murdered. I was convinced this enquiry would have thrown up some new evidence*. I loved Al Fayed bumbling on at that press conference about "a certain member of the royal family" who directed both of their deaths. Do a bit of netsurfing and it's obvious who he means**. The question is, why bother have such an enquiry in the first place? It was obvious it wouldn't do anything other than follow the official line.

You could say it's a good way of providing a trivial cover story behind which they can "bury bad news"***. Like the fact that Tony Blair was interviewed by Her Majesty's Police yesterday about this cash for peerages scandal. The first time a seving British Prime Minister has ever been interviewed by the police as part of a criminal investigation. Lovely stuff. It's a big story and it's slipping under the radar a bit. However, it's yet another thing which we can add to Tony Blair's precious legacy which he's currently trying to secure. No two ways about it, that smug tw#t ain't going to go out with a smile. He's going out under a big f#cking cloud. A cloud which stinks of lies, murder, corruption and the pursuit of power no matter what the cost.

I lay the blame squarely at the feet of this Government for my own personal dissillusion with the political process. The graphic scenes they left in my mind where they savagely raped the concepts of probity, ideology and democracy will never leave me. To think I voted for that bunch of rapists. I will never vote again.

I guess I should thank them. They showed me that we do not live in a democracy. The big issues are not and never have been open to a vote. Do we want to go to war in Iraq? No need to answer the question, they don't give a flying f#ck what you think. Both major parties in favour of that one. Do you want to legalise drugs and stop the rise of organised crime in its tracks? Again, don't even think about answering that question. You're not important or intelligent enough as far as they're concerned. The same goes for any issue that actually matters. Do you want more nuclear weapons? F#ck off, we don't care what you think.

I once watched a really interesting programme about cats and dogs in which it was argued that both animals when in captivity never fully grow up. A cat is psychologically a kitten until it dies just as a dog is an overgrown obedient puppy. This is because a pet is never really allowed any genuine responsibilities. It can't choose its own destiny and will never be master of the house. By letting 'the powers that be' treat us in the same way we're all of us forced into a situation where we're being intellectually stunted.

Foxhunting? Yeah, lets chat about that forever shall we? Doesn't matter one bit really. Exactly the sort of thing we'll let you vote on.

"Should tiddles be allowed to chase spiders? It's cruel, he kills them sometimes."

"Ahh but he likes it."

"Etc, etc, adinfin"

NM

This video made me laugh so much that I've been saving it for just such an occasion as this****:



The direct link is here.

What I love is that the poor bloke tries to just carry on with the charade that is Santa Claus. There's something both noble and yet wrong about the very concept of Santa. Trying to maintain that inherently ironic pose after just mercilessly tw#tting your head like an ar#ehole on the bonnet of a big gas guzzling 4x4 is too much for my funnybone to take. I also love the oddly indifferent adults who seem to sort of look at him with a roll of the eyes. I'd be prepared to wager that they've seen him acting like a c#nt one too many times and have now run out of sympathy when his hare brained schemes f#ck up so amusingly.

*Sarcasm. They say it doesn't really work in the written word. But I suspect they say that in a sarcastic tone.

**He means the f#cking 10 foot lizards from the lower fourth dimension who live inside the earth's secret hollow core! Go ask David Icke man. He knows the truth. But do they want to investigate the lizards? No, no they don't. So what does that tell you?

***"Bury bad news" - think about that! That's not me making sh#t up. Those are the words of a wily cow who sat and watched the twin towers burning and falling with people jumping out of them in sheer dumb tragic desperation and thought; hey, it's not all doom and gloom, in fact this could be quite good, it's "bury" bad news day. For f#ck's sake. Inhuman cow. Sums up the Government. Totally sums them up.

****"an occasion as this"? You know, the sort of occasion where I've ranted most of my readers into a coma of gloom boredom and apathy.

I keep getting odd primate moments when I'm struck by the memory that we're all just f#cking monkeys.(Thurs)

I love it when I have dreams which leave me with a thought that I can't properly explain. The following fully formed bit of nonsense was bouncing round my head recently when I woke up:

Imagine a little tiny pubic hair sprouting from the ball bag of an ant. Perched on the very end of it is a germ. Would it be visible to the ant like the ant would be to you were it clutching on to the end of one of your pubes? The answer of course is no, no it would not. Ants have very poor vision, most of them are totally blind. Furthermore they do not have testicle bags.

I don't have a clue what thats about but it makes me laugh. A wise old man was telling me it over and over again, I think, but I can't really contextualise it.

As I got to my weight watchers meeting late yesterday there was a certain ammount of natural tension as the entire meeting was interrupted by me and then had to wait and watch politely as I got onto the scales. Fortunately I was wearing my paper thin trousers as opposed to my normal jeans so it turned out I was 2.5 lbs lighter than last week. In reality this means I've probably lost about half a pound or something. F#ck all in other words.

