(Sunday) I don't know anyone who's regretted trying stand-up.

Woo! Chantelle won Celebrity Big Brother! Great. Because she's not a celebrity and she won Celebrity Big Brother! How funny is that?*

I'm glad Celebrity Big Brother is now over. I was one of the many morons who watched it and lapped it up. I can sit here and try to justify this to you but you're either responding in one of two ways, regardless of what I write:

A) You're ashamed to admit that you yourself did the same thing, even though you know it to be wrong. You lay there in your own filthy lack of imagination watching the raw sewage of "reality TV" and drank deep from it's cup. "Feed 'em sh$t 'til they like the taste" never made sense until now did it?

B) You're really embarrased for me and you think this particular 'blog confessional is a step to far.

In the event of either, any attempts to dig myself out of this and explain why I watched it are doomed to fail. They would only increase the horrible uncomfortable feeling that is now filling the room you're in.

All I need to make clear is that Chantelle winning was the final piece of offal that got stuck in my mouth as they fed it to me. As she cried "Live the dream", without any hint of irony**, the terrible spell of Big Brother was broken and I was free. I spat the human dirt out and onto the floor then rushed to get a glass of reality to vainly try and rid myself of the taste.

I know it's s#ite. I can clearly taste that now. But in eating it up I've contributed to a poor young woman's inevitable future confusion and dissapointment. I would like to take this moment to sincerely apologise to the person known as: "Chantelle Houghton"***.

I apologise for watching Big Brother and contributing to your rise and by extension, fall. There's a terrible inevitability about it all as the media waits to pounce. Kiss and tells, 'Chantelle's changed' stories and the hundreds of women who become upset that their 'normal' person for whom they voted, is actually not 'normal'**** at all.

Furthermore I'd just like to marvel at the number of people I know who have voted for her because they've fallen into the "she's just like me, she's one of us" trap. Human beings are so easy to manipulate it's awe inspiring at times. It's also scary that I am not one of those who is immune to this. If I was, I wouldn't know who Chantelle was. Which of course, in actual fact, none of us really do.


Ye Gods! I erased my athlete's footnotes a bit ago under the delusion that this new creme I've got would get rid of it in no time. Fortunately for the five people who've asked me about these little bits at the bottom, I was horribly/happily wrong! The creme has actually made it more satifyingly itchy than ever before. Furious itching all weekend resulted in many a stolen moment of twisted pleasure. My girlfriend is on the warpath again though. She wants her old nemesis delt with tomorrow, or else!

*Ans: Not very.

**Duality of meaning is not something you should ever expect in the Celebrity Big Brother Live final.

***One day she'll put her name into a search engine and this webpage will come up. She'll read these words and this message.

****No one is normal. Everyone is unique and therefore deviates from the 'norm' in some respect.


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