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Mingfish lives on!

Today I sat in my front room and was interviewed about my life as an aspiring stand up comedian. The interview took in everything from the way I got started in my radio career all the way through to the events which led to the unpredictable end of the Hallam FM phone in show. I spoke about being on air on Hallam FM as the Terror attacks of September the 11th were being reported, and the way in which it changed my outlook on being a radio presenter. I talked about the infamous "Knock Knock joke", being booed offstage in Sheffield and then rapped on about how the internet is transforming the media landscape. All in all it was a really f#cking odd experience but quite good fun.

I think I gelled quite well with Patrick, the bloke who's putting it together. He seemed like a good egg and really reminded me of a mate of mine who put in a splendid performance at my recent 30th Birthday Party. Perhaps that was just him doing his job well though? Who knows. Time will tell how that little project goes.

I'm still recovering from my weight gain yesterday at weight watchers; 2.5lbs. That's one annoying thing about being filmed today, I'll look all fat. And I've got "Action Man" hair. That's a bit annoying. While he got ready to film me he was adjusting his camera for ages and part of me couldn't help but think to myself, "he's doing that because you look really fat". Oh dear. I really am turning into a woman. Literally, I'm growing breasts!

In other news, last night, me and Daryl Denham and Matt Mackay and Dave Henning made a bit of a night of it and ended up watching some stupid YouTube videos. One of them was the old Gandhi video I made last month which is continuing its rise without any further help from me. Now pulling in 519 hits! It has been linked to by this fine blog over here. It's clearly a blog of quality and distinction, with a high readership. Firstly it must be good if whoever writes it digs one of my videos and secondly it's got a high readership coz around 100 or so people have come through that link to the video. Lovely stuff.

However, on the flip side the video now has a 3 star rating! That annoys me, I think it deserves more than that.

NM

Skoot down the back and then eat something else...

So, the documentary bloke comes down tomorrow. I'm a little unsure what to think about that. I'll know more about it tomorrow. All I know is it's a proper documentary company who have been contracted by ITV to do something for them. It's about the internet and the way in which it affects people's lives. They're interested in the fact that I've been doing stand up comedy and have been posting my efforts online, alongside a blog where readers have been offering sensible comedic analysis of my work. Potentially they could follow me to my next gig and witness my success or failure.

Also, to some extent, they'll be able to see how my move from Hallam FM to (*somewhere else*) goes. Maybe pop along to one of the meetings I'm going to and film it? Sure that'd be fun.

Still, like I say, this is just a screentest. They might film it and think "what the f#ck, this guy's a twonk!".

In preparation for his arrival I've been tidying the flat. It's a total f#cking mess as usual. There's a thick brown curry stain on the bedroom floor which I can't get out. There's loads of dirty dishes and pint glasses in the front room. All the life shrapnel that I always seem to have on my desk and windowsill is going to take ages to clear away. It's honestly like a bomb has hit the place.

I really think it aught to be "sort your life out" time soon. I need to get back onto the Tony Robbins thing*. I was following one of his trips for a while a few years ago. He's a lifecoach and self help guru. He's pretty good at it but I've not really followed one of his courses properly yet. That's something I'm about to do. I've got one of his packages, Get The Edge!

Let's see if I can.

Get The Edge, that is.

NM

*I often fall foul of self help bullsh#t. See here.

(Tuesday) Can you read my drafts?

The Monday Dog. It's a day late so I thought I'd go all out and whack up a video of Big John's Dog. Legend isn't it?



His dog is called Willow and I'm very jealous of it.

Today I spent most of my time working on writing up The Pat Mills interview I've been working on. Pat Mills is a huge figure in the world of comic books and has been given the title of "The Godfather Of British Comics". It's odd listening back to it, there's various points where I really should have interjected with stuff. He talks about all sorts of things though, and he does it in a really interesting fashion. I think there's parts of that interview which will work really well for a general reader. I'm tempted to reproduce some of it here on this blog later, once it's been published.

The way I'm writing it up is odd, I'm playing it back really slowly and then transcribing, pretty much word for word, what he's said. Now, he talks really quite quickly, but when you listen to what he's saying at a slower pace it's given a bit more weight. I think it's quite easy to dismiss someone who uses words well but says them quickly. What's interesting about this interview is that with a different pace you've got a great orator. I can see why he works well as a writer.

Unfortunately though, time is against me! I'm sorting out loads of other b#llocks as well so it's a bit of a worry that the deadline for this interview is April 15th! I didn't know that until today. I thought it was more like May.

Best get on with it.

NM

Sucking on a pink one, laughing at a shoe gun.

So, I've got another comedy gig booked in. To watch my previous gig look at videos.nicholarse.com, you'll find that sends you to my YouTube account. I'm polishing up my material and working out in which order I should put it all. I told "The Knock Knock Joke" to my mate Tom Binns recently and after a short pause he sighed; "yeah, I don't like that joke Nick, I can see why you got booed offstage". As a consequence I'm really short of material and need to write some more asap. I've got the following lines which I think might work in some form or other:

I think Tescos is a good supermarket.
It's good at exploiting it's workers.
It's good at undercutting local businesses
And it does really good ready meals.

My girlfriend doesn't shop at Tescos for "ethical reasons".
I can't remember what they are, it was in the Guardian the other week.
I like the Guardian, it help you see through the propaganda and think for yourself.
In in order to show my support though
I always make sure that whenever I go there
I always shop with a scowl on my face.

-- Something like that. It's not quite right yet but it'll follow on from the Jamie Oliver bit I think. I'm not sure. I'm really not sure at all.

Other than that I really like this line but have no idea where to put it in or if it would get a laugh:

At university I took magic mushrooms to expand my mind
And then used daytime television to shrink it right back.

It's a nice little bit, but it doesn't really scan properly. I think I'll chuck it in around the bit when I'm talking about having my haircut. I'm not sure. Still not quite enough though. Arrgh.

If you can think of anything amusing I've ever written in this blog please point it out with a comment and I'll have a look and see if it's useable.

NM

Shouldn't he be singing to them now? (Sunday)

Brutally hungover after the halfwitted nonsense of yesterday.

Fortunately I'd already decided I was going to take tonight off work. No more news from these people. They originally said they were going to come up tomorrow. I sort of hope that's not the case though as my house is a bit of a f#cking mess at the moment. I feel the need to play down expectations a little bit here as well. It might not turn out to be anything much. I really don't know the full details of it.

I'm pretty certain it'll drive up hits to this site though and as a result I've finally sorted out the web address of this blog. Margerrisons.blogspot.com will still get you here but I've now also got the much snappier www.nicholarse.com. This doesn't mean there are going to be any changes to the site itself it just means that if you choose to spread the word about this blog it's easier for you to do so. I'm still going to use www.blogger.com as the host site and there's no plans to change the layout either.

Also, my videos are a lot easier to find now as well: www.videos.nicholarse.com. That should take you straight to my YouTube account. Me and the lady sorted it out after a fair bit of messing around.