However, given that I've been able to eat as much food as I want this week, just so long as I eat the right things, it's not bad going. I think I'll stick with the No Count version of weight watchers for a bit and then decide which I prefer. I also intend to try and get onto the other requirements of No Count, like eating five portions of fruit and veg and drinking 8 glasses of water a day. Even though an entry in Richard Herrings's fantastic Warming Up blog did put me off that idea a bit by sending me to this Urban Myths entry on Snopes. Apparently the whole water thing is b#llocks. The first word of that last sentence being perhaps the most important.

It was an interesting meeting yesterday as our leader shared quite a personal story with us, where some bloke had said to her, "you should get that dress in a bigger size". From the way she told the story and the way she looks, i.e not fat but perfectly nomal and slim, it was obvious to me that the bloke in question was just being a c#nt. I told her so as well. Still it was a meeting which genuinely brought home to me how nasty the words of others can be.

In fact it reminded me of a time when I was out with my mates "on the pull" a while ago. I made some unfunny joke at a woman who I'd failed to make any progress with by telling her she was wearing rubbish clothes or something. Although I was drunk and I said it in a sort of jokey way she was totally f#cking devastated. I realised as soon as I'd said it that I'd done the wrong thing and it was driven purely by the impotent dissapointment that she wasn't even slightly interested in seeing my bedroom ceiling. I remember the mate I was out with saying, "never joke to a woman about something like that mate, it's one of the cruelest things you can do". I felt like what I was; a f#ckwitted chump.

The differences between men and women are various and interesting. I don't think I know a single bloke who would be as upset by the suggestion that they weren't wearing the right clothes. Or that they were a little overweight. It doesn't work in the same way.

Going to weight watchers and, in general, being the only man there is proving to be a rewarding experience on many different levels. Firstly it's helping me to see more clearly how women look at various issues. Secondly it has introduced me to the wonders of sugar substitutes like Canderel*. I'm totally f#cking hooked on it. It's like cocaine**.

GOOD LINK: If you find Ricky Gervais funny you must click here. I don't know how long it'll stay up but it's a fantastic special guest appearance on internet TV show "The 9". Not a bad TV show, I think the presenter is quite good personally but the clash of worlds which you get between her and Gervais is priceless.

NM

*Most conspiracy theorists and new age types think this sh#t is worse for you than sugar. Ruined.

**Obviously I do not condone the use of drugs. Particularly if you're a thick person. Drugs and thick people do not mix. If you're smart enough to make your own mind up about these things then feel free to snort as much of the sh#t as you like. If you're thick as f#ck and are the sort of person who looks to others for direction I'd give it a miss mate. Particularly cocaine. It makes stupid people even stupider. It's possibly the worst drug I've ever encountered. Total waste of time.

(Wed) Scrapman is looking for people.

So I go to the gym and I'm working out like usual. Wrapped up in my MP3 bubble. All the while I'm thinking, "huh, f#cking hell, I'm out of shape here". It was like my feet were clumping about as I thumped the treadmill with them. I felt really heavy and clumsy. It was really strange. I finished up after an hour feeling pretty odd about things. Then I sat down and realised that I'd left my normal shoes on and forgotten to put my trainers on! What a f#ckwit. As I recalled the session I got a few flashbacks of odd looks from various other patrons. Doh! I'd just returned their questioning glances with a smile as I thought to myself things like; "what's he looking at the daft c#nt?".

My mate has a fantastic picture on his blog of a dead bloke which he took. He was visiting Pompei in Italy. Pompei is a place which was a big city during the reign of the Roman Empire. It got destroyed in its prime by a volcanic erruption. The practical upshot of this is that the ash and volcanic fallout preserved part of the town for archeologists to excavate years later. Apparently its a place you can walk around and get a real sense of what it was like in Roman times. Oddly the conclusions my friend draws, that we haven't really moved on since roman times, is exactly the same one which my mate James Piekos came to when we spoke of it last night. Is this another synchronicity? No, no it's not. Neither is the fact that as we spoke about our mutual friend Daryl Denham later on that night, Daryl actually called me to see if I was up and fancied a wee chat*. Nor are all the other little coincidences which I've been noticing recently symptomatic of anything else. Why? Because I've proved that syncronicity is bunk. I think. Certainly noticing it a f#ck of a lot at the moment though.

You have to be pretty quick on the internet these days. I read on Chortle yesterday that comedian Pauly Shore got thumped in the face during his standup routine over the weekend. The following video was spreading round like wildfire.



In the likely even that it has been removed check this link or go to the direct link here.

As the excitement died down rumours started going round that it wasn't all as it seemed. Apparently the whole thing was a "hilarious" satirical hoax. This link explains more.

I find the internet to be a fascinating place. Such stupid stories wouldn't have been possible as little as five years ago. The same is true for the Michael Richards story which I covered in some detail here. Perhaps I should get someone to attack me onstage when I do my next open mic gig?**

Actually, no that's a really bad idea.

NM

*I missed the call as I had my phone set to silent. This is an occupational hazard. I set it to silent when I'm in the radio studio and nine times out of ten totally forget to switch it back afterwards.

