This is not a gospel... it's a dialogue. Now listen to me you c#nts.

We're not robots but there's plenty about us which is robotic. We react to some situations in a very instinctive automated fashion. A robot is just a mechanical device which carries out pre-determined actions according to instructions. If I burn you with a cigarette you'll squeal and try to move away.

The odd thing about us is that there lies at the heart of each of us an element of random. An element of chaos around which all these biological impulses are built. "Logical" being the key part of that word. Logic comes from without not within. Right?

You are taught logic, it's not something that you just know. Or is it?

See I'm really not sure. I was thinking late last night about what exactly a human being is. What drives us? All the stupid s#it we get up to, what's it all for? It's not just to reproduce. That's b#llocks. If that were true why bother wearing an extra layer of skin when you're having sex? If that were true why bother doing most of the things we do?

Why bother writing this blog?

Why read it?

It's a form of high tech grooming. I'm pulling fleas off you like a couple of apes in the jungle. That's what I'm good at. I make a living doing it.

But that's a bit of a reductionist view of things and the problem with reductionism is it never gives you the full picture. Why watch telly when you've got a window to look out of?

I don't know why we exist. I don't know what we're for. I don't know why we're here. None of us do. And those that say they do should be treated with suspision because they're missing out on an important part of what it is to be human. If they KNOW why we're here and what we're doing they will behave even more like robots than the rest of us do. Where's the fun in that?

That's the chaos I'm talking about. There's an element of random which lies at the heart of you. Ignore it and the external universe has destroyed what makes you, you.

You'll die inside.

When it's dark and you don't know who you are anymore things can still make just as much sense as they do when you're driving in your car to work singing along to the radio. It's all an illusion. We're all already dead, it's only our perception of time which stops us from understanding that fact.

And don't go getting too hooked up on that either. Lots of people believe that it is their memories which make them who they are. Total bulls#it. You can forget everything and still be you. When you were born you knew nothing, it was still you.

So there!

All of the above is a long way of saying that my insomnia is at its absolute worst at the moment. I've suffered from it all my life. It's one of the keys to understanding my personality. Hours up alone at night, thinking.

Can't get to sleep.


PS - Here's a link to a very funny programme called "Penn and Teller's Bullshit!". It's a handy reposte to yesterday's post.

In the likely event that the video above doesn't work, here's the direct link.

And also, while I'm at it. The Loose Change link in the sidebar is now fixed. Thanks to everyone who pointed that out.


Lloyd said…
There are easier ways to come out you know Nick. Just say "mum, I'm gay".
jodester said…
there are ways to overcome insomnia if you want to Nick, what kind of defeatist attitude is 'i've always been an insomniac'?! ridiculous!

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