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thecultofnick

Miss that... and you scoop out the brains of the day

I have exciting news to announce! Constantcomedy.com has launched. It's a bit like Youtube.com and even more like Funnyordie.com but unlike those two sites it's very much in its infancy. It's also run by the enthusiastic American bloke, Jett Loe, who's work I've been digging recently. Furthermore it'll soon be featuring an exclusive "bit" which we filmed in Birmingham a bit back. It's my infamous Modern Art Sh#te which I blogged about a bit back. I even got as far as performing it a bit in a few stand up clubs but frankly it was too weird and geeky. I wonder how it will fare on the interwebnets?

My current favourite contributors are these two:



...and these two:



See what you think.

NM

(Sunday) blooms forth the hangover.

So, Transformers is amazing. I read a review recently telling me it was sh#t but the fact I'd watched it and decided it wasn't stopped me from agreeing with it. I also read a review in the same paper by the same bloke telling me that The Simpsons film was a pile of t#rd as well. It wasn't. It's ace. I saw it today with my lady friend. I therefore give his reviews 1star out of five. The one star is only there for spelling and punctuation, I couldn't pick fault in that. It's the actual content of the review which ruined things. I'm only annoyed at myself for instantly forgetting which paper it was and what the bloke's name was who wrote it. This means that, ironically, my review of his review must now recieve an equally low score. F#cking n#tsacks. I've managed to outwit myself into the crevices of my own an#s. That is dissapointing.

Still, the initial point still stands. Both Transformers and The Simpsons are excellent.

In other news The Bay Allstars today battled it out with Hollyoaks in a titanic clash of local celebrities and national television stars. For the celebrity packed exclusive pictures click here. Although I love both football and celebrities unfortunately I couldn't make it along. Ruined. Maybe next time.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, one of my favourite things about The Bay is Andy Lawson's hair. Go and look at the pictures just to get an idea what I'm talking about. Purple dreadlocks. Fantastic.

NM

And then the light trickle of something like success starts to bloom.

W#nkered on a bottle of wine, slumped in front of the telly, watching Kylie Minogue's DVD of her greatest hits. Holy f#ckballs I love Kylie. Go here and see the number of posts I've written about her over the years. I don't love her like you think though. It's not that I want sexy time with her. It's that I believe she is the manifestation of a Goddess on this planet, the Goddess Eris to be specific.

Ha ha ha. What a funny joke. I'm obviously joking. Ha ha ha. Aren't I funny with my funny joke*?

Here's a video which always makes me cry when I watch it. It encapsulates the moment when liking Kylie was no longer something to be embarrassed about:



It's the moment when she stood up and was proud of the fact that she did pop music with a twist. Awesome.

I f#ckin' love Kylie.

Look at this here... she's doing "Put Yourself in My Place" live:



She's brilliant. She pretends to be a normal human but it's obvious she's not.

Oh dear. I'm a little tiddly. But seriously though. Kylie isn't a normal human like you or I. Think I'm f#cking about? No. No I am not.

Watch this clip:



Ha ha! What's that if not proof? "She's not a person...", no, she's not, she's a goddess.

Nick Wins.

NM

*I'm not joking. She is a Goddess. It's obvious.

(FRIDAY) A little bird flies in through the window and flaps about. Its mother watches outside, helpless. Eventually it escapes back to the garden.

My mate Anthony Gay was live on air on Rock FM today. It was amusing to listen to him because years ago he was my boss at Hallam FM. I enjoyed what I heard. Had a quick chat with him afterwards and he seemed in good spirits. He's been mentioned in this blog before: here.

I've signed up to a website extension on the BBC called Celebdaq. It's based on the stock market but instead of buying shares in companies you purchase them in celebrities and the amount of press coverage they're going to be getting. It sounds w#nk but I've played it before and actually it's good fun. I'm tempted to buy some shares in Kate Ford given my almost tabloid worthy past with her*. In fact I think I should, just out of loyalty to the fact that I once sort of half knew her, for a few days. But she's not in the papers too much these days and it'd be a waste of my fictional money.

It'd be like buying shares in me.

Actually, that would f#cking rock. If you could buy shares in anyone. I'd buy some in that odd bloke who lives down the road. He'll be in the papers sooner or later, you mark my words. He's a dodgy c#nt that one.

