Today I went to the cinema with my girlfriend to see the new Jenifer Aniston chickflick "The Break-Up". I can almost feel you looking at the screen in disbelief and/or admiration.
"Wow, you went to see a chick flick?". That's what you're thinking.
Well actually yes, I'm one of those "new men". As opposed to an old man, I'm a new one. I don't mean I used to be a woman. I've always been a man. Despite what you may have heard, I have not had an operation on my c#ck. I just...
Anyway, the real reason I went to see it was because the film we were originally going to see had loads of horrible kids queuing up to see it. Horrible knee high talking in the middle of the f#cking film kids. Granted Pirates of The Caribbean II was made for kids. However, I think there should be some sort of law stopping them from seeing it when I'm watching it. Talking kids in cinemas! I've ranted about them before.*
As we stood in the queue my girlfriend and I watched the horrible talking noise bags she suddenly said "ooh, I want to see that new Jennifer Aniston film but I'll go see it with my mates". Here I saw my chance to escape getting annoyed at snotty kids; "fine, we'll go see that".
"But it's a chickflick baby, are you sure you don't mind?"
"No, that's fine. I want to see it. Erm, it'll be funny. Or something."
"Are you sure? How odd. Okay. We'll go see that."
I'd scored a point without meaning to. She was happy I was going to see a chickflick. I was happy to escape watching a film in a playground. I'd traded being the only adult infront of a cinema screen for being the only bloke. There were no other men watching "The Break-Up". Not one.
As I mused on what a great boyfriend I'd made myself seem I noticed a bloke with a visor over his face, like you'd have if you were a spot welder. It took me a few minutes to suss out he was clearly making popcorn and his visor was there to stop him getting cernals in his eyes. That's cool. I bet he hates it.
It's with this detatched mindset that I watched the film. Look away now if you don't want to know the plot.
The plot: A bloke doesn't appreciate his girlfriend. She dumps him. He pretends he's not bothered but actually he is. He cries. End of film.
Sitting there watching it and my lady starts crying. I've been to see things recently and cried. It was funny to see someone else doing the same while I sat there unmoved. She was loving it. I like to feel that me poking her in the side and going "ha ha- you're crying" added to it. If she'd have done that to me obviously I'd have been a bit annoyed. Superman and War Of The Worlds are no laughing matter!
*Only once has a talking kid added to the film, no adverts before the film. The advert used the line: "we love dirt" or something like that. It was for a cleaning product. The gist of it was that dirt on clothes is a sign you've had fun. So, the line "we love dirt" and the little kid says "yeah 'coz it makes you money". Quite witty for a little kid. However, laugh at one of their comments and you will not hear the rest of the film! Red rag to a bull. Now, my girlfriend says I've used this little story before but I can't find it in my blog, which is now the size of a book. It's too big. Too much information.