I feel quite excited to have a proper web address for the site. It feels like a proper thing now. I have an odd relationship with this blog. Sometimes I totally forget that anyone else reads it. That's never a good thing. It's been going for over a year, 483 days to be precise. If I suddently stopped writing it I'd feel like a little bit of me had died. It's an odd thing. The reason I'm thinking about that is because it's one of the questions I was asked by the bloke who is setting up the ITV thing; "why do you write it?". I couldn't think of a good answer at the time. I've been trying to suss it out ever since.

It's not money that drives it. There's obviously no money in a blog like this. Firstly, I'd hate to put up adverts here and secondly I think the people who read this would immediately see through me plugging something. Unless it was my fantastic gym. They'll never cotton on to that scam. I don't like to think it's raw ego though. It might be, but I'm pretty sure if that was all that drove it I'd run out of readers pretty sharpish and my drive would die down in the end.

The more I consider it the more I get into absurd pretentious territory where I start to remember the period I was at in my life when I started writing it. This thing was born out of the sense of total isolation which I felt during the peak of the talkshow nonsense when there was literally no-one on my side other than the listeners. A massive audience but a crisis at every step.

Without wanting to sound too flakey I think it's a little human voice shouting out and seeing if anyone cries back. Bit like the talkshow was.

F#ck I'm hungover.

NM

He's on a par with her boyfriend

Today I celebrated my 30th birthday in true epic style. It's not until the Monday but nontheless it seemed like a more practical idea to do the whole thing on the Saturday and have a bit of mayhem when everyone had a chance to get over. We mixed it up in The Devonshire Cat. There were two quite intense arguments, one person passed out and another bloke (not with us) got his c#ck out! Madness. Total madness.

There was a steller list of stars there, I was surprised at the turn out. I'd been worried that there'd be no-one there and I'd end up sat on my own crying into my beer wondering exactly when it was that my life went wrong.

Fotunately that wasn't the case, I was actually really touched at the number of people who turned up. It gives you a real sense of who your friends are.

The Devonshire Cat has been mentioned here before. In fact I've mentioned it a few times, it's got a menu for the beers! In many ways it was an obvious choice for my night of wacky nonsense. In order to accomodate the various different people who were turning up at different times me and a couple of the hardcore got down there nice and early. We were on it from the late afternoon but I made a sincere effort to go easy knowing there were people turning up later from various parts of the country.

Unfortunately I have very little real capacity for drink and got muntered quite early on. I remember one of my mates bouncing over towards me with a wobbling tray of sambucas and a big grin on his face; he ended up being the one who was out cold in the toilets about half an hour later.

"Has he done drugs? He must have done drugs."

There was an angry bouncer firmly trying to establish the situation as I stood between him and my mate who was sort of slumped over the toilet.

"No, he's fine, he's just a bit tired is t'old lad," I mumbled to myself. I had a big round badge with "World's Greatest 30 year old" written on it alongside a picture of a dog holding a champagne bottle. I must have looked like a complete tw#t.

"Move out of the way pal, let me have a look at him," said the bouncer who was being incredibly reasonable. It's awful when you're sort of p#ssed and observing yourself being in the wrong about something. I knew we were out of order but I also felt that in some way my badge protected me from a proper beating so was being unusually brave and standing in the way of this bloke who could have flattened me without thinking twice about it. I think the beer helped my confidence as well.

"Look, I can see his eyes, he's done drugs he must have done, move out of the way."

With this I turned round and looked up at the bouncer. I looked him straight in the eye and, with all the indignation I could muster, I said incredulously; "no actually, we've been here drinking since 4pm".

"Right, both of you, out!"

It was probably for the best; we all stumbled off home and then carried on drinking like fools. Some people carried on with the plan and went off to Gatecrasher, some people watched Shaun Of The Dead in the front room and others talked crap and watched the internet in the bedroom with me. The birthday cake which you can see at the top of this blog entry (it's in the shape of a DALEK if you can't tell) got demolished. Then we spilled loads of curry on the floor and fell asleep wherever we landed.

Brilliant.

NM

Tin cans and opel dreams.

An ITV film crew are due to pop round my house next week. They're making a series of documentaries about people who write blogs and the way in which the internet affects their lives. They're going to do a "screentest" round at my house to document my dabblings in stand up comedy. They've seen the video of me performing at The Frog And Bucket and they know that I'm a slightly "hit and miss" comedian.

Currently I'm walking a real tightrope with this blog, what with everything I'm sorting out workwise. It's really difficult not to hint at some of the things that I might soon be doing. The reason I can't hint is because none of them are in the bag yet and therefore they might not happen. Also, me blogging about them would make them even less likely to happen. It's a bit like this documentary thing, they're popping round my house to film me and do a "screentest". What if I fail the test of the screen? Well, the answer to that's obvious. They just don't include me in their documentary.

Apparently it would be a two month commitment. They'd be regualarly getting updates on my attempts to turn from being a sh#t comedian to a good one. When I first heard about it I presumed it'd be on some little Sky Channel somewhere. ITV though, that's pretty big isn't it? Perhaps if I play my cards right I'll end up a reality TV star, like that daft c#nt off Airport or whatever.

I get the feeling that would cost me quite a lot in the long run.

My relationship with television is an odd one. I actually turned down the chance to be on Tonight With Trevor McDonald when the talkshow was in its early stages a few years back. They wanted me to do a phone in about benefit fraud. In the end they used James Whale instead. I can't tell you how dissapointed my boss was at the time. Radio stations love being on telly. I've never been so sure. I always liked the idea of being on the radio but no one knowing what you looked like. You can be a voice not a face. Unfortunately that's all been a bit ruined by the internet where nowadays if you refuse to do a publicity shot, like I did with Hallam, they get really ars#y about it.

Anyway, for the moment it sounds like a fun idea, so, in order to make myself look more like "Mr TV" I've had my haircut. It's now really very short. So much so that my girlfriend hates it. She thinks I look like Action Man. "That's the price you pay for a £5 haircut!" she kept announcing to me. I actually think it looks alright. I particularly like the fact that it only cost £5.40p. That makes me feel good about life.

NM

Rang my mentor and he made me laugh like a girl.

I want to go and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It looks f#cking awesome. I saw a programme recently about how all the people making Doctor Who were kids who watched it back in the day. They are now making it as they imagined it was. It looks like the same is true of the new Ninja Turtles film. Look at this trailer:



Direct link.

The f#ckwitted American presenters seem to make it clear that this version is closer to the original Ninja Turtles comics. Sh#te! Me and my mates at school were into that! Eastman and Laird did a load of awesome small press comics upon which the entire franchise was based. The writing and art in them stuck right into your brain!

Be warned though, the last time I plugged a film on here before viewing it the film in question was Borat. What a dredful film that was.

Now, on the other hand, "Miss Potter"'s a great film. I have seen that. It was great. It made me cry. Different style of film to Ninja Turtles obviously but really very good.

NM

Tescos is a good supermarket! It's good at exploiting it's workers, undercutting local businesses and it does really good ready meals.