NM

*Well, not quite. I made a d#ck of myself infront of her before she was famous.

Talked to Kerr, who I liked. Got to talk to talk and then tomorrow they rang. Will know by Mun.

Andy Lawson, the bloke who does The Bay's drive time show, has amazing hair. It's long and purple. Brilliant. I remember the mixture of confusion, anger, jealousy and pride I felt when my mate Gareth had a moheikan hairstyle at school. It totally f#cked my mind at the time. Like I say, initially I was really confused. Then I was annoyed at him. I couldn't understand why I was annoyed at him, partly because I was still profoundly confused. Then as the confusion cleared I realised the irritation was caused by jealousy. I knew I'd never have the balls to make a big statement like that. I sort of wanted to but it's not in me. The most I could do was grow my hair long and pretend that was a bit freaky and cool. It wasn't. I was playing at it, my mate Gareth had been and gone and proved it. It was around then that the pride started to bloom. MY mate Gareth. Yeah, so there. That bloke, yeah, he's one of my mates.

Poor Gareth however was, I think, given stern words* at school. How dare he cut his hair differently? It's insane when you think about it. It's HIS hair. Who gives a flying f#ckball how he wants to wear it? Ridiculous.

I guess the teachers were playing out the role as they saw fit.

Actually, that leads me on to a bit of a rant. Years ago I remember watching a TV show called 'Teachers'. It was, as I remembered, a harmless and occasionally amusing sit-com / soap about some Teachers who taught in a secondary school. They were all young wacky f#ckers who got up to japes. I liked it. Watched it again recently and it turns out it was a piece of sh#t. Hasn't aged well at all. Not at all.

It's the best example I can think of where a comedy has aged really f#cking badly. Can you top it? Whack an answer in the comments section.

NM

*Possibly more, I can't remember.

And the day dream is nice because I rest a while but then get vexed about nothing.

Oh dear. It's not a good sign that I'm shitting myself about the fact that I'm doing a gig where my name appears in the local listings is it? Click here.

When I realised that my name was on the actual thing, at a real comedy club, where there's no gong to save me, I felt a little bit of wee in my tinkle. But it wasn't the sort of wee where you actually need to go. It was nervous wee. Then I felt a bit of wobble in my tummy. Then I thought, "better practice my act a bit then". Even though I'll only be doing five minutes it's still nerve wracking. I've done a few gigs here and there without the safety of the gong* and they're sort of fun but I miss the judging element. I like a good old fashioned "you were sh#t" (... or not) to take away from the experience. Without the gong, unless you really die on your a#se there's a sort of vague, "huh, that wasn't too bad" vibe which frankly means f#ck all.

I think I'll tape this one as well and bang it on my podcast, Homemade Nonsense volume 3. I'm pleased to announce that Homemade Nonsense volume 2 has had double the amount of downloads that the first one had. I'm dissapointed to announce that it's provoked half the number of emails that the first one did. Ruined. My fear is that people have downloaded it, listened and then been so bored by it that they can't be ars#d to email me. I hope not.

Anyways, the next one will be jam packed with me trying to do stand up so it'll be jolly good.

NM

*Largely I do gong shows. You go up you do your act and three random memebers of the audience hold cards. If you're sh#t they hold them up and you're gonged offstage. Sounds harsh but I really like 'em.

I met a couple of alpha males this morning. Not impressed.

I missed my interview slot with Paul Potts today! Gutted. I was under the impression that it was scheduled for Thursday. Tony "Cookie" Cookson did it instead. Ruined. Paul Potts was the winner of "Britain's Got Talent". He's a fat bloke who sings opera. I was looking forward to talking to him.

My "What Happens When You Die" video continues to gather 'fans'. It has a life of its own now. People are even submitting replies to it. Some gospel preaching group who are posting under the title of "Amazing Facts". As a consequence I've ended up watching the following b#llocks:



It's a really well made piece and makes for a good story. I love that the narrator is on board what looks like The Starship Enterprise as he reveals his interpretation of The Bible. The guy's clearly some sort of f#cking legend.

