I lost a day somewhere. It's Wednesday, but I've spent all day thinking it's Tuesday. Even looking back over my 'blog just now I can see where the days went but I'm abso-fu#king-lutely convinced in my own mind that somewhere along the line I've missed a day.
Perhaps I did, perhaps I was taken by aliens into a spacecraft where they did weird sexual experiments on me. Once their evil desire for human exploration had been slaked they probably decided to make me the King of their tribe, because although they're advanced in some ways they still haven't quite managed to simulate one thing - the human spirit!
I probably made a guitar out of rusty old alien instruments at some point and showed them aliens how we earthlings like to party. Yeah! Then I probably got all rock and roll on them and started saying things like "Go Dance to this rockin' beat you crazy green skinned mommas!". They probably loved every f#cking minute of it. Those crazy aliens.
Then once I'd really won their respect with the power of my music, they probably looked up into my sexy cool eyes and said:-
"Master, you have showed us the way and taught us the Power Of Pepper* now we see what it really is to be human, we'd like to help you."
So I probably said "Thanks Thugwat, King of The Skies, there is just one thing I'd like you to do for me. Now I've shown you the secrets of late sixties Britpop** I'd like you to show me something..."
"What's that master?"
"Why, the way home of course Thugwat. There's a little lady back there who'll be missing me and there's quality late night local radio programming to be made!"
"As you wish master, rock on!"
Then I probably woke up in my bed ... unsure if it had all been a dream.
Then I might have looked under my bed and seen the guitar I made on that alien planet far far away. I'd probably then chuckle to myself and look at it fondly. Maybe I'd even see Thugwat and his friends waving in the reflection of its beautifully polished surface.
That'd be ace. Apart from the sex bit at the beginning.
*Sgt Pepper you d#ckwad.
**Major key tonality with occasional low-fi effects like the Wah Wah Peddle or The Moog Machine.