So, looks like the time has come for me to start using this account. I can resist no longer! I took a look at your profile and well, I liked what I saw.. :p

So, my name is Katherine. I think we should probably be friends, because you seem pretty cool, and maybe even cute! (it's everso hard to tell in this digital world :)
anyway, i'd go on all day, but I wanna get an answer from you..

You should check out my other "space" on this other site, I'm usually on over there: www.date-mate.org/?id=2464&mypics (my username is summers4me72). Then maybe we could chat sometime! you know what they say.. appearance captures the eyes, but personality captures the heart.. haha..
talk to you soon, Katherine


Well, quite.

The above is a message I got in my myspace inbox recently off "Katherine".

I've not yet been totally sold on myspace. It seems like exactly the sort of thing that is wrong with this world. Friends become commodities to be rated, gathered and then ignored. Creativity is facilitated by a sh#te editing package and every page seems to have some f#cking sh#te indie band playing away without you wanting it to. Actually, when I re-read this paragraph I think the opening sentence is a little understated.

That said I do have an account. I don't use it much but nontheless it is there. I have 20 or so friends. Some of whom I have met in real life, some of whom I have not. Kathrine however, I suspect, is not a real person. She's a spammer. She's trying to get me to join some other f#ckwitted social networking thing.

My myspace profile picture is of a pineapple with a face on it. I find it very unlikely that she thinks a picture of a pineapple is "maybe even cute". Unless she's a total moron.

Spamming like this is harmless, unlike the more serious sh#t you hear of from Nigeria where hardened criminal gangs extort vast amounts of cash from f#ckwits everyday. If you've got a bit of time on your hands I can't reccomend this site highly enough. It's a site dedicated to f#cking with dangerous spammers. It made me laugh like a fool, then feel a bit emotionally bereft.

NM

Super moog transmitters light sparkles in my mind...

I watched a very odd programme on the telly today while thumping away at the gym. It featured Keith Harris and Orville and was a sort of X Factor for kids. The conceit was that various different performers were caught up in some sort of prison where they had to perform to an audience of critically minded kids who would then vote on who got to leave the jail. On it were Mr Methane, a little girl who did Indian style dancing and a bloke who did tricks with a football. And Keith Harris and Orville.

It was odd to see the poor bloke performing his act in such a context. Enduring the kids and their comments on this odd Orville turn they'd had served up to them. I got the impression, perhaps wrongly, that the programme was fixed a little in Keith Harris's favour but still got a little buzz when he won his freedom. "Aha, the old dog's still got it in him," I couldn't help but cheer.

Mr Methane made himself look like a proper tool, farting along to "a tune off my new album". If you're not aware of him, he's a "Superhero" who did a brief tour of various different radio shows in the late 90's. He farts. That's it. It was interesting to watch Keith Harris looking onwards into the foreground as this novelty turn did his "act". You can imagine the story that was written in the lines on poor Keith's face as he assumed the gaze of one who has seen too much. I hope he got a good fee.

It's here that I should declare an interest. As a kid I thought Orville was awesome so I was over the moon when in the late 90's I had the "honour" of introducing him onto the stage at a listeners holiday weekend in Blackpool, Pontins. I have no idea how this all happened but rest assured, it did. I'm a local radio disk jockey from The North Of England, to me Phoenix Nights was a documentary not a comedy.

Anyway, I'm backstage and waiting to meet Keith Harris. I'm actually a bit nervous. He's a little late but not due onstage for a while. He'll be doing his rare "blue adult" material tonight for a sell out audience. Anticipation is high, this new version of his act has had rave reviews. Suddenly he's there, looking a little bit flustered and a lot older than I'd expected. I can't remember if he had two boxes or just one with him but I remember him wrapping on a corset and then knocking a box over and a big green hairy thing fell out of it (SMACK!!) onto the ground. "F#cking thing," he muttered as he picked it up by the plastic tube which protruded from one end of it. It was Orville's head! Two enduring images one after the other, my mind couldn't cope. He'd just whacked on the corset, as casually as you'd wipe your nose. It was the first time I'd ever seen one! Then he'd sworn at the decapitated apparently cumbersome head of one of my childhood icons!

He then said something along the lines of "right mate, you introduce me onstage and I'll give you a bit gip right, then I'll say your cue and you go off". I can't remember the exact details but I think Cuddles the Monkey called me a nob'ead or something. It all went fine and his show, which I went round the front to watch, was brilliant. Really genuinely funny. I was gutted to see him back doing kids TV stuff a few years later. I guess there just wasn't the market for alternative comedy being performed by Keith Harris and Orville.

In the unlikely event that he one day reads this entry though, let me write the following plea: DO YOUR ADULT ACT AGAIN, IT WAS GREAT!!

NM

Now look into the tonic water and what do you see?

Here's today's Monday Dog



This is Chloe, Matt Mackay's dog. She's appeared here before but this is a new picture. Matt came running up to me yesterday and went "Nick, Nick, look, I've got you a Monday dog!". Well, he sort of did that. To anyone else it would have looked like he went "look, my new camera on my new phone is pretty good isn't it, here's a picture of my dog". But, that's sort of code. In a way. Good picture isn't it?

Then there's this fantastic website made by my good friend Jon Ardern. He's a critically acclaimed artist who is fetted by the great and the good on a regular basis. I'm loving all the post collapse civilisation stuff he's got on there. Click here to go see!

And finally, here's a treat, this is a playlist of all my talkshow stuff edited together into one long thing which should play all in one go... that's good isn't it?



NM

Draw a line through that with a pencil (Sunday)

It amazes me what an idiot I am. Firstly, today, I present my Mum with a Mother's Day card with the legend: "To my Wife on Mother's Day". I only noticed when she took it out of the envelope. It cost me £5 that card and it made me look like the fool I am. Why would you have a Mother's Day card which says "To My Wife" on sale anywhere other than in America's deep south? Livid. Not only that but it was one of those cards with loads of pages to it, so I read the inside bit thought, "ah, cool ,that's what we want" turns out there's a whole essay written inside it on the other pages which I didn't even notice.

Who really reads cards anyway? Its a standard bit of written bumpf that has been printed for loads of other people on a machine. I'm making my own card next time.

Then I get totally lost on the way back and spend about 5 hours driving up and down motorways clueless as to which way I'm supposed to be going. It's the most fratrating experience in the world. Pure impotent rage! Arrgh!! I'm lost!!! You can't express it to anyone without them finding it a bit funny. Particualrly if you're totally on your own and have to ring them and tell them you're lost.

Then there is nothing more likely to increase your rage and bitterness agains the human race than drivers who smugly look at you as you try to get into a different lane. "Pah - I'm not letting you out, you should have thought of that sooner shouldn't you?" their faces seem to say. "Yes, but I'm f#cking lost so cut me some slack you twonk," I'd like to be able to say back but unfortunately my facial muscles aren't articulate enough. You can give yourself cramp trying to gurn that message over.

All in all a really irritating day.

