Take me wife, please. Take me. (Saturday)

If you've ever marvelled at how long a woman can take to get ready to go to a party, times that by about a million when you're talking about fancy dress. We literally spent all day faffing about as we prepared for one today. I picked up a Darth Vader costume with my lady and her mate in town. All the while I listened to them worrying about looking fat;

"I should just go as Jabba The Hut," said her friend as my lady chipped in with "I was going as Wonder Woman, I think I'll go as Chubby Woman instead."

It's hard to know what to say in such situations. I think my girlfriend looked fantastic dressed as Wonder Woman but she wasn't convinced. She looked more p#ssed off than I think I've ever seen her as she stood there looking at herself in the mirror with half of her wonder woman costume on.

I got so unsure of what exactly to say that I decided to go to sleep for a bit. When I woke up Wonder Woman was there in the room ready to go to the party. Off we went. It was a great night. Fancy dress is much more fun than you'd think. We saw Freddie Mercury, Hugh Hefner, Rolf Harris, Zorro. It was really good fun. Two of our friends were there dressed as Indiana Jones and Roller Girl* respectively.

As we got chatting to people and the alcohol flowed I enjoyed the celebrity my Darth Vader outfit brought with it. People took pictures of me. When they did I always made sure I had a big smile on my face, then I'd realise there was no need as I had a mask on, ruined. However, as I got more and more drunk I started putting my foot in it a bit. Firstly I spouted off some 'highly interesting information' about questionable research into the evolutionary nature of homosexuals;

"Apparently you're more likely to be gay if you have two or more older brothers"

"Really? Sounds like b#llocks to me. Lets ask him, he's gay. Ere, this bloke reckons to be gay you need a couple of brothers"

"What? I ain't got no brothers babe, neither has my partner"

Soon I'm surrounded by a little crowd of people interrogating me about my odd beliefs on homosexuals, "so you're saying to be a gay you've got to have two brothers?". The more I tried to explain the more I questioned where this information had come from. "Er, no, it's just more likely that you'll be gay. There's more testosterone in the womb so it means, um. You're more likely. And ... you're middle finger is bigger and you're more likely to have a bigger wi#ky." I spluttered totally confused as to where all this was coming from. The w#nky comment seemed to appease though.

Later on I was chatting to a girl dressed as "Fat Britney". She announced that she'd been a vegetarian for a week after watching some film or other made by PETA. I was horrified. Not that she was a vegetarian but that she'd be influenced by such a facistic right-wing group. We promptly got into an argument about animal testing, which was reasonably heated;

"We don't need to test things on animals though."

"But what do you know about this subject? Nothing. I'm prepared to trust the experts. If they say they need to test stuff on animals I believe them."

At this point other people started chipping in telling me that everything which needed to be discovered had been found out by now so there wasn't any need for animal testing. I was the only person in the room who thought it might be a good idea to try and cure cancer at the cost of a few hundred animals. Apart from Indiana Jones, who sat in the corner of the room hidden under his hat keeping well out of it. He knew I was right, what's more, I knew he knew. However, Roller Girl was his girlfriend and she was busy being outraged at my callous attitude.

We left soon after. No one ever regrets going home slightly early. Remember that. You only ever regret staying out too long.


*Who is Roller Girl?


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