I had a call off my old mate James today asking about Civilization IV, the game which has frankly ruined my life as much as heroin would if I decided to use it. He said that after just half an hour of tinkering about on it when he came up on Thursday he now wants to get a copy for himself.
"I can't stop thinking about it, great game" he enthused.
"Don't f#cking do it, you'll never get your life back!" I shouted like a maniac who'd been sat on his own in a little room for hours.
He thought I was joking. I really wasn't. It's the greatest game in the world and I can't help but play it. I'm wasting huge chunks of my life on it. I really should be doing more worthwhile things with my time rather than sitting here pretending to conquer the world.
One sign that I've really lost the plot is that during the game I've oddly developed a conscience about things. I feel bad if I use nuclear weapons on my fictional opponents for example. I also get off on the idea of passing environmentally friendly laws. That means there some irrational part of me which thinks the world I'm playing with is actually f#cking real. That makes me a little insane.
Perhaps the best thing to do would be to mail the blo#dy thing off to him and then get back to my life*.
Over the weekend my mate who is a proper stand up comedian suggested some books for me to read after I explained how truely awful I am at it. One of them is by a bloke called Richard Belzer. In looking him up on Wikipedia I stumbled on some unintentionally amusing footage:
If you are amused by live television going wrong amid stupid violence then this clip is for you. If not, give it a miss. It earned the victim a reported £5 million after a brief spell in hospital and had me p#ssing myself laughing, particularly as the one and only Mr T starts chipping in towards the end talking out absolute b#llshit out of his a#sehole.
*My girlfriend would love me to do this.