NM

There's going to be a Real surprise... (Saturday)

Here's a picture which is really important to this story but equally incomprehensible:

As I drove away from work yesterday I felt something looking at me, really intently. It's quite a strange feeling but I'm sure you've felt it yourself. I had a look around and noticed that it was a little bunny rabbit sat under a tree. It was staring right at me. Moving gently on the spot as it breathed in and out. Its eyes looking particularly at me. I felt an odd mixture of curiosity and slight fear as it looked right at me, like a human would.

What would it be like to be inside that rabbit's head. Thinking with the same brain it uses. Imagine if you could experience that for just one hour, you'd never be the same again. It would turn the whole game around. Even just to live in the mind of another human being for a bit would be a head stretch, imagine what it'd be like if you were a rabbit. How would its eyes see the world? What would it feel like to have the limbs of a rabbit? Be the same size as a rabbit? Madness. But, that's exactly the experience the rabbit is going through right now. That's it reality. One it shares with me and you. And its only way of communicating that is to stare at me. Like it does in that photo. Or not.

There's loads of rabbits living outside Hallam FM, they've been there for years. Usually they'll run off when they notice you, occasionally they'll glance at you for a bit beofre doing so, rarely do they stare you out. I took out my camera phone, put it on night mode and snapped the above picture of a pitch black chaotic nothingness. I can make out the rabbit in there but I doubt anyone else can. My intent was to preserve its penetrating gaze and pass it on to you via the internet. I'm not convinced I've achieved that aim. I thought at the time that I'd screwed up so I decided to take a picture of another rabbit that was much further away and not in the slightest bit interested in me. My thought process went like this; "I'll lie and tell people that this was the rabbit that stared me out". Unfortunately the second picture is also pretty sh#t:

Not to worry eh?

NM

"January 2007 I hear a voice from the future telling me this year will be a gudden".

I bought my Mother's Day present today; some nice ear rings. Some nice, expensive, ear rings. I've never really understood jewelry. Mum likes it though. For me it's in the same sort of league as any other body decoration, like tattoos or a bone through the nose or whatever.

I've particularly never understood tattoos! What's the deal with that? Unless they're one which is going to help you win an oscar like Helen Mirrens, why bother with it? Oh dear, the idiot conspiracy theorist in me is spouting out nonsense again. I watched the film she was in, The Queen, and it was sh#t. Here's my review at the time. How that won an Oscar I do not know. Unless you follow the tinfoil hat brigade off on the notion that her odd tattoo choices played well somewhere. I've said it before, I'll say it agian, it'd be fun to be a mason. Why don't they ask me to be one? I'd be good at it.

Perhaps instead we should form our own secret society, on the back of this blog. The comments section is cooking at the moment, it's slowly turning into a sort of community. The next step must surely be covert world domination. We'll call it something mystical like, The Secret Ones. Then we can have secret meetings. In fact the meetings themselves can be so secret that not even those in attendance will know where or when they are taking place. They don't even have to be there to be part of the secret club. In fact it's so secret it doesn't even exist.

Yeah! That's it, you're a member of my secret club, just by reading this. Actually, no you're not. Or, in fact, yes you are. Or are you? I can't say. It's a secret. So f#ck off. Or rather, don't, yeah. Or no. This bit is a secret message. Actually, no it's not. This bit is: this bit here, which doesn't actually say anything. Or does it?

NM

Scooby Dooby Poo (Thursday)

My little YouTube game continues. I discovered a great couple of videos recently!



Direct link
.

And...



Direct link
.

I didn't make these, they're made by someone else. Judging by his YouTube profile it's one of the show's younger fans. Marvin, 19, from Barnsley. Brilliant. He's a legend! "The Best Of Aloisius". The irony is that I couldn't make that video, I don't have the audio. I've got quite a lot of shows but obviously not all of them. At a guess I think between me and all the other people who ever taped it you could probably put together the entire run but it's not likely.

Oddly enough there's another bloke here:



Direct link.

He's putting in a "hilarious" wind-up call. Bit disappointing this one though. If he's winding me up he should have had a bit more to go on than he does. Not to worry. The thought was there. He's had 1,000 hits as well. That's more than my videos have had! Seems a little unfair don't you think?

Well done everybody.

I like the idea of people putting up their own stuff related to the show. It's a good thing. I always wanted the phone in show to inspire other people to break out of the box a bit. I don't know that I managed to do that but the thought was there.

NM

Slambunk

Urrgh. I've been in a terrible funk today. I put on 2.5 lbs at weight watchers, so I decided to eat loads of crap on my way home from work. Madness. Obviously this put me in an even worse mood. I didn't really even enjoy the food, I was just in a bad mood that I'd put on weight.

My weight loss/gain always seems to be a week behind. I have a good week and feel the benefit of it the following week. This didn't really figure in my thought process though when I was told I'd put on weight. I was wearing my thin trousers as well! Urrgh. It's still annoying me.
Obviously I need to put in more time at the gym. And eat less food. And have my stomach drained.

I heard recently that you need supplements these days as well, because nowadays vegetables and fish have less nutrients in them. Apparently a tomato is now basically just water because over the years we've sucked all the nutrients out of the ground, or something. Now obviously that's exactly the sort of half ars#d second hand bullsh#t that anyone with a brain can see is nonsense but the mood I was in made me vulnerable to it and as a consequence I've bought some stuff. I now have a bottle full of vitamins, some probiotic drinks and some fish oils and stuff. And some anti-oxidents. In my shopping spree I think my logic ran like this:

"I must have put on weight because I'm not getting the right nutrients, yes, that's it! Not my fault at all! I'll just eat all this pasta and friend chicken crap I've bought and then I'll start the diet again, but this time with my special pro-biotic drinks and stuff! I'm ace me. Oh no I'm not, ruined."

NM

Stuck in the rut.

Tescos is apparently an awful un-ethical company. I'm not really sure why that's the case but I saw some article about it once in a leftwing newspaper so I've taken it on board as an unquestionable fact. That's the great thing about left wing newspapers, they help you to cut through the propaganda and think for yourself.

Although I know nothing about it, I imagine they're just awful in the sense that any major successful capitalist company is. Given that they employ a lot of people they are therefore simultaneously going to annoy a lot of people. Lets be fair, Tesco's motive in employing someone will be to extract maximum value for a minimum expense. If you're at the wrong end of that equation it's only going to be a matter of time before it starts to p#ss you off. That's human nature. So, the more people you employ, the more you p#ss off. Also, the law of averages dictates that you're going to have to employ a certain number of c#nts. If there's one thing likely to do your company harm it's the fact it employs c#nts.

Even worse, c#nts tend to do really well in big companies. That's a fact, it's been proved by scientists. It's called the Maxwell syndrome.

Anyway, my girlfriend really dislikes Tescos and she doesn't shop there for "ethical reasons". Unfortunately I really can't remember what those "ethical reasons" are. I'm sure they can't be that important but in order to show my support, I make sure I express my disgust by always shopping there with a dissaproving scowl on my face.