**Booked, March the 5th.

"With each arrow I try to plant a thought in your mind which will flower later in the day", Merlyn The Gizzard.

I was reading through Harvey Pooka's blog I found this little nugget of a quiz: How Nerdy are You? To be honest I'm more than a bit dissapointed with my score...

You Are 40% Nerdy

You're a little nerdy, but no one would ever call you a nerd.
You sometimes get into nerdy things, but only after they've become a part of mainstream culture.

I've considered myself to be a proud nerd for sometime now. My pride in being a nerd came when I noticed that all the so-called cool kids I'd known as a kid turned out to be really boring f#ck ups, whereas most of the ones who were in my geeky crew at least did something interesting in life. Nothing worse than being boring and stupid people are f#cking boring. Clever people however usually carry the label geek. Fair enough, I'll have that.

Or rather, I won't! 40%?

It's hard to know what more I can do to improve my score: I was the Dungeon Master at school, I still own all my old 2000AD comics, I have a working knowledge of Middle Earth, I've seen Star Wars 100's of times and can recite the entire film dialogue with largely accurate R2D2 beeps, I'm an obsessive music fact fan, I enjoy reading books, I drive a rubbish car, hate football and haven't got a f#cking clue about clothes.

I've only ever been accidently cool for very brief periods of my life. When I was a student I was popular when the station I managed there went on FM for a little bit in the 3rd year, at secondry school I was cool for a day once when I was voted Head Of Sixth form, at Primary school I was cool for a week or so when I got Boba Fete for my birthday*.

It grates a bit to be only 40% nerdy! In order to beef up my "nerd" credentials I will share the following great website which I found with you:

The Aquaman Shrine!

It's all about the obscure comic book character Aquaman. I've always felt like Aquaman was a bit of a naff superhero but this site is great. Lovingly crafted. I think perhaps my reasons for disliking Aquaman are a combination of two factors. Firstly the rubbish cartoon they used to do of him when I was young that went out in place of my favourite, Batman. That was a real f#cking pain in the ars#! It meant only one thing to me: no more Batman, for a bit.

Secondly there was an incident once in a pub when I put some cash into a quiz machine and lost when the following question came up; who is this superhero a) Captain America b) Batman c) Aquaman? It had a picture of Aquaman but the quiz machine didn't agree. That was infuriating! The barman was having none of it. He'd clearly never heard of Aquaman. Unfortunately though, in this world you are not allowed to argue with machines.

NM

*Lost it as well. Still bugs me. Where did I leave little Boba Fete? Pretty sure no one stole him. Not that sure. Perhaps they did. Nah, I lost him. Can't blame anyone else. I think it was by the slide where me and Luke were playing with him. Annoying.

(Monday) Lets go over to Ozric's Tent.

The Monday Dog

I'd like to submit Bailey, the Piekos family dog for the Monday dog picture. He's a beagle, about 8 years old. As you can see from the picture, he absolutely loves sitting by the fire. In winter, he will remain in the same position for hours, despite the heat.

As he gets hotter and hotter, he begins to pant, at times quite loudly. If you touch his fur, he's bloody hot, but he seems to love it. If you move him away, he will only go and sit right back down again at the fire. He really seems to enjoy it. My parents put a fire guard up for a while, but he managed to knock it over and get right back to the fire. He loves it.

The other thing that fascinates me about Bailey, is that he's sussed who drives what car - presumabley by their individual sounds. When Dad's car is making it's way up the drive, he'll start to stir and be waiting for him by the door. If a car he doesn't know comes up the drive, he ignores it. I rarely make it back home from one month to the next, but he still remembers the sound of my car engine, and despite how quietly I try to get into the house, he's always there waiting, and always gets over excited and makes a massive fuss when I arrive.

I love dogs! They're clearly brilliant. Obviously, the gentle, companiable ones, rather than the fierce ones that bite small children.

James


How could I refuse such an obviously brilliant dog? I can't that's how. Bailey enters the Dog Blog hall of fame with aplomb!

As part of tidying up this blog I've moved some of the links which previously featured in the sidebar to the bottom of this entry. They're blogs which died a death after the initial blogging fever died down in the middle of this year. They're all done by friends of mine. Shame they haven't continued.

Jon Arden's.

Stuart Collings's.
Another mate of mine's*.

Right, I'm off to the gym to try and regain some of the points I've spent over the weekend. This new Weight Watchers plan I'm following might let me eat as much as I want but it's pretty keen on the exercise element of things.

NM

*I've re-added this, see the comments section.

(Sunday) Give a little back and wait for the rain.

I really need to get a life. After hours of messing about on the internet I leave it with a myspace account and one for Second Life. In the past I've ranted and raved about how morally wrong myspace is. The idea of comodifying friendship as well as making out and advert for yourself. Yuk. I still stand by that and don't intend to use my account. There's certainly no point in posting a link here to it. I only did it because I was bored. Same goes for Second Life, although I've never considered it to be actually immoral I only signed up because I was farting about on the net. After these two 'projects' were finished I ended up f#cking about on an old ZX Computer Game which you can play online called Dynamite Dan II; here.*

It worries me how familiar to me old Spectrum computer games are. The same goes for Arcade games and old Amiga games. My whole childhood seems to have been a virtual one, without me noticing it. I wonder how much more true that will be for my kids? If indeed I ever have any. Sorely tempted to give it a miss.

