Jack Frost

Superman's theme tune fills the air and I smile (again) at my (rubbish and therefore ironic) ringtone. It's right in the middle of 'Deal Or No Deal' though. My favourite programme in the world. A recent obsession*. Looking at my phone it's not a number I recognise. Mmmm. I'm busy but it might be 'the call'. Perhaps that comic script I sent to 2000AD has been discovered by the editor and -- I'm getting carried away. Just answer it.

"Hello tis ish Owinch it's yow a cuntract ow pee ash yoo go fone?"

"Sorry?"

"Tut."

"Hello"

[angry]"Rish Tish Orinsh are yoo a cuntra or do yoo pish ash yoo ko?"

"Who's speaking please?"

"Huh!" [click- phone goes down].

I'm puzzled. At a guess that was someone from Orange trying to offer me a phone deal or something. It might not have been. It's almost impossible to say really. If you're selling phones or whatever and you're making the call to someone, trying to get them on your network or whatever surely a vague grasp of how to speak and a bit of manners might be a bonus? I'm so glad I don't have a landline. My mate Richard in Oxford has non-stop calls from halfwits trying to sell him something, or do some poll or other. It's absurd. Once they've got your number they're like a cat with a smurf.

I remember as a kid my mate Jon told me that if you blew a whistle down the phone it could rip someone's ear drums. I assume that's an exaggeration. The last thing I'd want to with this blog is encourage anyone to keep a whistle by the phone and perhaps use it on these people until they stop hassling us with their huge savings and special offers for special people. I wonder what the consequence would be if you blew a whistle down the phone at someone like that? Could you get done for assault? This presumes that my mate Jon, who was 10 at the time, was telling the truth and not slightly mistaken.

I'm sure he wasn't. He was the cleverest kid I knew back in the summer of '87. Furthermore, people in call centres have those headsets like Madonna. I reckon if you blew really hard their head might explode! That would be fuc#ing awful!! So don't go do it now!!!

NM

I can confirm that the cocky bird problem is nationwide! An email from the mighty Hull from Simon. Simon says; "It is indeed a national problem. I was attacked by one in St. Ives for my cornish Pasty and I've been regularly swooped on in Manchester. In France, it's the bas#ard crows you have to worry about!"

*Today's was brilliant. She quit on a banker's offer of £26,000 quite early in the game. The highest offer would have been £76,000 and she had £50,000 in the box. Noel said she was one of the best players and The Banker got annoyed. I think The Banker is a real person and will fight anyone who disagrees, people like them ruin everyone's fun.

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