"Click, ting, stamps".

Have you ever wondered where those topical jokes come from that people send you as a text message or email? It clearly wasn't actually written by the wacky f#ckers who sent you it, they can't both have written the same joke. Obviously somewhere, just out of the reach of your social circle, there's a hilarious jokester feverishly writing cheap offensive news based humour and then sending it out to everyone in his address book.

Over the past few days I've looked at the brutal and horrific death of Saddam Hussein as a unique, exciting opportunity to become that person.

I started off thinking along the lines of:

Millions of people have seen pictures of Saddam Hussein being killed. It's thought that not all of them got what they expected when requesting pictures of a well hung male.

I was quite proud of that but my mate Dave Henning thought I should rephrase it as a personals ad. As a result I ended up messing about with the idea and confusing it a bit.

At the same time I was working on this angle as well: award for the world's worst New Year's day hangover goes to Saddam Hussein.

Hilarious, I'm sure you'll agree but still lacking that punch needed to turn it into a joke you'd pester someone else with. Other than these two ideas I was dealing with material which was very ropey indeed.

Today though, disaster struck. I got the following text off a mate:

Daryl forwarded me - "Dunno if ur interested but a mate of mine's got some saddam husein t-shirts for sale: bit tight round the neck, but they hang well!"

"Ruined," I thought, "that means other people are on it already I'd best think of one quick before any more come in". Then my phone beeps again this time it's Dave who's been sent one:

"Rang saddam hussein to wish him happy new year. The bastard's hung up."

B#gger. There goes the phone again, it's Daryl and his final one that he's been sent; "You can now play hangman on your phone. I'll start you off with an easy one Sad_m Hus_a_ ". Snotbags! I'm just too slow at writing jokes. I need more practice.

I suppose the question still remains, who is it that writes these things? My mate Anthony thinks they're written by professionals who are hired by the phone companies to generate text traffic. I'm not sure, I like the idea because it involves a conspiracy but it doesn't sound very realistic when you've not had a few pints. The trail of these things could easily stretch out over 100s of different people across many social networks. Maybe they reach all the way to Parliament or The Whitehouse? Those lot must be p#ssing themselves laughing at Saddam's undignified death. I look forward to the presumably ironic statements from all sides about how this isn't how they wanted it to end and so on. Makes me sick.

Here's a f#cking joke for you. At Saddam Hussein's trail they did away with the idea of "reasonable doubt" in favour of people feeling "satisfied" that the man was guilty. Here's another one for you, the trial was condemmned by BOTH the UN and the European Union as being unfair. The chorus of criticism was also added to by various human rights groups including Amnesty International. During the trial three of Saddam's lawyers have been murdered.

And what's he on trial for? Is it the crime for which he is most known? The gassing of the Kurds, the one Tony Blair keeps using as an example of what a c#nt he is? No. No it's not. It's something totally different. In fact now they've killed him, as I understand it, he'll never stand trial for those offences. He's escaped justice entirely on that front.

There's your joke for you. Our taxes paid for this farce. I hope Bloodthirsty Blair is enjoying his holiday. What a waste of time, money and human lives.

NM

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