Today was a bit of a bad day. I can't really write why because it might make things worse. I promise I will explain all if I need to, which I hope I don't.
Instead I'll draw breath and focus, as it says in my remit, on one thought or event from today. That I guess would be something related to blokes, getting changed in the gym changing rooms and not doing "the dance of the towel"*. I went to the gym today as I had an important meeting with my boss and it's always a great way to relax into anything like that. I'm getting changed in the gym and I'm surrounded by blokes all of whom are stood round chatting, entirely naked. Now I know it's a changing room, I get that. And perhaps this is more my problem than anthing else** but I've always thought you should use a pinch of decorum in communal changing rooms.
My mate Tom Binns has a great joke he does which ends in him explaining that he's a bit scared of other people's co#ks. I laughed like an owl when I heard him perform it. He's exaggerating of course but as with most of his humour there's a grain of profound truth there. No one likes the look of a c#ck. It's unpleasant. There's actually an evolutionary reason for this***.
All of which contributes to my discomfort when I'm sat on a bench tying my trainer's shoelaces aware of being about two feet away from matey and his little 'orrible todger. But what can you do? Obviously you try not to look. Like I said I feel this is largely my own issue. I've no desire to look at another man's piece, even worse get into a situation where I was seen looking. That'd be confusing to say the least.
I'm not gay.
Erm, you know. Just in case there's any confusion. Which there simply is not. At all. I do have friends who are gay. I like gays. Not in a sexual way. That's their own business. And good luck to 'em. That's what I say.
Bloody hell, where was I?
Yes that's right. I was busy being appalled at the sight of men's bits, which I do not look at, but know are there. Lurking. I used to think this was just me. Today I discovered it is not!
Firstly I heard a stranger comment on it to his mate and secondly I had a conversation with a friend of mine who was there also. It went something like this: "What's the deal with those blokes, wobbling their chaps about?". To say it's a relief to find a few other blokes feel the same way is an understatement.
The human body is dirty and foul, it should remain that way. We should all be deeply ashamed of our nakedness and learn to do "the dance of the towel" effectively as part of our education at school!****
Mmm. Maybe I should have written about the other thing.
*Swift apology, "the dance of the towel" is a line a stand-up comedian once used in a bit about what blokes do in changing rooms. Or what they used to do. It appears to be a dying art. Erm, I've sort of already said that haven't I? Yes, yes I have. The point here is that I don't know his name and I've no way of crediting him but that phrase ain't mine baby! If you're him and you want it back, email me asap.
**Actually, there's no debate there really is there? This is surely my problem alone.
***Blokes who have scary looking genitals mark themselves out as male. This stops other blokes from stealing their women. It also stops blokes mating with each other by accident. Most evolutionists argue that a big winky is largely there for the benefit of other males. There's a great book about all this sort of nonsense by a bloke called Richard Herring, it's called "Talking Co#k" and if you're a bloke I can't recommend it enough.
****Satirising my own silly views. Aren't I clever? Or perhaps not. Perhaps it's just what I really think but I'm not happy expressing it without a little wink at the end. A wink which only suggests that I know I'm absurd. Not a sexual, come on lets have rumpo wink. Those sorts of winks are limited only to situations which involve my girlfriend.