So... um... what do you think of my friends? They don't really talk to you much...

I haven't been swimming for ages. That is, until today. I really enjoyed it. I'd forgotten how much fun it was to just float around. I'd also apparently forgotten how to swim. It took me a few goes to remember how it all worked. I did 10 lengths and then sat in the bubbly thing with my mates and slagged off the bloke we'd all heard in the changing rooms on his phone. His conversation had run like this:

"Is tha goin' ahht ta neet?" he slurred.


"Yeh, um... are you coming out tonight?"

T#at. It's the most succinct example I can give of someone who clearly puts on their accent to appear cool or street or whatever. Accents have always annoyed me in that respect. I clearly remember friends of mine at school who talked normally suddenly adopting absurd silly local tones just to seem grown up and tough. It really annoyed me at the time and still does.

Nick Fact #1: If you talk like a c#ck-brain people will presume you are one.

Nick Fact #2: It is not natural to have an accent in this day and age. Everyone knows how to correctly pronounce words. The point of words is to allow communication. An accent which prohibits this is therefore rubbish.

Nick Fact #3: Accents are sh#t. That's been proved in tests by scientists, doctors and lawyers.

See, what annoys me about accents is people make out like they're an inseperable part of someone's identity. That is total bo#locks. My identity is rooted in more than my inability to communicate. So should yours be. Actually there's another example of someone making a spoon of themselves with their accent here. On Big Brother. If you can't be ars#d to watch it I'll just explain the exchange:

Pete: What's you're name?
Bonnie: Bonna
Pete: 'Bonner?'
Bonnie: - no Bonnie.

Ha. You stupid woman. You were affecting an accent and you made a tw#t of yourself. Even Davina* dishes out a smackdown right afterwards. Big Brother is ace.

Yes it is.

Richard to win**.


Tomorrow I will be going to see the doctor about my athlete's foot after the uber-strong creme which he gave me last week seems to have made it worse. Actually it's not athlete's foot, as I've pointed out before. It's actually some other f#cked up skin complaint. I've been told it's not contagious. Hence the swimming.
Anywho - while I've been scratching it I've been listening to the music on this website. It's by a group called No Xcuse I think. They sent me some stuff in the post. I usually ignore stuff like that but there we are. It's good. I think they're local. Better than the Arctic Monkeys. I don't understand what the fuss is about them. Hey ho.


*Davina, who is looking oddly attractive now pregnant. I need help!

**Hallam FM studio and I'm bored so I flick though some of the texts we've got. Hallam shares its text service with a few other stations. A listener to our sister station TFM sent in the following text three times; "Richard off Big Brother reckons he's a sexual terrorist ... does that make him a suicide bummer?". What amuses me about this is that he'd sent it in three times. Presumably he'd been dissapointed that TFM hadn't read out his hillaryarse joke. I can picture him saying to his mates - "they've not read it out, it's political correctness gone maad!".


Smithy said…
Brilliant weblog. I happen to read it every few days. Pretty funny at times as well.

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