Gutted I missed that interview today. Feel really f#ckwitted as a consequence. I was totally convinced it was on Thursday, I even put a note in my phone to tell me. Ruined.

NM

Pull a nail out and spend a day in agony.

I did my stand up comedy, the gig will be documented on my next podcast. I'm therefore going to refrain from writing about it too much here. It was unlike any of my previous performances, even though I did use mostly the same material as usual.

I'm still recovering from the shock of seeing some odd TV programme my girlfriend put on when we came back from the gig. It was about twins who were having plastic surgery to look like Brad Pitt. To say it was brutal is an understatement. It showed these two geeky looking blokes get their faces broken up and then you had to watch them being all pleased when the swelling had died down.

The programme was designed to be one of those uplifting, 'going on a journey', style things but frankly I was unconvinced. They gave them a haircut and a full makeover before doing the "before and after" charade. If I'd been them I'd have skipped the surgery and gone straight to the haircut and makeover.

I kept getting flashbacks to it all day today. These poor blokes with lumpy beaten faces caused by profound human sadness. It always makes me twitch when I'm confronted with the evidence of the surgeon's knife. False breasts are the most obvious example. Awful. Why do that to yourself? Doubly so when you consider that there's a chance it might not even work out. I'll never understand it.

Yuk.

Yuk.

Yuk.

NM

PS - Podcast fans:

My insert on the fantastic 'Letter To America' podcast is now up here. I'm only on for like 10 seconds or so I think but nontheless it's sure to be a fantastic show as usual. Not heard it yet. And of course, you can still download episode 2 of, Homemade Nonsense, if you've not yet done so, over here.

feel like I'm pulling funny faces in the dark

I was struck today by the front cover of one of those colour supplements that they squeeze into your paper on a Sunday. I think it was one inside The Independent but after searching a little on the Internet it looks like it might have been from yesterday's Guardian. The feature which caught my eye was on what appeared to be the front cover, it was a big wrap around thing saying "Are record labels crushing real music?".

"How droll," my mind sighed as I pulled open the magazine "these feature writers really need more imagination". Then, as I revealed the actual cover underneath, I realised I'd been tricked and felt a bit stupid. "How odd," my mind tugged when I realised I'd been made a fool by a fake front cover with: "THIS IS AN ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE" written on it.

Me and the advert therefore started off on bad terms and my brian started choking out things like; "what sort of an advert is this?". It wasn't really advertising anything, just calling for a debate (which has of course already been had a million times) on the internet. It was branded "Volvo". There were two opposing viewpoints being expressed on the cover; one twerp was banging on about one side of the story and some other pillock was putting forward the other. Then the bit of the page which has inspired me to write this entry caught my eye, it said something like: "THESE OPINIONS ARE THOSE OF TWERP AND PILLOCK, NOT THOSE OF VOLVO".

I couldn't help but laugh. It reminded me of the current set which Stewart Lee is touring where he pokes fun at equally laughable attempts by big business to engage with debate. Previously I would have found such disclaimers depressing. This is of course proof that Stewart Lee is brilliant and that I was right all those years ago.

"THESE OPINIONS ARE THOSE OF TWERP AND PILLOCK, NOT THOSE OF VOLVO"

I wonder what exactly the opinions of Volvo are on this 'vital and exciting debate'*? Does the fact no one really gives a f#ck what Volvo thinks about music industry politics make the disclaimer better or worse? I'd argue the latter.

I couldn't help but imagine some middle management chump getting all het up at the idea that people may be put off "brand Volvo" were it to have an opinion for or against record labels. Their market research couldn't give them a position to take so they'd had to make it absolutely clear that they were firmly sat on the fence.

"Speak out" - urged the advert. And yet, contrary to their own advice, there was this big fat sweaty bulbous company suddenly going all diddums on us. How disappointing.

"True communication is only possible between equals"** and that's why so many adverts fail. I wonder how successful this campaign will be?

I also read a very interesting article in one of the papers which was about the contempt which most people in the media reserve for their audiences. I couldn't have agreed with the article more. It has always disturbed me that lots of media people consider themselves in some way above those who they serve. The article in question was about the BBC but it could quite easily have been about the commercial sector. It's for this reason that I'm excited about tomorrow. I'm off on a big bus with 68 listeners from The Bay to a family fun day at The Sandcastle in Blackpool. That is going to be fun.