Oddly this entry almost precisely ties up with one I wrote almost exactly a year ago, here. Now that my blog is over a year old I'll be interested to see if my theory about life working in cycles will be born out or not. I think the patterns of my life are slightly out of sync with our 12 month calendar system though. Perhaps they tie in more neatly with lunar cycles or something. I dunno. Often it seems that periods of change and energy for me usually occur around March. We'll see. I think I'm getting a bit too "New Age" these days. It doesn't really suit me. As with most "New Age" b#llocks theres no real substance to the ideas I'm spouting just a general feeling. My post previously on syncronicity has, in my opinion, disproved the concept, yet still I'm dogged with more instances of it this weekend. Think of a mate and they text/call you. Got some stuff going through your mind and you hear it vocalised back to you by someone. Etc. Odd.

NM

*Keys for Dynamite Dan II - Left and Right "A" and "S", Down is "I" and Jump is "M". You've got to find the CD and pop it in the jukebox then return to the blimp with some FUEL. Great game. I can get to level 3 on a good day. That website hosts loads of great Spectrum games. If you're a fan look around it. No end of treats. You too can waste your life like a fool!

(Saturday) There lies Crudbeard The 3rd of Woyden. Now he really was a c#nt.

I've decided to draw my little poll to an end this weekend. It's been up there a reasonable ammount of time now. The question was; Were the attacks of 11/9 an inside job?

The results:

Yes 46%
No 36%
Maybe 18%

That means you could say that the majority of people who read this site do not believe 11/9 was a self inflicted wound. Or you can flip it round and say more people think it was than didn't. You can say what you like with statistics I guess. Interesting results though, from a readership who have nonsense like Loose Change and Alex Jones pushed so often into their face.

I've not really reconciled my views on conspiracy theories with the real world in which I live yet. It amuses me no end that we live in a country where our leaders will on the one hand denounce India, Pakistan and North Korea for developing nuclear weapons while on the other investing in excess of £20bn on some new Trident Nukes for themselves. The general line of political comment is that Tony Blair didn't actually need to have this debate and discussion now but has done so in order to secure his personal legacy. This implies that he's proud of the fact that he'll be the one to keep Britain's Nukes. Having waged war against Iraq on the basis that they might have them. That suggests a kind of f#cked up logic which I find hard to process. I think wacky conspiracy theories are the logical release.

Recently I posted a short video of Alex Jones doing some stand-up comedy. The confrontation which follows stops just short of physical violence. It's an interesting piece. However I've found a fuller version of this event on Google Video. The You Tube clip I originally posted only shows the first bit, missing out the excellent comedian Doug Stanhope, who I'm new to. It's interesting to see how the night goes afterwards and the clip I've posted, although long, is in my opinion the closest you can get to feeling a live comedy event without actually getting off your a#se and going to one.



Direct link.

NM

High alerts - 30 conspiracies - Terrorism - Etc. (Friday)

After much internal debate I've decided to switch my Weight Watchers plan from Full Choice to No Count. The difference between the two is that I'm now doing a diet where I eat food that is good for me until comfortably full rather than quantifying the ammount of stuff I'm having. The advantage of the diet I've just stopped doing, Full Choice, is that you can in theory eat whatever the f#ck you want, just in limited measures. I think I'd gotten into a rut with it though. I was munching a load of processed foods and microwave meals. Also I was ploughing down chocolate and crisps and so forth. Stuff I knew wasn't good for me, then going hungry for a bit. I don't have that option now. Crisps are off the menu!

I'm sceptical as to whether or not it will work, eating until I'm comfortably full. I can eat f#cking sh#tloads of food. I'm not quite as awesome a force as some people but I can pack it away. I remember me and a mate once going to Pizza Hut all you can eat and stuffing away around four or five of them each. That was back in my hardcore days. Still, even now I've got a pretty big stomach. I don't know that a "No Count" diet will work.

Oddly enough though I've sort of gone full circle with my dieting as plain and simple healthy eating is what that stupid Rosemary Conley diet ended up being about. I bought into that at the time because the Gi diet was touted as being a bit like Atkins. Her version of it was nothing like the atkins and I found Rosemary's particular book to be, in my opinion, very self serving and patronising. A total waste of money.

I guess exercise and less crappy foods are the obvious way forwards. I trace being a fatty back to one fatal decision which I made while at primary school. There was a girl I fancied there whose Mum never gave her crisps so she'd ask everyone else if she could have one. I remember pestering my poor Mother for a bag of crisps in my packed lunch. At the time I wasn't much of a fan of crisps so I thought I could share them with this girl and then sort of get in with her and then one day we'd get married or something.

Didn't quite turn out like that.

