I'm at a mate's house. I need to go to the toilet. It's serious business. I follow directions to the toilet. I'm in a hurry. No lock on the door! Hang on a minute. No lock on the door? How can I relax without a lock? There's not many in the house but there's no lock on this door so someone might burst in and see my 'poo' face!
When I was a kid there was a brief period when our toilet didn't have a lock on it. My best mate would always - without fail - burst in and go "ha ha" when I went to the toilet. In the end I would sit there in anticipation with two fingers thrust up in the direction of the door. That way - ahem - I had the last laugh, because I was ready for him. However, the joke was on me because it became a sort of ritual which I'd enact even after the lock was fixed. On difficult days on the toilet I'd enact this ritual with a level of intensity you shouldn't admit to.
These days it occasionally re-emerges in my toilet repertoire. Not -however- in this instance. I decided to make my visit brief. This was fortunately a good decision as the toilet gave you no room to manoeuvre at all. Bending to wipe and my elbows are thumping into the wall. I had to be a gymnast. Infuriating.
Got an amusing email off Claire who is my mate James's better half: I have just read your blog- I had thought of a good adjective to describe it but it escapes me now. The fact that your room is a mess and you have not sorted your athletes foot annoys me, but this probably says a lot more about me than it does about you! See you in the new year Clare (James' missus). --- This email I think sums up the thoughts of the entire female population. My sister, Mum, girlfriend and various other people all think I need to sort my life out. It's what new year's resolutions are for, I guess.