Now, to the point, I remember when Tesco started doing those tills which are manned by a computer. I thought to myself at the time; "pah, they'll never catch on, people will always want a bit of human contact". Tutting away to myself I wandered over to be served by a human, turning my nose up in disgust. How silly of this "awful" multi-national company to think robots would ever be able to serve us our weekly shopping! "Profit before people, that's what's happened there," I thought, "those things will be dismantled by the end of the year".

Today I was queuing for my food, at one of those tills, with a load of people in front of me. "Tsk, there's loads of people in this queue," my mind mumbled. "Hang on, over there, there's a human with no one waiting to be served by her," noticed my brain. Off I went before anyone else noticed. Then it dawned on me; other people had noticed. They actually preferred not being served by another human.

"No, that can't be true," I thought. But it was. And, no one else followed from behind me in the queue for the computer afterwards. They all stood their, ignoring the woman who was sat idle at her 'till. The machines were winning. How awful! The worst part of it is though that it wasn't Tesco that was the baddy here, it was people.

The whole experience has really f#cked with my head and I'm honestly not quite sure what to make of it yet.

My only thought is that maybe everyone preferred the computer becuase it was easier to steal sh#t? I doubt it though.

NM

8 hours to de-frost? That's f#cking insane.

The Monday DogThis is a pub dog which my girlfriend Jodie took a picture of. I think it was called Bailey, just like The Piekos dog from last year. Notice how Bailey has some sort of drink on the go, looks like a cup of tea. I imagine if it is a cup of tea Bailey will have made it in the correct way, boiling hot water on the tea bag then milk in second to taste. I imagine that, like me, there's nothing that annoys Bailey more than tea where some f#cknut has put the milk in first. Stupid!

So, aside from the obvious stuff I've been working on at the moment, one of the little projects which took slightly longer than I imagined was finishing off the video I made of me doing my "hilarious" stand up set. Finally though, it's done. Me doing odd stand up comedy in a gong club in Manchester. I've decided to put it in with my normal YouTube account. It's not great but it's also clear that I'm new to doing it.

I've really found it useful to transcribe the words up into subtitles actually. It's shown me how I mutter and mumble a bit on stage, something which is obviously not a good idea. I think the next time I get up and do it I'll be a bit better as a performer. Thanks to everyone who posted comments here with suggestions on how to improve my material. The next step is to write a bit more and have another go.



Direct link.

NM

(Sunday) Neil Young is ace.

I now have the video of me doing my stand up comedy. I've just been f#cking about with it trying to add subtitles as the sound quality is pretty sh#t. You can hear the laughter clearly though. Or, in places, the lack of it. It's really interesting to watch it back. My criticisms would be that I'm too animated, I need to be a little firmer on stage. Also, I'm clearly nervous and my mic technique is awful. Really awful. Another thing, which I remember really well from the night, is the fact that I f#ck up a few of my lines. I mess up the opening gag and then two of the toppers later on.

On the positive side I though like the fact that despite dropping these big hairy b#llocks I manage to plough on with my stuff. I don't comment negatively on myself like I used to. At least not while still on stage. It's an interesting video. But it doesn't totally show me in the best light. It's "warts and all". That's the thing that's making me a little nervous now as I write. Should I really post up footage of me doing stand up comedy less than brilliantly? I half think it might be a bad idea to do that. I don't know of anyone else in my position who would. It seems slightly stupid.

If I do go ahead and post it up I'm giving anyone who wants to slag me off the chance to have all the fun they like. It seems a little silly to give people that opportunity. I'm not a great stand up comedian, I've never claimed to be. On the flip side I am a reasonably successful radio presenter and in some respects I've got a professional reputation which I could easily f#ck up.

Furthermore my YouTube account is starting to develop a bit of a life of its own. Why pump out substandard stuff to an audience who might misunderstand it?

What I'm thinking I might do is set up a different YouTube account for my comedy stuff and then post it only here, on my blog, for the people who read this. The hardcore. The little army of around 100 people who, I guess, aren't out to totally f#ck me up. That's what I think I'm going to do with it. Embed it here but, essentially hide it, on YouTube.

I hope it doesn't dissapoint when I finally post it up.

NM

(Saturday) Sattybaybee

I seem to get more loutish when I drink lager. My limit is around 3 pints, then it all starts to go wrong. Guzzling away in a pub in Manchester again this weekend I felt myself turning a bit more leary. Not good.

Fortunately for me though, my girlfriend was there and she wasn't drinking at all. Also, she was driving. This meant that we saved about £1 million pounds on taxi fayres and also that she was there to curb any nonsense before it started. Don't get me wrong, I didn't say or do anything silly but the potential was there towards the end of the night. What makes things worse is I was in a bar full of radio people, all of them loving it! So the potential for damage was amazing:

"Nick Margerrison, yeah, he's the idiot who started singing The Twist in that bar in Manchester isn't he?".

What I don't understand is this; is it possible that different drinks deliver different results? I would have thought not, in that they're all using the same active ingredient; alcohol. However on the flip side, they seem to have different consequences. Lager = loutish. Guinness = chatty and then sleepy. Baileys = sleepy and slobby. Cider = mad as a f#cknut. Vodka = acerbic. Jack Daniels = tired.

I've never been very good at drinking. One of the worst things about it, for me, is that I often wake up with no memory whatsoever as regards the previous day. That's not too much fun. Particularly when you couple it with the inevitable feeling of intense remorse I always get after a night of drinking. Real awful f#cking feelings of remorse. Nasty.

Then, on top of that, a lot of alcohol makes me sleepy. I remember once waking up in a hotel toilet with no idea how I got there. I was staying in the hotel over the road and had obviously got lost along the way. Couple that with a total lack of memory and you've got quite a shocker. When I woke up I didn't know where I was, or why. Not good at all.

NM

(Friday) Crunchie, thanks.

The strange world of YouTube is drawing me in. More so than myspace which still seems to be aimed at people who have no idea about the internet and/or creativity.

My videos seem to notch up views pretty sharpish, although that is of course helped by links from this blog. I'm guessing from my stats here that about one quarter of the people who read this are prepared to follow the links through to watch videos directly off the YouTube site.

Interestingly readership here has also recently increased quite a bit, I think because of the re-direct from YouTube but it's hard to tell. If you're a new reader to this blog; hello! Feel free to use the comments section at the bottom of this post. Recently comments have started to increase a bit. That's a good thing, I think.

What's odd about releasing something into the world of YouTube is that it starts to take on a life of its own. Furthermore, while these clips are going out and about, meeting people and talking to them, I'm sat here slowly evolving my own opinion of them. Here's the story of all the clips I've posted on YouTube, in order of their popularity, as well as my current opinion on them.

The Glastonbury clip, 774 views.

This clip has had the most viewings because it is obviously a popular search term. Also, it's interesting for people who have never been to Glastonbury and it was the first thing I ever posted on YouTube so has had more time to gather viewings. Despite its "popularity" it has never been favourited or rated.

The Speeding Clip from The Phone in, 535 views.