What actually happened is that I realised I thought crisps were brilliant and I sat in the corner eating them all and not sharing even slightly. My weight went up and down from that point onwards. Prior to that I was actually quite skinny.

See it's not really my fault at all, in a way.

Erm...

NM

Like the difference on the motorway between a high performance sports car and a donkey.

"Bloody hell look at this idiot; he just pulled out in front of me?!" goes my indignant thought process as I take the out of character decision to hammer self rightiously on my horn. "Yeah pr#ck, look where you're going next time" I say to myself as I notice the car opposite me flashing its lights. "What's he doing that for? Probably in my defenc- Oh sh#tbags, I've not switched my lights on, probably why matey didn't see me at that junction" goes my confused monologue. So actually, I'm the d#ckhead here. Ruined.

After this incident I've had an idea which I think I should patent. I want a more articulate car horn than the one I've got. I need different tones. I want four noises, one for "sorry" one to say "hello" and a polite sounding, "'scuse me!". Oh and of course I want one that says "f#ck yooo pretty boy!".

If they did this I think people would actually calm down a bit more on the roads. It never ceases to amaze me how irrationally wound up I can get when I'm driving. I don't get like that when I'm walking around the street. Obviously it's because the stakes are a little higher when you're driving, coupled with the fact that everyone else on the road is an utterly hopeless c#nt.

My girlfriend isn't keen on my new look blog. She thinks it's a bit too professional now. In the unlikely event that you've noticed the different layout and now hanker for the good old days when it wasn't as good, why not follow this link to an archived version of the blog in Dec 2005?

Reader's voice: "That's interesting Nick, how did you manage to keep that for so long?"*

I didn't. It's from this great little site which archives websites that get a certain number of hits. It's called The Wayback Machine. It has old radio station websites and things like that. Quite interesting. Why not look up old websites on it while you're supposed to be doing whatever it is that you're supposed to be doing?

NM

* It used to annoy the f#ck out of me when they did that in The Beano. I occasionally replicate it here as a homage to the irritations I suffered as a child who loved comics.

Cut through the pears and mustard if you like. It's all the same to me.

I've just spent a little bit of time rearranging this blog. I'd really like to hear any opinions on the changes I've made, even though they're only very slight. I'm a bit conservative myself and almost automatically resist change so I've held off a total facelift for the site. I don't think it really needed one. The reason for the change is that I've opted to use a new "Blogger Beta" programme which the site owners Google have been f#cking pushing down our throat for some time. Anyone with a blogger account will be familliar with the constant demands that you upgrade, sorry, 'suggestions'.

I'm very suspicious of anything that is pushed so hard by a big corporation and had been expecting it to be a complete disaster. So far though eveything is going fine. I'd say at the moment I find it to be an improvement. I've always wanted to have the sidebar on the right hand side so it's easier to ignore and I've always wanted to be able to easily add little extras to it like I have. Also I've always wanted the collapsing menu function in the previous posts section. F#cking hell I really am a geek, there's no debate about that is there?

The only thing I'm a little unsure about is my beloved sitemeter. The hitcounter which I really probably shouldn't have. It took me sometime to decide if it was a force for good or evil and in the end I decided I liked it. So I kept it. It was tricky to put onto this new version of blogger but driven purely by my own ego I've managed, I think, to keep it.

I got a recent text message off a mate of mine reading:

dude - download inconvenient truth on google video - we're f#cked.


I did. And we are. Here it is for your own amusement. Warning it's long and depressing.



Direct link.

POST NOTE: The video above has been removed. I suspect for copyright reasons.

NM

(Tuesday) Politicians are like p#nis's they make a f#cking mess.

Monday's Dog Picture, it's a day late so I've picked out a particularly special one.*


This is a picture of my mate Susan's Mum's dog Blitzen. It's a female staffy. Notice how Blitzen is clearly chilling out on the sofa? That's what dogs do. Not like cats who spend about 3 and a half hours pawing about and seeing if they can stick their claws into your lap as they get comfortable. Cats are sadistic whereas dogs are more task orientated. If a dog is going to f#ck you up it'll just do it man! If a cat is going to do you in they're happy to toy with you, sometimes forever. Part of this slow killing process is sticking their claws into you 'by accident'. What they're actually trying to do is gradually kill you so they can own your house. You've heard of those silly old women who leave all their possesions to their cat? That's why! Then there's that odd growling they make once they are comfortable, "purring" they call it. Dogs don't do that. If a dog does that it's 'coz they're annoyed. They've got a lot more focus you see. Dogs lie there like Blitzen is, thinking important things like; "I wonder if I'll get some food in a minute?". Blitzen is brilliant. Like all dogs.

I'm still recovering from my comedy performance yesterday. As a result I've been drawn into a bit of a spat with some kid on YouTube as regards this clip of Bill Hicks losing his rag:



Direct link.