I just hope some marketing d#ckweed reads this blog after doing a websearch for Volvo. I've got money, I'd like to buy a new car, I'm not interested in buying something off a c#nt.

NM

*'Vital and exciting debate': I can without any justification other than my own cynicism picture some jumped up pr#ck using these words in a presentation as part of the pitch for this campaign. 'All the idiots can then debate and do whatever it is they do while signing up for a test drive' I picture one of them saying while another sits and fumes in the corner because his idea about debating the Iraq war has been so mercilessly laughed down.

**The Principa Discordia.

(SAT:TIT ERROR 10*1

I'm excited by the fact that my latest podcast appears to have more listeners than the last one. That's good because it's actually a bit better than the last one. If a little more surreal. So far Shaun left me the following comment: "Madness. love it :D". That's internet speak for a smile that last bit. It's a proper toothy smile as well. Excellent.

I'm going to start recording the next one now, I'm going to focus it on my forthcoming stand up gig in Manchester on Monday night. I'm getting nervous about this one but I've not managed to practice for it, I've been busy either on air or socialising. That last one doesn't seem like a very solid reason not to practice in the cold light of day but at the time it seemed pretty important.

What I intend to do is use this therefore as an opportunity to relax a bit onstage and take it easy. Often I think my stand up is too rigid. I do know my material I know how it should be performed, I'll just get up and do it. It'll be easy. It won't be easy.

I won't even be able to practice on Monday as I will be going on a coach with a load of listeners to The Sandcastle Waterpark in Blackpool. Awesome. It'll be a wacky occasion, no doubt about that.

I'm nervous.

B#llbags.

NM

Next week will be interesting then...

Holy f#ckballs. I'm exhausted. I've been doing the drive show all week and I really am f#cked. Five hour shows at The Bay, plus web admin work and so forth, it's almost like a 'real job'! Today we gave away Harry Potter books to people who've been sending in spells via the website. I ended up being the judge by default and I felt awful doing it. They were all written by kids and we had loads of them. I wanted to just let them all win. But of course that wouldn't have worked so I picked out three and then they came in and collected their prize.

I've never gotten into Harry Potter. I think the main reason for that is, it's a kid's book. Sorry if that comes as a surprise. I find kids stuff boring. That's because I'm an adult. If you like kids stuff and you're an adult it's because you're stupid. Newsflash.

Hey, guess what, that new Transformers film is out!! Brilliant*. I can't bl#ody wait to see it. Here's a trailer:



It looks amazing**!

NM

*Ha ha. Aren't I funny? Did you see that? I said something, I led you off down a particular path and then, wammo, I shocked you by going against all that I'd put forward. I tricked you. And you fell for it. I win.

**More tricks. Look at the trailer more closely you fools. I'm ace me. Oh no I'm not, ruined.

(Thursday) Blow your chills out into this book case.

Firstly, a quick word about the podcast. It's slowly growing to the same size as this blog! Thanks, if you're one of the people who have subscribed to it. Don't forget my email address is www.captainhowarewe@hotmail.co.uk for any comments you want to add. If you've not yet listened, you're missing out on a whole host of fun. It's got clips of my stuff from The Bay, and new bits with me talking at Scorton Country Fayre and so on. It's ace. The next one will be even better.

Also, don't forget my forthcoming guest appearance on Jett Loe's Letter To America here. I feel like I've overhyped that a bit now, in that I only sent him a short clip over. It's a piece about how to make a proper English cup of tea. Still, I'm sure the rest of the podcast will be a treat.

A mate of mine was talking to me recently about "new media" and how it's different to the old way of doing things in places. One of the Golden Rules in the mainstream is you don't mention or plug other stations and channels. You wouldn't hear me go on The Bay and mention, for example, Radio 2. Even if it were in a negative light. It's just not the done thing. New media feels different in that respect. I guess that's because you don't have channels of delivery like you used to. You're almost plugging the next show on your channel. Or something.