This clip benefitted from a plug on the website Digitalspy.co.uk which I sometimes frequent. Of all the phone in show ones I've done this one now seems quite tame. That said, I'm happy that it's also the one which has been the most watched, it's a good clip with a good caller. It'd serve as a nice introduction to the show I used to do.

Gandhi: "An eye for an eye...", 403 views.


This video almost went viral in Poland. Seriously! It's a classic example of what I'm talking about when I say that they start to take on a life of their own. It was linked to by someone from this forum in Poland. Using a translation programme off the internet I've sussed out that the initial post is something like: "Eye for eye makes world blind. Look at this video. Goofiness, But completely amusing." I think the other posters approve of my work.

Furthermore this video has been linked to by a few myspace sites. This has also boosted its views. As did me promoting it quite heavily as "my favourite video" via this blog for a bit.

It's had some nice comments on it and has even been favourited once. It has a rating of 3 stars after four people took the time out to rate it. Of all the videos I've done I think this one is the most "me" of them all.

Lets twist again, 326 views.


This is one of the stupid videos I made when I was b#ggering about with stuff I sing in the shower. It contains search terms which have boosted its hitrate and has also become a common site for people using something called "YouTube Spider". Mainly people in Turkey I think. Madness.

My mate Phil Tarry has called it awesome and it's got 3 stars out of two votes. I'm guessing one was 0 stars and one was 5.

Nick Margerrison storms out, 301 views.

What a great caller this guy is! This is one of the more extreme calls from my Hallam FM phone in shows. I like the fact that despite my animated delivery I'm putting together a solid argument which I'd still standby today. Page 3 should be banned. That's the reality of the situation. It's it the wrong place, put it on the top shelf or the internet and be done with it. Don't put it in a newspaper.

Some nice comments there and a solid 5 star rating. Favourited 3 times. Can't be bad.

Britney Spears sucking... 300 views.

Now as far as search terms go, that surely has to be one of the best titles in the world? Still it's only done 300 views. Ruined. I feel a little cheated. That said, it's not a great video is it? Some misheard lyrics. Deserves its lowly 3 star rating. Some kid has put it on their myspace as well. Never know, maybe it'll go viral. Doubt it.

Ricky Gervais's Fame Tour, 226 views.

I've got some of his material on my phone as well but it seems a little unfair to go posting it up and therefore ruining the forthcoming DVD. It's sat on my computer now. The sound quality is sh#t and the picture is awful. That was a good show though.


What happens when you die, 200 views.


Hmm, I'm not sure I like this video anymore. It seems like what it is; stupid 6th form preaching. I wrote the sketch itself as a 6th form kid musing about how horrible the world was. It now seems a little naive and, well, w#nk. That said one person was nice enough to favourite it and it's got 5 stars so perhaps I'm just taking it all a bit too seriously.

The Amazing Shrinking Man, 152 views.

Why hasn't this had more views? I don't understand. I think of this as my mainstream video, the one that everyone should love as soon as they see it. Instead it sits in the shadow of less commercial fayre like The Gandhi clip. I don't get it! This should be the most popular of the lot yet it sits right down here alongside all the stuff like clips of my blender as so on. If you've read this entry as far as here you'll have a moral duty to go out and promote this clip. It's ace. Send the link to your friends. Dansufc loves it! He's put a nice comment. It's got 5 stars. What the f#ck is wrong with people? Why hasn't everyone seen this one?

My ace blender, 115 views.

Good audio, sh#t video, nice blender.

Today's News, 103 views.

Chris Morris rip off. I thought it wasn't when I made it but it really is. The only good bit is the scally bloke who is a correspondant. I'm thinking about deleting it.

Nick tries to talk to ants, 98 views.


The routine I go into here started out as a piece I was working on for my stand up, as did the Gandhi thing. The fact that I was actually going to try and tell this story as a stand up piece totally blows my f#cking mind now. Forget simply being booed offstage, I'd have got lynched. It's a radio piece through and through. You can't use it anywhere else. I just didn't understand that back then.

What particularly amuses me about this video is that one of the women at the garage I go to near work once said she'd laughed like mad at this bit when she heard it. Without wishing to stereotype I'd always thought of it as a bit of an odd surreal set piece and couldn't have been more chuffed that a working mother of two had dug it. It still gives me a buzz to think of that. She's a lovely woman. Perhaps she was laughing 'coz she thought it was sh#t?

Scary laughing bloke, 88 views.

Me and James Piekos saw him and videoed him in Bridlington.

Fire to ice, 66 views.

This had to be re-loaded coz the file got corrupted. As a result its had hardly any hits and the comment that Claire left on it is missing. "Nearly genius" was the comment. What a great comment! I'm gutted I had to re-load the thing. It's a lost classic this one, even if I do say so myself. It has its roots in some old stand up I was looking at writing. It then moved on to being a podcast idea me and James Piekos were working on that ultimately got put to one side.

Most festive taxi driver of Manchester, 57 views.

Pretty straightforward video of a nice taxi driver dressed as Santa.


Nick Margerrison's meaning of life, 56 views.


This one is climbing the charts quite rapidly. It's had five votes and has a solid 5 star rating. Lovely stuff. It's yet to be favourited by anyone though. I think it's one of the best samples of the show I've put up yet. Still, there we are. The visuals are a bit sh#t. Until it kicks off at the end. I like Pob.

The Big Ears riff, 56 views.

I love this video but I can't see why anyone else would.

The Amazing Flaming Man, 50 views.

Half ars#d version of "the shrinking man". I'm thinking of doing an improved version of this when I get some spare time. A digitally enhanced version. Improve it and make it better, not worse, than its predecessor.

Feed Tha Buyrds, 40 views.

Stupid.

NM

Things not happening and things...

Today I popped to the Lescar to see my mate Toby Foster. He was telling me about his trip to Afganistan;

"Fo#kin' 'ell mate, suicide bombers; one bloke tried to blow us up with a rocket launcher! Carnage! So I decided to leave Barnsley and go to Afganistan..."

Toby is a first class talker and he's got a natural easy wit. It was good to see him, all in one piece. I can't imagine what it would be like over in the most dangerous warzone in the world. I still don't understand why he agreed to go, I'd never go somewhere like that. Horrible, scary, madness.

Talking of madness I've put up a new YouTube video. Please rate it 5 stars, if you're a YouTube member, and put nice things in the comments bit. On average my YouTube videos get just under 100 views a week now. That's not bad going for a small scale TV channel which is based in my bedroom.

Here's the video:



Direct link.

I particularly like this video as it shows me putting forward my "life philosophy".

NM

Feel the buurn (Wednesday)

Violent trauma and stressful events often confirm whatever opinions people had in the first place. Most people after the terror attacks of 7/7 believed whatever it was they already believed afterwards, just more strongly. The ID brigade crowed louder, the loony tunes shouted the same phrases over the top and as usual the cow jumped over the moon. Violence rarely changes the mind it simply fuels the heart.

I watched a programme on telly with my flatmate last night/early morning called Kill It, Cook It, Eat It. Blo#dy h#ll! That was hard to the core. They took some lambs out of a field wandered into the slaughterhouse with them, killed them all with stun guns, hooked them up, ripped their skin off and then started cutting them up. Just like that. Next thing you know they're eating the stuff. Insane!

