I've never really managed to transcend the medium and become a genuine entertainer - a song and dance man, man.

Is it possible to actually get microwave lasagne out, without the ba#tard ending upside down? I think it's a trick in the design which is intentional. It's there to remind you that you're a sad loner with no family who has to eat rubbish micowave meals. Each time you look down at it you can see it's upside down as a testament to the twin factors which caused you to pick it in the first place:

A) You never learned to and/or cannot be ars#d to cook

B) No one else gives enough of a s#it to cook things for you*

Now I'll be frank at this point. I don't honestly believe anyone cooks proper meals if they live on their own. If you do you're actually lying. Not to me, I can't hear you. You're lying to yourself. And that's the real tragedy.

If you are a filthy liar whom I've just caught out fear not, me and you are quite alike in this respect. I may not pretend that I cook for one but I do sometimes get caught up in the collective deciet which sustains the sale of "gourmet" microwave meals.

Today I had the "uber-gourmet-microwave meal" which I've been saving up, for the day when I have enough Weight Watchers Points left over to eat it. It was that sort of a beast. 15 points! I'm allowed 31 points in the whole day. This lasagne cost a small fortune, about one million pounds. I had to take out a second mortgage to buy the bugger**. It took 14 minutes to make in the microwave! 14 minutes. This fact alone must surely be an indication of quality? A bit like those old ZX Spectrum computer games which would take an hour to load.

It even looked a little bit like it did on the picture on the front of the box. This took me by surprise at first and I thought perhaps there was something wrong. Like I'd got the wrong one. Then I just licked my lips and thought:

"Oh yes, quality! It really looks like the picture on the front of the box. That's quality that is sunshine. Ooh I'm in for a Royal treat and no mistake! Pah, who said microwave meals were the sole domain of a weeping divorcee?"

Then I had to try and get it out of the carton and onto the plate. I tried some serious acrobatics and managed to almost burned my hand quite badly on the heat coming out from under the pasta. Then I almost dropped it. Then I splatted it, upside down, onto the plate. The illusion was ruined. I was eating processed food, sure it was expensive but it was still processed food.

I think what gave the game away was that no cook in the land, no matter how inept, would have thought the best possible finishing touch would be to splat it upside down on the plate.

Still, it smelt nice and tasted okay.

Next time I think I'll just buy the cheap one though.


Here's a website I spoke about on the show last night. It's about Kurt Cobain who was surely murdered. Surely? Click here [external link].

*Quite rightly. Don't misunderstand me here. I'm not under the delusion that my girlfriend should have to come over and cook for me.

**This information here is mostly factually incorrect.


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