I'm posting in the commets section under the name JohnnyThreePants. It's odd that I've been devoting attention to that particular Bill Hicks bootleg in that a recent comment on one of my previous posts drew me towards another clip from the same gig:
dan said...

you've prolly seen it before but this video never fails to improve my mood:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xbJ8QhE8Us

:)

11:21 PM

I've been thinking quite a lot about the gig which is depicted there and it has always made me a little bit sad personally. I've got the whole thing on audio and poor Bill's act is just being ruined by stupid hecklers. In the era of happy slapping and confrontation it seems sort of cool but if you hear the whole gig it's just a bit "blurgh".

More interestingly though the comment itself is possibly an instance of synchronicity[external link to wikipedia], where two events coincide. I was thinking of it and someone posted about it without any prompting. Also today I was thinking of my girlfriend and literally a few seconds later she called me. Then this weekend I was thinking of an old audio tape I hadn't heard for years that my Mum and Dad have of me and my sister talking as toddlers. Then, oddly, my Mum mentions it to me and says they dug it out yesterday and listened to it with my sister.

My new obsession, Terrence McKenna, believed syncronicities would increase in frequency for all of us** as we head towards the singularity and causal consciousness shift predicted by the Mayan calendars and his novelty theory. I'm not sure I'm won over by the idea though. Human beings have evolved to make connections between things as a survival instinct. Rub together sticks, make fire. Eat raw food, get ill. Cook food not get ill. Etc.

However, I am now booked up to finish off the interview I started earlier this year with comic book genius Pat Mills next month. He's a firm believer in the phenomena of syncronicity so maybe I'll ask him more about it. I'm looking forward to seeing him again and finishing off what looks set to be the definitive interview with The Godfather Of British Comics.

NM

*All dogs are special and now I feel bad for singling out Blitzen. If you want to send in a picture of your dog email me Nick@hallamfm.co.uk and give us a bit of detail to share with the world!

** I guess I can easily put paid to this debate. Post in the comments section if you have recently had a syncronicity experience. Comments can be made by anyone, you do not need a blogger account. There's a time delay between posting and publishing as I filter out spam first. If we get loads of posts it won't prove anything. If we get none it does, I think, prove something.

Tri Tech Mental Mapping Devices. So secret you can't even google it.

I'm a little stunned. I did my stand-up comedy and it went okay. I didn't "Beat The Frog" so only lasted about two minutes or so but my anal sex joke got a laugh for the first time ever. The only problem this time was I forgot my material a bit and started talking b#llocks towards the end. That said, it was a better performance than usual and I'm not thinking of quitting any time soon. In fact in the hazy excitement after the show I convinced my mate James Piekos to get up onstage and do some of his own brand of unique comedy. We're going to practice our sets together and everything!*

The gig itself was f#cking insane. The compare, Dan Nightingale, was unbelievably good. He had to deal with some stupid drunken students who were celebrating a 19th birthday party. One of them was so drunk she decided to try and sleep under the table. In the middle of his set she leaned forward and asked her mate in the loudest possible voice "Ha ha, what did he say?". When he had a go at her she replied "it's okay, carry on, carry on". Amazing. I've been drunk but it takes a special kind of juice to turn you into that sort of a tw#t. He managed to turn the whole thing round and got loads of material out of her without it becoming too boring for everyone else. In the end security removed her but I can't be anything other than amazed at his patience. And how funny he was about her.

There's one moment that sticks out in my mind. He said to one of her mates who was livid that she'd been chucked out;

"Sorry luv but I can't concentrate with her squirming away infront of me squealing, 'Mheerr - I'm lonely'!".

I don't know if it being written down like that quite sums it up but it's making me chuckle as I write. It's such an incisive comment to have landed into that situation. What I'm trying to say is, at his best that guy is a genius.

As for me, I think I'm more a comedy fan than a true comedian myself at the moment but I'm trying really hard to graduate, maybe next year will see it happen.

On my way back over to my girlfriend's house I listened to Late Night Nicksy on Key 103. It was odd to hear someone doing a live phone in show for the same company that I work for in my timeslot but on a different station. He's got an interesting way of doing things. It's quite BBC local radio. Lots of more mature callers on talking about the local bingo night and so forth. I tried to ring in and get on air but my call wasn't answered so I gave up after 20 minutes. Shame. Like I say, it was an interesting listen.

NM

*Although he seemed keen on the idea last night I think a does of realism is quite important to inject here. He'd had a few drinks and was quite excited by life at the time he shook on this deal. Bby writing about it here I like to think I'm binding him to that drunken contract in a small way. His girlfriend occasionally reads this blog so with any luck she'll already be laughing at him. In a good way of course.

(Sunday) More and more the moments speed towards their conclusion... beware ye the moon.

In the wake of my amature stand-up comedy performance at The Frog and Bucket I've been scanning round YouTube looking at stuff. I've found some great nuggets which I've pumped out at the bottom of this post. It's quite strange the feeling I get as I practice. I'm more nervous than I was last time round which I think is a good sign. Unfortunately though I've got to the point where non of my set seems funny anymore. I've just heard it so many times that I can't believe any of it is even mildly amusing. My first joke is a rude one about anal sex which I've done a load of times before and never managed to get a laugh with. I've got a constant picture of doing that joke and getting nothing but confused stares and that sort of horrified whispering sound as people confer with each other about how rubbish you are afterwards.

