I was f#cking awful. My stand-up set tonight was actually one of the worst ever performances I've ever given. I'm actually managing, with practice, to get worse at being a stand-up comedian. That surely does not make any sense? The crowd were fantastic, the night was brilliant, I was s#ite. I mean, really bad. The moment I got on stage I realised I didn't want to be there. I immediately struck a camp pose and bumbled into something which wasn't my set. Then I did a rubbish Dr Who joke which I wasn't initially planning to do. Then I looked around, slightly confused. Then I did a joke about b#msex and was red carded off the stage.
I have no idea why, once onstage, I feel so much more comfortable being a little bit limp-wristed. It always happens but I'd got quite good at resisting it. Not tonight. Tonight, as soon as I got onstage I though, "hey, a hand on my hip would feel real good right now". Go with the flow baby. Oh dear.
The biggest laugh of the night came when I did the following 'hilarious' joke:
"I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, no you don't".
What actually happened was this; "I know what you're thinking..." - in chips audience member - "yeah, you're shit". Game over. Everyone laughs. I get even more confused and drop the gag altogether.
Part of me was thinking - "no, now come on, don't interrupt, you won't enjoy it as much".
I should have been thinking of a hilarous response but actually I just felt a little bit like an angry teacher who's been beaten by a "witty" pupil.
Oh dear. I was bad. Seriously. Bad. I think I need to have a major re-think as regards my little hobby. If I ever do another gig it's going to involve uber-practice. I was very under-rehersed. Man I was rubbish.
The other acts were good. They were professionals. In fact I ended up on the same bill as Susan Hanks. I mentioned to her backstage that I'd seen her and written about her in my blog, she gave me a sort of knowing look and went: "Oh, that's you, I see, it makes sense now".
I was busy being 'hilarious' so I said: "yeah ha ha, I've been following you and taking pictures". She didn't look sure how to take that and I instantly felt like an unfunny fool. I was so nervous backstage with the other comedians. I'd seen almost all of them at The Zumeba in Manchester and most of them had been brilliant. I knew elements of almost all of their acts and being amongst them made me even more nervous.
"Sh#t, these guys are good comedians, what the hell am I doing here?" went my internal monologue. Also I felt like I wasn't part of their gang. They all knew each other and I felt totally out of my depth. Probably because I was.