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I keep getting odd primate moments when I'm struck by the memory that we're all just f#cking monkeys.(Thurs)

I love it when I have dreams which leave me with a thought that I can't properly explain. The following fully formed bit of nonsense was bouncing round my head recently when I woke up:

Imagine a little tiny pubic hair sprouting from the ball bag of an ant. Perched on the very end of it is a germ. Would it be visible to the ant like the ant would be to you were it clutching on to the end of one of your pubes? The answer of course is no, no it would not. Ants have very poor vision, most of them are totally blind. Furthermore they do not have testicle bags.

I don't have a clue what thats about but it makes me laugh. A wise old man was telling me it over and over again, I think, but I can't really contextualise it.

As I got to my weight watchers meeting late yesterday there was a certain ammount of natural tension as the entire meeting was interrupted by me and then had to wait and watch politely as I got onto the scales. Fortunately I was wearing my paper thin trousers as opposed to my normal jeans so it turned out I was 2.5 lbs lighter than last week. In reality this means I've probably lost about half a pound or something. F#ck all in other words.

However, given that I've been able to eat as much food as I want this week, just so long as I eat the right things, it's not bad going. I think I'll stick with the No Count version of weight watchers for a bit and then decide which I prefer. I also intend to try and get onto the other requirements of No Count, like eating five portions of fruit and veg and drinking 8 glasses of water a day. Even though an entry in Richard Herrings's fantastic Warming Up blog did put me off that idea a bit by sending me to this Urban Myths entry on Snopes. Apparently the whole water thing is b#llocks. The first word of that last sentence being perhaps the most important.

It was an interesting meeting yesterday as our leader shared quite a personal story with us, where some bloke had said to her, "you should get that dress in a bigger size". From the way she told the story and the way she looks, i.e not fat but perfectly nomal and slim, it was obvious to me that the bloke in question was just being a c#nt. I told her so as well. Still it was a meeting which genuinely brought home to me how nasty the words of others can be.

In fact it reminded me of a time when I was out with my mates "on the pull" a while ago. I made some unfunny joke at a woman who I'd failed to make any progress with by telling her she was wearing rubbish clothes or something. Although I was drunk and I said it in a sort of jokey way she was totally f#cking devastated. I realised as soon as I'd said it that I'd done the wrong thing and it was driven purely by the impotent dissapointment that she wasn't even slightly interested in seeing my bedroom ceiling. I remember the mate I was out with saying, "never joke to a woman about something like that mate, it's one of the cruelest things you can do". I felt like what I was; a f#ckwitted chump.

The differences between men and women are various and interesting. I don't think I know a single bloke who would be as upset by the suggestion that they weren't wearing the right clothes. Or that they were a little overweight. It doesn't work in the same way.

Going to weight watchers and, in general, being the only man there is proving to be a rewarding experience on many different levels. Firstly it's helping me to see more clearly how women look at various issues. Secondly it has introduced me to the wonders of sugar substitutes like Canderel*. I'm totally f#cking hooked on it. It's like cocaine**.

GOOD LINK: If you find Ricky Gervais funny you must click here. I don't know how long it'll stay up but it's a fantastic special guest appearance on internet TV show "The 9". Not a bad TV show, I think the presenter is quite good personally but the clash of worlds which you get between her and Gervais is priceless.

NM

*Most conspiracy theorists and new age types think this sh#t is worse for you than sugar. Ruined.

**Obviously I do not condone the use of drugs. Particularly if you're a thick person. Drugs and thick people do not mix. If you're smart enough to make your own mind up about these things then feel free to snort as much of the sh#t as you like. If you're thick as f#ck and are the sort of person who looks to others for direction I'd give it a miss mate. Particularly cocaine. It makes stupid people even stupider. It's possibly the worst drug I've ever encountered. Total waste of time.

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