The moral of the story then? Don't do stupid s#it. Even if some c#nt's filming you for a TV show. It's still dangerous.

B#llocks! I've put two pounds on at weight watchers. Further to that I spent around five f#cking hours pissing about with my computer today. I've no idea what's wrong with it but every attempt I make to fix it seems to make it worse. In the end I rang my Mum and asked her. She's a bit of a whizz on computers.

She kept asking me about it and told me, "there's something wrong with it". Followed by, "it's probably something you've done". Brilliant.

We then buggered about with it and seemed to make it better and worse at the same time.

By the end of it I was non-the-wiser and I switched it off in despair.

Amusingly I recently saw Jon Snow interviewing a computer on telly. The pitch was that it had won some compettition for being a realistic conversationalist*. It mimicks human characteristics which it has picked up online. It was very like the one I chatted to recently. You know, in that it was s#ite.

The problem with computers is that we give them too much credit. If there's one thing I've learned today it's that. They sound like a great idea then when push comes to shove they start f#cking up on you. We're too keen to believe in them. Or at least I am anyway.

Conspiracy theorists rant and preach about a time in the future when we'll all of us be forced to have microchips planted into our arms and then we'll be hooked up to some central grid. This dystopian view of the world comes with the suggestion that these complex high tech computer chips and systems would be used to control our every thought. Sounds scary right? Utter b#llocks. Surely by now we all know that the reality is we'd have faulty software stuck in our ar#e which didn't know anything at all, let alone have the ability to actually do anything.

NM

*It? What the f#ck am I on about? Listnen to me. The creator of the programme had won the competittion. It had won nothing. It can't win things. Or can it? I'm confused.

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