I've always said that I'd be a veggie if I had to kill the animals myself. After watching that I'm less sure. Initially it really f#cked me up but now I've got a bit more perspective on it I think it has oddly given me a more rounded perspective on life. We are hunters and carnivores. If those creatures were on our menu but not in captivity we'd be running after them with dogs and ripping them apart. That's even less humane. I was a meat eater before I saw the programme and I still am, only now I feel strangely more passionate about it.

I'm still not sure I could stick a pig, kill a cow, or shoot a lamb, personally but I'm more comfortable with myself about eating them now. I wonder if that will be the same for the people who saw the animals being killed live? That's actually a question I should be able to answer as oddly enough one of my girlfriend's work mates was actually in the show as a member of the public who watched the slaughter. I'm looking forward to drilling her about it at some point.

NM

Well that's actually quite exciting if it works out (Tuesday)

I can't resist it. I've started ringing up radio talk shows again. I just can't help myself. I used to do it all the time when I was actually presenting a phone in show myself on Hallam FM. Now I'm hooked on it again. I can't stop myself. I've rang in about all sorts of different subjects.

There's a sort of trick to putting in a good call I think. It's not a trick I can easily explain here but I'm trying to practice it at the moment. I've also been dropping silly little hints to anyone who might be listening and might have heard my old show. That's probably a total of 0 people but still, the hints are fun to drop. One of them is dropping "Nick Wins" into the conversation another is when I make a point of telling the presenter that "I used to do a job like this" and I'm always called "Nick from Sheffield". Well, usually called Nick from Sheffield. Actually that's not a hint is it? Ruined.

When you do a phone in show you're going out to two different audiences; one of them is the listeners and the other is the callers. No matter what you do you will never get a listener to call you, so forget it. It can't happen with some people, they'd rather eat their own head than call a radio station. Your only hope on a phone in show is to hit the buttons of the callers without boring the listeners. Obviously, if you want to make a living, it's the listeners who are the most important. Without them you're out of a job BUT without callers you've got no show. I've always thought one of the reasons I was quite good at doing a phone in is because I genuinely understand the thought process of a caller.

Anyway, keep an ear out for me. It'd be around the very small hours and I'd (probably) be called Nick from Sheffield.

NM

Thor the Thunder God ate a big pie (Monday)

Monday's Dog, a picture I took in Manchester while I was wandering with my girlfriend. I think this is a Jack Russell Terrier, if it is then it has a "GUARD DOG SKILL 5" according to my Dog Top Trumps cards. That's not putting it off its sense of duty though, look it's guarding the gate. If I were to try and break into that house that little dog there would f#ck me up like a mental! Good job I've learned to respect our K-9 counterparts.

I did my stand up comedy at The Frog And Bucket, on "Beat The Frog" night. It's a gong show where, if people get bored, you get removed from the stage. They do this by giving three people cards which they hold up once they've had enough.

Toby Hadoke was the compare. The last time I saw him he was doing his Doctor Who show bit on Robin Ince's book club up in Edingburgh. It was brilliant. He was a good compare for the night but, in my opinion, a better comedian than he is compare. The last time I was here Dan Nightingale totally blew me away with his compare skills. Like that night, this one was "wacky" in itself as various different acts did what they approximated to be "comedy" on the stage. One bloke kicked off at the audience in a full on rant which didn't seem like it was ever going to stop, until he got carded off. Another bloke had the following line in his set; "urrgh, terrorism, that's changed now hasn't it? I remember the days when Muslims weren't evil! Um... Err...". There was an awful silence and then a sharp intake of breath on that 'joke'.

All the while I was sat in the wings, gearing up.

We got the cameras rolling*.

On I went.

NM

*I've not seen it yet but we've got a video of it. Soon as I have it on my computer I will upload it. You can then see how I got on and find out if I managed to "Beat The Frog" or not.

There's not enough agressive lorry drivers on the motorway these days.

I was at a party this weekend and I got into one of those brilliant (but very rare) conversations you get into at parties where there's wine and booze. It ended up with me reading out a quote to my two conversationalists from my phone;

"The earth is a giant foetus which is gradually becoming one consciousness. Its gestation period was around 4.5 million years. Now the internet spreads out over the earth creating the brain of this huge organism. One half of the planets electricity is generated for use by computers which are connected to it. In 2012 once the apocalypse is complete it inevitably becomes self aware."

Now, this is not all my own work. It's an approximation of the ideas of Terrence McKenna and various other fringe philosophers. If you're into the idea go and look at the podcasts you can get from The Psychedelic Salon which are in my sidebar. It was great though, to talk to people about these ideas and find others who are interested and who don't just shrug and pull a face that says "f#cking moron".

I'm exactly the sort of person that often happens to a lot. I find I have to put out a few feelers first to see if people are prepared to talk about the more esoteric side of life. It's not unusual for me to be the only person interested in what I have to say; "yeah, so maybe like, we're all from the future, lying there watching our lives before we die, eh lads? Lads? Doh.".

Maybe that's what will happen tomorrow. I'll be the only person talking in the room as everyone else just ignores me and makes their own fun. No. Positive attitude. I'm going to Beat That Frog. I am going to Beat That F#cking Frog!*

NM

*Beat The Frog. It's one of the North Of England's toughest comedy Gong shows. If you're sh#t you get booed off the stage. If you manage to last 5 minutes you have Beat The Frog and get a round of applause.

Donald Duck her in her ear hole (saturday)

Adolf Hitler was the first person to introduce a public smoking ban.

I was in Cafe Rouge today. There was an ashtray on the table so, once we'd finished our meal, some of the people I was with sparked up*. Now I've never minded people smoking, it's not a problem. Even if you're eating I can't see the problem. Maybe that's because my mother smoked all the way through my childhood. Maybe it's because I used to be a smoker. Or, maybe it's because I'm just a more tolerant and all round better person than everybody else. Actually, partly, it's because The Nazi's were the first people to introduce anti-smoking laws and in light of their political position I can see why that was.

Left wing, right wing, goodies, baddies, black and white.


There are two categories into which you can fit most political ideology as far as I'm concerned. However I'm loathe to use the heavily loaded phraseology of "left wing" and "right wing" which we were fed at school. I don't see as how those terms are of any use in a sensible political discussion. They're terms designed for terminally thick people who want to know which team to support.

Political debate for me is a lot simpler. There's two different types of people, those who want to tell everyone what to do and those who don't. That's it. You fit somewhere in between the extremes of those two perspectives. Adolf Hitler and fascism is about controlling people, who they are and what they do. So is socialism. And communism. And Islamism. And pretty much any "ism" you can think of.

If you subscribe to an "ism" I suggest you wipe that muck out of your eyes, off your face and drop the hanky you did it with into the bin. Then think about who is telling you what to do and why.

The origin of left and right?

