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thecultofnick

Shoot the burgers and then lick the fries.

I pulled in at a service station garage to fill up on petrol. "Amazing, that's almost a pound a litre" tutted my brain as it listened to a podcast on my mobile via some headphones*. An angry looking bloke pulled up alongside me in his sports car. I correctly guessed he was a pr#ck.

"'Scuse me mate, do you know if I'm at the right junction for Warrington?"

"Ah, no. I'm sorry I don't really know."

"It's round 'ere though innit?"

I decide to adopt a blokish demeanor and go "aye, yeah, it's not far off, maybe ask inside and see what they've got to say," as I wave in the direction of the service station garage.

The bloke gets out of his car and strides off ahead of me. As he goes I hear his voice trailing off with the following sentence;

"Aye, good idea mate. He'll have a map or somethink. Oh f#ckin' 'ell it's a f#cking P#ki! I won't be able to understand a word he says".

I was shocked. I took my headphones out. I couldn't believe what I'd heard. I was dumbstuck. I've long thought racism was on the rise in this country but I've never bumped into such naked casual c#ntishness. He seemed to say it in a manner that suggested, as another fat white bloke, I'd agree with him. But he was out in the distance now, already talking to the man in the garage. I really didn't know how to react. Should I challenge him inside the garage? What would I say? I decided to go into the garage and dish out some subtle retribution. I walked right up to him and said as confidently and clearly as I could:

"It's all the way off down that way mate, five junctions down. You're way out of your way here."

"Really? Blo#dy 'ell. I told her".

Unfortunately the garage attendant chipped in and corrected me, giving concise and clear directions to the racist. As I watched him drive off I hoped that his bigotry would force him to follow my false directions in preference to the garage attendant. Surely he'd trust me, a fellow whitey? Unfortunately his racism didn't extend that far and he turned round on the slip road back towards Warrington. Ruined.

I'm still shocked though. Perhaps I live a sheltered life. I'm reminded of Stewart Lee's frequent attacks on the "political correctness gone maad" brigade. He's right. Political correctness is a good thing. C#nts like that bloke in the sports car are the only ones who rejoice when it's pulled down. After all who gives a b#llock if it's called a chalk board?

NM

*Talking of podcasts don't forget there's a new one up at: www.nicholarse.mypodcast.com.

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