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When the spit goes down you'd better be breaddy (Saturday)

I was saddened to see porky granny-sh#gging-scouser Wayne Rooney screaming in agony after a nasty tackle today. It's never nice to see someone in pain and I've always had a soft spot for the chubby halfwit myself. More so recently, given his legal success against a major media company. However his injury is not all doom and gloom folks - oh no!

Apparently "Engerland" now has no chance whatsoever of winning the world cup. It's safe to say this is some of the best news I've heard all week. The sooner they're kicked out of the running officially the better. Why? Because it means I have to endure less cu#ts behaving like tw#ts in pubs/streets etc. Less fuc#wits driving round with bloody flags in their car. Less halfwitted cu#tishness all round in fact. Great.

"B-but Nick, surely you are English? So you're bound by a sort of duty to support--"

Co#krot! Utter co#krot and you know it. Who won the international tiddlywinks championships? Don't have a clue do you? Was it "EnGerLand"? Again you've about as much knowledge about that as the gass which bubbles from my bottom. Why do you prefer football to other sports? Because you've been told to since you were a little kid. Fuc#ing pathetic.

As pathetic as Big Brother and X Factor Island or whatever. Brainless rubbish. Nothing more.

I don't mind people having brainless interests. I, for example, have hundreds of them. If you're a regualr reader you'll know this already. But at least I know that's all they are. I don't go get drunk and run round with my Dr Who DVD's agressively singing patriotic or nationalistic songs when they comission a new series or have a particularly acomplished episode on*. I don't treat it as a right of passage. I know it's brainless inconsequential s#it. Just like "footy".

I was at a comedy gig last month and the comedian asked us if we'd got up to anything particularly exciting recently. The comedian was in the fat-no-nonsense beer-drinking-prole model. To annoy him I said we'd watched Dr Who DVDs. He said he thought Dr Who was gay and he liked drinking and 'burds' and football and stuff**. As I watched him, like one watches a snail crawl over your carpet in the front room, I wondered which was the most gay pastime.

a, Football - watch a load of men, with all your best male friends, play on a field where there are no women allowed. When the men get a goal they kiss each other.

b, Dr Who - hit and miss sci-fi written by a gay bloke. Liked mainly by single blokes.

Obviously once I'd got all the evidence together like this I realised that none of them are particularly "gay" in that being gay involves falling in love with men. Even though football fans often profess to "love" players and teams. Even though there are some football players who are clearly lying about their sexuality. Therefore sexual deception is accepted in the culture of football***. However it doesn't make it "gay". Saying it's "gay" is a stupid thing to say. Football isn't "gay" it's s#it designed to reduce your intelligence. Big difference.

NM

*Contrary to some of the reports you may have read in some of the grubbier broadsheets.

**It's possible you'd get the impression here that he was really s#it. That's not true he was mildly amusing. Slightly odd looking bloke. But funny in places.

***As I learn is, casual racism, rape, violence and various other unsavoury activities. Don't think they'd let you do any of that in the TARDIS.

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