(Saturday) See a bloke in the gym changing rooms, looking in the mirror and blowing kisses to himself. Without irony!

Teachers are ace. They're much funnier than normal people and aren't half as dull. I was chatting to one this weekend and it struck me that, on balance, teachers are probably the coolest bunch of people of any one profession.

Radio DJ's for example, are a dull lot. We talk about the most dull things in the world, - ourselves. This intensifies our dull character. A dull person whose only conversation is their dull life.

Comedians are odd. Most of them come over as being genuinely a little mental.

Actors are a fu*king nightmare. Everything's so bloody serious.

Students are awful. Smelly and either really pessimistic or really optimistic.

And you're a pain in the ar#e as well.

Unless, of course, you're a teacher. I wouldn't want to contradict myself.

When I was younger I wanted to be a teacher myself. It seemed like a really cool job. The reality of course these days is that you end up having to be a bloody social worker. For that reason I'm glad I gave up on the idea.

I remember once back at school in music class watching as our old music teacher sat on a rotten tomato which had been left there on his seat by one of the wacky pranksters in our group. The whole class knew it was there and let him sit on it. No one stepped in to save the man's dignity. His face looked confused as he stood up quite quickly to see what he'd sat on and in his haste he banged his knee on the piano he'd sat down at. As he turned to look at the seat and the cause of his discomfort the rotten tomato slopped off the seat of his pants which of course faced the now hysterical class as he bent down to investigate.

The poor, slightly doddering and obviously frail old man then turned to look at us and with all the dignity he could muster delivered a speech which now resonates in my mind more than it did at the time:

"For 30 years I've been teaching at this school, all those years I've been working to make the world a better place and YOU KIDS HAVE NEVER CHANGED! You're still the same. You're just as rude and insolent as you've always been and I'm sick of it. I'VE REALLY WASTED MY LIFE!"

Obviously this made the class heave with even bigger roars of laughter as he made his way to the door and left the class unattended for the rest of the lesson.

I imagine he had a little cry.

NM

Athlete's foot has made a true return. It rippled all over the top of the skin of my foot almost overnight. It's providing a satisfying itch but I'm really inclined to get rid of it now. I'd like to start using the pool in my gym.

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