Driving into work today I see a baby faced girl of about 17 with a pink baseball cap on chewing gum and driving a car with two massive England flags pinned precariously to the doors. I've already made it clear that I hope England are disqualified from the world cup as soon as possible. I'm not sure if I've ever put into print how much flags in general annoy me. I've certainly broadcast my viewpoints in the past.
I recently read an opinion piece by (I think) Charlie Brooker in (I think) The Guardian about how flags are a sort of branding iron printed onto thick people. The beauty of these labels, he wrote, is that the thickos actually stick them on themselves. Listeners to my old phone in will recognise this argument as one I put forward a couple of years ago.
The thing I don't like about this though is it's smug, self satisfied and avoids the real reason flags are so awful.
I think of each country as being a corporation much like Tesco or McDonalds. The only difference is that England has been around for such a long time that it existed before there were laws and moral restraints holding back its desires*. As a consequence England is a bigger and more powerful corporation. Its aims are simple, make money and look after the top dogs. As employees of England we are tended to as a farmer tends his crops. Great.
But not so great that I want to put flags on my car, sing the company anthem and pretend to give a s#it how the sports team does like some f#cking vegetable brained a#se mind.
Do you see what I mean?
I got some Tesco clubcards coupons today. I couldn't help but feel like a twat when I was pulling them out and sticking them into my pocket. I know it's bulls#it. I don't know why I even got a clubcard. "Baa baa" like a bloody sheep. I know corporations are wrong, morally.
"In life, you're either f#cking someone or you're being fu#ked!"
But if you know in your heart that corporations are wrong ask yourself about the nation you so proudly claim to be a part of. England sends its employees to fight in wars, kill people and be killed. I don't remember that being part of the deal when I worked at Morrisons!
Flying a flag in my opinion is very un-English. It's not something which is part of my culture anyway and I'm more English than most**. It's impractical as well.
In fact that was what I was going to write in the first place.
Driving down the motorway with my Dad, some tw#t is infront of us with two flags on their car. One of them flys off in the wind and smashes into the vehicle behind him. We're slowly drawing up alongside this cretin and I see his 17 - 18 year old thick t#at face. It reminds me of a recent conversation I had about how in the 1st world war loads of kids around his age were sent to die in trenches for no good reason in defence of England Ltd. It's a sad moment as I realise that he's too young and stupid to understand that. Four or five generations ago now. Shame.
What's even worse is that as we drove on I found myself thinking "what this generation needs is a bloody good war to shake them up a bit".
Don't look at the screen like that you cu#t. I realised I was wrong as soon as I thought it. You've thought the same thing yourself. You just won't admit it!
*The laws which stop McDonalds from housing its workers and sending employees to war have of course been put in place by England to stop it from becoming a threat.
**I don't EVER go abroad. Ever. I hate the idea.