Also I seem to have inadvertantly invited quite a few people in my excitement. It's been so top of mind that I keep accidently mentioning it to people and then inviting them along. There's a difference between doing stand-up to people you don't know and will never meet again and doing it to friends who will carry that memory with them everytime they see you subsequently. It affects your aura a bit I think.

In this ball of nervous excitement as I flick round YouTube I've also discovered a great stand up comedian called Doug Stanhope. I've posted some of his stuff at the bottom as well. I found him through the Alex Jones clip which comes first. He's apparently running for President in 2008. He's a libertarian. I think that's where my politics are starting to lie these days. Less Government intrusion into EVERYTHING seems like a jolly good idea.

Alex Jones going mental in a stand up club:



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I f#ckin' love that guy. He may make up stuff and frequently get his facts wrong but his heart's in the right place. Like I say he led me to this next chap who I've also encountered as a guest on The Penn Gillette Radio show, which I subscribe to through iTunes. Very funny clips with a point of view that I find comforting to listen to.



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Danced by the light of his evil deeds not knowing they were about to swallow him whole.

Not for the first time on this blog do I eat my words. "Your teeth look really clean, more so than usual," announces my girlfriend this morning. I'm therefore going to put the following words on a plate and guzzle them down before your very eyes. Mmm. Yum yum. They taste nice and bitter with an awkward aftertaste. What the f#ck do I know?

Today and yesterday I had fun hassling one of my mates with the following nonsense after I'd had a few beers:

ME
I think it's fair to say that the earth could be a giant foetus gradually becoming one consciousness. Its gestation period; around 4.5 million years? Now the internet spreads out over the earth creating the brain of this huge organism. Already one half of the earth's electricity is generated for use by computers which are connected to it. In 2012 it will inevitably become self aware.

HIS REPLY:
ok terence - but what's this self aware earth gonna do about us. surely it'll work at such an incomprehensible speed that we will be like geology is to us.

ME
Good point. It'll dominate us I guess. Like we do the trees. Perhaps it'll go on to create new life within itself. Novelty theory suggests that when we hit a singularity there will be huge consciousness advances made in matters of seconds. Fully formed self aware consciousnesses being born within the bowels of this giant interconnected microprocessing environment. Like all life forms it will be duplicating with error. Be well my friends!

The "Terrence" reference is a nod towards the progenator of the theories which I'm spouting. Terrence McKenna. He's currently my new guru. After rejecting the frequently wrong Alex Jones and getting bored of the obviously bonkers David Icke I've been looking around for someone who is capable of spouting nonsense for some time. Finally I've landed firmly on the shoulders of the late Terrence McKenna. I think the main quality one of these gurus needs is an articulate command of the English language. If they've got that, I'm in.

Here's Terrence McKenna dishing out some nonsense with The Shaman to pilled up morons when he was still alive.



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Now try and tell me that guy is not a fu#king legend!

NM

"Lighthouse beacon straight ahead straight ahead across black seas to bring" Electricity by Captain Beefheart.

This is a picture of a bloke pretending to be Kylie Minogue. My girlfriend is of the opinion that he doesn't have a very big package. Our mate Chris said it looked like quite a well stacked lunch box. I decided to stay out of the debate. I witnessed this performance at one of my girlfriend's work's functions. They were about an hour late in starting and it was supposed to be a talent contest, these chaps were doing the warm ups. It was hosted by a bloke who looked a bit like Lily Savage. He had the following 'hilarious' joke: "Tut, I went to see a film recently, Free Willy it was called, turns out it was about a fish, I was right dissapointed". The crowd looked as confused as I imagine you do.

I'd best not say anything negative though as I'm about to unleash my own peculiar brand of stand-up comedy on Monday night at The Frog and Bucket in Manchester. I feel more prepared than last time but also quite nervous. It's hard to tell but I think the nerves is a good sign. Last time I think the lack of them beforehand allowed them to take me by surprise all at once when onstage. I suddenly wanted to run off and cry a little bit. Perhaps I should dress up as a woman before I go on.

My girlfriend would like it. She's a big fan of men in drag. I'm a little concerned about that. Not because I mind her liking blokes dressed as women but because she liked my long hair so much.

Here's a link to a new podcast which is done by the talented and funny Robin Ince who manages to hide both those attributes in this instance. In every possible respect this podcast should be funny but unfortunately is not. Maybe the next episode will be. I've watched Robin Ince many times on stage and he's awesome. I've also seen Josie Long, she's very funny. Listening to the first episode it reminds me of the never released podcast me and my friends Phoneboy and Matt Mackay recorded. It was f#cking awful and a really excruciating listen. Although this one is only slightly better I suspect it will improve with time given the talents involved.

NM

I always enjoy doing this right after I've checked my emails.