See, the above is what happens when old media people talk about or think about the internet. We shrivel up and start to look silly. There's no reason why we should do that but we do. It's fear, pure fear of the unknown. I read an article recently that argued that the internet is not like a motorway which replaces horseback riding. It's more like trains versus a motorway, or something. Trains obviously wouldn't work on a motorway actually, now I come to think of it, but that wasn't the point he was making. He was saying something else. I think. Hew was saying the net won't replace the old way of doing things, it'll work in tandem with it. And.

I don't know. I'm starting to shrivel up again. The internet is changing everything. Mumble mumble.

NM

squirt water on your hair.

My new phone and I are not getting on and today marked a new low in relations between the two of us. Firstly, I don't like the fact it always wants me to connect to the internet. I do the slightest thing and it's asking me if it can connect. Take a picture; "Do you want to upload your pictures to your Orange account"? No, why the f#ck would I want to do that? It's even got the shortkeys wired up so that at least two of the options on the front page send you to an internet connection. Stupid.

Secondly it's switching itself off. I think. I can't prove it. I've never caught it in the act, but I'm pretty f#cking sure that's what's happening. I think it's doing it to spite me. I just haven't had the proof yet. So, it might get sent back as faulty.

Thirdly, all the fittings are new, so my old powerpack doesn't work and my old memory card isn't an option either. Holy f#ck. What is wrong with phone companies. I know people think it's to make more money and so forth, it's not. It's because they're all f#cking c#nts. That's why.

Then, this morning as I was gathering up my clothes after a shower and I watched my phone jump out of my loose trousers and land precisely on my right foot's middle toe, with a crunch. I gave out a real shocked 'girly' scream. Underneath the sound of that involuntary squeak I'm sure I heard evil laughter coming from the phone. Bloody thing.

It's just a hassle to send it back innit?

NM

Suck my wallett

I had an awful show today, loads of technical glitches. I'm just so dozy it's unbelievable. Don't quite feel myself. After the show I went round to a mate's house and watched the awesome film that is Robocop. As well as enjoying one of the finest films in the world I also learned that there is a considerable controversy surrounding sweeteners. I've had this pointed out to me on the comments board in the past* I think but having it mentioned again seemed to tie in with things a bit. I've been pumping sweetener into cups of coffee like there's no tomorrow. This funk could have been caused by toxic chemicals. I guess.

It's just been one of those days where you get to the point, about half way through, that you're sort of past laughing at things and just feeling very bored by the constant f#ck ups. Mistakes and so forth come at you from areas you couldn't have conceived of. Madness. It just wasn't my day.

There was only one incident which was obvious to the ears but there were hundreds behind the scenes.

Here's a video made by Devvo. I've mentioned him before.



*I'm sure "Leatherface" mentioned it? I sometimes get a bit behind with the comments, what with trying to pump out an entry a day.

(Monday) Ere he is.

The Monday Dog:



Direct link.

A mate of mine mentioned the absence of my old regular weekly feature, The Monday Dog, to me recently. It drifted off this page totally by accident. I just forgot to put it up. I've still got loads of dog pictures sat on my phone, people still occasionally send me them as well. I've just fallen out of the habit of posting one up every Monday. I stumbled upon the above video of a dog when I was looking round YouTube. It's a beauty. My dog used to do exactly the same thing. They're natural comedians.

Unlike me. As I'll prove this time next week when I get up on stage and perform an under-rehearsed version of my stand up set. Really nervous about it. Haven't practiced it enough. Not good. Not good.

NM

Snoring on the Sunday nite.

Don't forget about my new amazing podcast! Join all the people who download it every month. Free. And everything. Join all 45 of them as they eagerly pick apart the latest serving from the bowels of my mind. With their ears. Like little rubbish hands*.

Today was AMAZING. I went to The Kylie Minogue exhibition in Manchester where they blew my mind with loads of costumes which Kylie has worn in the past, including, the top she wears in "I Should Be So Lucky", the tiny skirt she prances about in "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" and the outfit she looks lovely in during the "Hand On Your Heart" video.

What particularly amazed me was how small Kylie is. She can't be more than five foot, at the absolute most. It just confirmed all my thoughts about her. You see, most people think I fancy Kylie in a sort of sexual way but they're wrong, it's actually far less savoury than that. In my opinion Kylie is clearly some sort of Goddess or Angel or something, probably Iris**. I'm not sure which.

