Shooty so loud I can hear you

Feeling ill and pretending you don't. It's a classic male persuit. I fell foul of it yesterday as I went into work and then had an awful show, full of little f#ck ups. As I blundered through it I got more and more annoyed at my ill body for not getting on and doing things properly.

My symptoms weren't major, just little things like a slightly sore throat and a bit of a headace. The cumulitive effect of them though was a dozy version of myself who couldn't do even the most basic tasks. I should have called in sick. Apparently the reason blokes do this, feel ill and then pretend they're not, is because we're worried it threatens our status as the alpha male? That annoyed me when I read it as I try very hard to not be the "alpha male". I think anything which denotes an "alpha male" status is surely to most people an indication that you're a tw#t. Big expensive car? T#at. No question. Like football? You're a t#at. Particularly if you are vocal in your support of the game. You should actually be ashamed of liking it. A little like me and my enjoyment of the TV programme Big Brother*.

I watched some stupid programme recently about male grooming. In it two lads were trying to set up some shop or other which sold perfume and so forth for men. The "expert" on the programme was giving them advice on how best to appeal to the male market.

"Oh, stick a rugby ball in the window, and a sports car," he prattled. The idea being that stupid alpha males will go; "oh, a Rugby ball, I'd best go in here and look at all the perfume. Hey, hang on a minute, a f#cking sports car as well! I'm going in there to buy perfume and I won't look gay either. Brilliant."

Look at all the s#it they sell to people using football. I'm not just talking about products here, I'm talking about concepts as well. Nationalism, agression, leadership. Makes me sick. I hate alpha males and all they get upto. They're an absolute pain in the left b#llock.

I recently had a conversation about this with a friend and when I told them I didn't like and/or need "alpha males" in my little life they told me that was because in doing so I was trying to be one. I just 'didn't like being beaten at the alpha male game'. Fortunately I worked out that wasn't true. I'd love to explain why but my food has just pinged on the microwave and I'm still feeling a bit poorly.

*Sadly the logic of my rants is ruined by the fact I like and am friends with people who own big expensive cars, love football and do various other "blokey" things. Unfortunately the logic of my rantings is frequently damaged by the small number of friends I have. In an ideal world they'd all totally subscribe to my bulls#it and act like some sort of cult. Sadly I've not managed to get that kind of deal going since I left primary school. Still, my devious plan will come together in the end.

Apparently my personality is like acid. I have the following proof:

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict.
One moment you're in your own little happy universe...
And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!


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