Pull my brain inside out and shoot it like a drag.

Last night I wandered upstairs after my radio show and got a cup out of the cupboard, added a teabag and put it under the tap which dispenses boiling hot water to thirsty Hallam FM employees. The water splashed all over the place. Fortunately it missed my hand and I turned the machine off. Like some sort of rubbish slapstick comedian I'd not noticed that the cup was upside down and that the teabag I thought I'd thrown in there had actually landed on top of it. I decided to capture the moment with a picture of the cup immediately after the event. In many ways I think it proves that a picture is not worth a thousand words. Without these words I've used here it'd be a meaningless picture whereas without the picture these words still make sense.

That saying has always annoyed me. I'm not an overly visual person. A picture of 999 words, what would that be worth? Surely less than 1,000 words? What's a picture of one word worth? Silly saying. I wonder if the person who coined that phrase was prone to absurd slapstick moments like I am though? Probably was with sloppy logic like that.

Speaking of sloppy logic can you suss out the following conversation?

Me: I'm all up for a new phone and cheaper calls mate, all I'm saying is that I'm not prepared to give out my personal details to someone I don't know.

Telemarketer: I understand completely sir, all I need is your name and your postcode.

Me: Right, but that's not right though is it? I don't want to give you my name and postcode. I just told you that. I don't know who you are. You claim to work for Orange but I have no way of knowing that. Can't you just send me all this in the post.

Telemarketer: No sir. I need to get your details so you can take advantage of these offers.

I've had a lot of calls recently from people who claim to be from Orange and want to give me phone bill discounts and new phones but have no idea what my name is. It's more than f#cking annoying.

Immediately after finishing this call I noticed that the pineeapple chunks which I was eeeating tasted reeally bitter. I kept eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.*

After the call I went back to eating my pineapple chunks which I'd got on the go. They'd tasted fine before the phone conversation but now they tasted sharp and bitter. It annoyed me that the phone call seemed in some way to have soured my tastebuds so in an act of defiance I continued with them but they seemed to get even more spicy and odd tasting. In retrospect they must just have been a bad batch. They played hell with my insides, I've still not quite recovered, but in many ways I still blame telemarketing.

Why do they say they understand things when they clearly don't?

Here's Monday's dog picture, designed to cheer you up if it's your first day back at work.

I'm not sure if this is one I've been sent or if it's one I took myself. My dog picture obsession has lasted for about a year or two now and I really do have about 100 pictures of random dogs on my phone. Each picture is brilliant for a different reason. This one is brilliant because you can see that the dog is tied up and waiting for its owner. Dogs are happy to wait for their owner for hours. Cats simply would not do this. Even if you tied one up, it would somehow escape and run off. Notice also how this cheeky little scamp shows no interest whatsoever in the person who is taking its picture. It's focused on the task at hand, waiting for its owner to return. Humans like me could learn a lot from this. The picture of the cup is an example of my lack of focus in life. I actually believe dog's are far more intelligent than humans and if we handed over the machinery of the state to them instead of people like Tony Blair the world would be a better place.

NM

*That's it. My "E" key is truely f#cked now. I'm just going to have to use it without a key on it. Bo#locks.

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