I've been told that the phrase left wing and right wing comes from the old style parliament where on the left side you'd have the party who opposed the King, the industrialists and traders. And then on the right you'd have those that supported him, the nobility and so forth. That way in the event of an actual fight the King's sword arm, his right, would be free to attack with the support of those on that side of the house while his shield could automatically be ready on his left hand side to defend himself.

It was in some politics lecture or something that I learned that.

If it's true then the left-right paradigm was originally based upon the ideas I'm putting forward earlier on in this post and at some point it's been subverted. Left would be those who looked for the King to have less power and right would be for those who wanted more.

Still in Cafe Rouge... the Nazis were also "civilised" on the surface.

It was amazing to sense the tension in the whole Cafe as people's backs started to arch up and collectively the room realised there was something wrong. One of the sheep was causing a mess, how would the rest of the flock react? I'm not joking when I say I felt as though, literally the whole room, was livid that someone had dared to smoke in their presence. But they weren't livid in the same way you might be if someone did you a genuine wrong; like you might attack a bloke running out of your house with one of your kids in a cloth sack. No, they were not livid from the heart. They were "livid" because they'd been told to be by the powers that be. The media debates which they'd indignantly listened to on the radio and TV were the cause of their timid rage. The whispering and the looks were a consequence of powerful mind control carried out by primary definers** via the mainstream media.

Surely there's a danger to their lives though?

The dangers of passive smoking has never been proven. Sorry if that upsets you but it's a fact. They've never proven it. There's a report which came out in America some time ago which implied a link between the health risks which are associated with smoking and simple passive smoking but it was never proven. Even the most ardent defender of the dangers of passive smoking will be forced to admit that the risks they're proposing must be, by simple deduction, even smaller than those which would come with say, actually smoking a fag yourself. Now the risks of that causing problems are small. Imagine how much smaller any proven link for passive smoking must be.

If you think I'm talking out of my ars#hole look at this study by the British Medical Journal.

Life isn't played out in black and white. There's no goodies and baddies and I don't know about you but I personally ain't got no wings.

Lovely bit of tension rising...

The table next to us, their faces like thunder, were chatting to each other and they hastily called over a member of staff, who went to get the manager, who apologetically explained it was a non-smoking establishment. The ashtray was there in error. How odd.

It was amazing to see the unashamedly self satisfied and smug looks on the faces of the people sat on the table next to us. They were truly loving it. I couldn't believe it. Weren't they at least a bit embarrassed for themselves? I imagine they'd be thinking the same thing about our table.

I obviously didn't mention it to the people with me until we left, I didn't want to cause a scene either.

Ban farting in public!

I enjoyed the odd feeling of middle class disgust and tension in the Cafe Rouge though and wondered to myself why people were getting so het up. The emotion of self preservation couldn't be fueling it, no one really thinks death is on the door when they inhale a bit of passive smoke. The emotion they must be connecting with must be nasal discomfort mainly, followed by other minor physical discomforts and inconveniences. To that end I don't understand why they shouldn't go ahead and ban the following people from public places:

Smelly people.
Fat people.
People who fart a lot.
People who are old.
Poor people.

What would be wrong with that? They're all minor discomforts. I'm serious when I say that the above will be next.

What is a VIP room if not a bar which is aspiring to move in that direction? What is our society's obsession in popular culture with the concept of "The VIP room" if not us slowly moving generation by generation towards an acceptance of such a concept? The slave state beckons us at every turn.

Do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.


Beware of the alpha males, the boorish oafs, the fat-headed fools, the nosy old busybodies, the ones who are always right and the organ grinder's monkey. If you see a smoker judge not, lest ye be judged and remember that criticism will always tell us more about the critic than the criticised. Live your own life well and let others do the same. Free Nelson Mandella and Down With Thatcher. Support The Miners. Yak yak.

NM

*I don't smoke anymore. Bad for you. F#cking kill you them things will.

**"Primary definers" are people who have access to, and hold sway over, the news agenda. Ever wondered why newspapers all seem to carry the same stories? That's as a direct consequence of these guys.

Skull duck you into next week

I worked out recently that, in thoery, you can have tandori chicken as part of the "Core" weight watchers diet. So long as you don't have all the sauce and stuff with it. Obviously, in theory, that's a good idea. However, after a few bottles of beer and so forth it starts to go wrong when you RING THE KING*, half p#ssed and get what I can only describe as luminous orange chicken bits delivered to you. All the, "oh, I won't have any of the sauce", nonsense goes out of the window replaced by the logic that "I've paid for the b#stard, why can't I eat it all?". It tasted very nice but it was so orange it practically glowed in the dark.

That was on Thursday night, I woke today with bright orange hands. Honestly, my finger tips particularly were amazing. It took me about six washes to get them looking normal.

"Oh, that's clogging up your insides now," chimed in my sister who is up to visit at the moment. She's right of course but her being my little sister I could dismiss it and pretend that actually in some way she was wrong.

Hey, I'm a rock and roll legend who takes everything as far as it can go and beyond. My insides can put up with a bit of cancer inducing luminous radioactive colouring once in a while. Listen up kid, life has a 100% fatality rate, yeah! So. Screw them all with this capitalist bullsh#t and lets paartay! And stuff.

Am I going to have orange poo?

NM

*Going to let you guess which one we ordered from. I think they're a great take away place. Despite my orange fingers.

(Thursday) The Artless Collection.

I was in the pub today with Big John, Matt Mackay, Michelle and Dave Henning. I had a pint of Guinness and a chicken wrap. Afterwards my throat felt really sort of, I can't think of a better word, "snotty". Like when you're a kid and you cry. It was horrible. I couldn't finish my pint. I kept having to swallow and clear the back of my throat.

I've noticed an increase in blog readership recently. I imagine that will be because word is going round that I'm soon to be leaving the Hallam FM late show. It's taking all my willpower not to reply to the thread that's come up on one of the radio gossip sites: HERE. It's best that I keep my mouth shut until everyone else knows what's what.

What is particularly exciting is that the votes are in and I've decided to do the "Knock Knock Joke" in Manchester on Monday. It's the joke I actually got booed off stage for in Sheffield and I couldn't be more excited about the fact I'm going to do it again. Thanks to the five or so people who voted.

My flatmate said to me that the reason people have voted for "The Knock Knock Joke" is because they want to see me f#ck it up after I've promised to post the end results on here via my You Tube account. That said, Michelle from Big John at breakfast found "The Knock Knock Joke" really funny. As did my mate Gordon Loncaster. Anyway, it's sorted now, that's what I'm going to do.

The only other bit is my next joke which some people think I should shorten:

It's like my old grandad used to say

Always keep your ear to the ground

Always keep your nose to the grindstone

And never take your eye off the ball

He's dead now

Car crash

I imagine if he were alive today he's say

Always keep your eye on the road

Ears on the side of your head

And DO NOT, for f#ck's sake, involve a grindstone.

Both Matt and Dave think I should cut it at car crash. I like the idea of him driving a car with his nose to a grindstone. I'm not sure what to do. Answers in the comments section if you've got any thoughts.

NM

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