Like most people, every now and then my mind is shattered by something or other. The film I've posted at the bottom of this entry is the most recent example of a mind bomb that has recently knocked me for six. It may not have quite the same impact on you given that I've been searching for that particular story for quite some time now. It's a documentary about the infamous Stanford Prison Experiment carried out in the 60's by the US millitary. Condemned as unethical and largely discredited by the mainstream as a useless exercise the whole story is, to me, fascinating and tells us a lot about human nature.

The premise is simple; the participants were told they'd be taking part in an experiemnt to better determine how human beings reacted to imprisonment. Some of them would be guards and the others prisoners. Their roles would be determined by the flip of a coin.

They were not allowed to use physical force but anything else they did was fair game and considered to be part of the experiment.

The whole thing was to be filmed on cameras put inside the makeshift prison.

6 days in and the whole thing had to be stopped.

This film tells you why.

I'm still absorbing what I see as the implications of the experiment. It was a seminal event in Western history and has even been suggested as an early pre-cursor to the Big Brother TV programme.

To me it shows how people adopt a role in life which suggested to us by others. However I'm trying not to react to it too much here because I've not really totally digested it yet. It's powerful. There's no doubt about that. Don't watch it at work.

I was yabbering away to my mate James Piekos about it today as we confirmed his intention to turn up and witness my forthcoming stand-up comedy attempts this Monday. As I spoke to him on my hands free kit I nipped into my flat, got a yoghurt and then popped back to my car which I'd parked in someone else's parking space for a second as there was another car blocking mine off. I found the following note stuck under my windscreen wiper:

Oh dear! I clearly annoyed #69 there. I wanted to put a reply on their car saying "sorry" but unfortunately have no idea which one it is. I like the little exclamation mark they've added though. It offsets the "Please" with which the note starts. Start off polite, end it firm. Actually the bad punctuation of this note could leave you to think it was one which was being addressed to the people at number 69. It should read; "Please do not park in our parking space! No 69". That said they didn't have long to write it. I can only have been 4 minutes or so. I'd have loved to have heard the conversation which accompanied it. Perhaps people park in their space all the time and they'd already got the pen and paper ready just in case.

I can't prove it but I do suspect that in their territorially inspired rage they were also the people who knocked my wing mirror a bit. Serves me right for my cheek.

NM

The Stanford Prison Experiment:



Direct link.

It is becoming more and more obvious that the answer to the worlds problems lies not with 'me' but 'we'.

Ye Gods! Will you look at that big stupid thing. I bought it in a bit of a hurry last week, there was a special offer on at Tesco so I got two for the price of one. I didn't even look at them, I just popped them in the trolley. This is a Tesco Brand toothbrush. Look at it, it's got six rubber teeth on the outside ready to scrape against your gums. Look at the back of it:

Apparently the idea of those ridges on the back is to scrape the plaque off your tongue? Not a bad idea if you can get the chuffing thing in your mouth as it's insanely thick. It feels like a club not a toothbrush. Imagine it looming towards your face:

You'd have to flinch wouldn't you? What annoys me is I remember when they started bringing out fancy toothbrushes like these a few years back. It was an obvious sales incentive with no practical value. Now I'm being forced to suck on a sales incentive. I'm literally chewing on the corporate c#ck every night.

Most people would just buy another toothbrush but that's frankly not an option for a cheapskate like me. It'd hurt me physically to pay more money for another toothbrush so I'll have to wait until this bad boy has been worn out a bit. Then I'll be able to, open the next one up which is exactly the same and wear that out. Then I'll be able to buy a normal one. Infuriating.

Michael "Kramer" Richards continues his hilarious comedy routines in America. I've been fascinated by this guy after his initial wacky outburst and subsequently amusing apology. This story is still a pretty big deal in America. Turns out that it is taking all sorts of bonkers tangents. Apparently Michael is a proud member of the secret Masonic order; The Scottish Rite of the 33 degrees. Tinfoil hat wearers will be aware that these guys are supposed to be the top of the top. The uber-illuminati shape changing lizards. He's one of them*! It's all kicking off.

Here's the all powerful shape shifter appearing on The Rev Jessie James's radio show:



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Further twists in the tale include a couple who claim he sp#nked off a while back with anti-semitic nonsense as well calling a heckler a "fucking Jew" and adding "You people are the cause of Jesus dying" in April 2006. This led to his publicist adding recently that the remarks were made as 'part of the comedy act'. He also added that Richards is himself Jewish...

Ahem - he later clarified that Richards has no Jewish ancestry, was not born into the Jewish religion, and has not converted to Judaism, although he "adheres to Jewish philosophy" and "had some very potent and important mentors in his life that were Jewish".

F#cking brilliant!

Here's the people he offended, they want money and I'm of the opinion that it'd be funny if he had to give them some:



Direct link.

Well done everybody.

NM

*I'm not sure if it actually makes him a f#cking lizard or not. You'd best ask David Icke, he'll fill you in. Unless he thinks your a lizard. I think he thought I was. No matter how hard we tried they just would not do an interview on my old phone in. I think he thought I was going to ridicule him. Imagine!

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