I need some sort of way of worshiping her. I just can't think how that would manifest itself, you know, without being weird.

It's hard to do something that is fundamentally weird without it appearing so.

Also, a Goddess that is alive and well wouldn't half get in the way of things. I'm reminded of my previous thoughts about Kylie dying of cancer. They have living Godesses in India and it's no end of trouble. I read about one who went off with a documentary crew to America for a bit of a jolly and had to be stripped of her title.

The last thing I'd want to do is strip Kylie of anything.

NM

*Earlobes as thumbs, obviously.
**I've explained this already but my girlfriend is also clearly a Goddess of some description. I think she's more Danu than Iris though.

Starturday.

I've finished episode 2 of Homemade Nonsense. I didn't expect to get it finished on time, I've been genuinely busy with other things. The last episode got 50 listeners and 2 emails. This one will hopefully get 100 listeners and 4 emails. Perhaps you should be one of the people that sends one of those emails! The address is: captainhowarewe@hotmail.co.uk. Whack one in and I'll read it out on episode 3. In my imagination it'll just become a stream of emails in the end with me reading them out and occasionally adding wry and perceptive comments. Or something. Maybe not 'perceptive' ones but certainly comments.



I'm getting ready for my next "gig" in Manchester at Beat The Frog. It's on Monday the - I think - 23rd. Or 22nd. Without doubt on a Monday. This time I'm really going to give it some. I mean I'm really, really, going to give it some f#cking welly! The way I know this is that I'm nervous about it. Whenever I get nervous about it it goes better than when I don't. When I don't it always f#cks up.

My mate Ben sent me this new conspiracy theory thing. I've been drawn in, it's quite amazing how many things we've been lied to about over all these years. Ben, in all seriousness, believes we never went to the moon. That's one conspiracy theory I'm not prepared to take though; my childhood dreams of being a spaceman have merely been put to one side on a temporary basis.

Here's the video:



NM

PS - Don't forget my amazing podcast!

(friday) Albert An#s.

I've been tinkering with The Bay's website. Nothing you'd notice just general f#cking about really. Tried uploading video but it was too big a file. There's a bit of discussion as to the wisdom of uploading YouTube stuff. You're not actually uploading it as a matter of fact, you're embedding it. The whole thing is still hosted by YouTube. It's just cause for concern that The Bay's site is used for corporate business stuff and the last thing you need is the kid of some big time advertiser landing on some poor bugger getting happy slapped, after they follow a video link from our website.

So for the moment I'm just trying to cut through it and locate spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. Tidy it up a bit. And of course learn how to edit it properly. The man who usually does it is away at the moment so I can't ask him. It's just a case of 'here's the location and password, good luck'! The best way to do things really, trial and error.

I'm enjoying doing the drive show at the moment and today's was probably one of the most fun ones to do. There was a hell of a lot going on and it was quite exciting to feel a part of it all. I'm still making the odd minor technical mistake here and there but I think it's sounding like a good show. I can't explain how different the atmosphere is, it's a real breath of fresh air to be surrounded by people who are just enjoying doing some radio.

My mind is wandering a bit as I write...

I wonder if anyone has ever tried to combine the power of tea and coffee into one single drink? You know, like, mix the two. Perhaps that's how they intented Toffee?

I'd be lost without my sat nav.

NM

(Thursday) Kiss my little forum.

I got a text off my mate Lloyd recently: "You should read Mary Sweeney's blog. She's nice and she bigs you up on it". I've had a look and she does. It's a good blog. You should go and have a look: here. While I was at it I had a little scan through the blogosphere and also found this chap: HERE. He also says nice things about me. How nice.

Talking of nice people I'm very much enjoying the work of Jett Loe at the moment, who blogs over HERE. In fact a while ago I submitted an audio sketch to him which he reckons he's going to include in his next podcast. How exciting! My favourite bit of his work that I've stumbled across is this video here:



I'd go as far as to say that's one of the best internet only bits of media that I've ever seen. That's kind of annoying because it's exactly where I feel I should be with my internet stuff but I'm currently miles away. I can't even get a hundred people to subscribe to my podcast, let alone my YouTube videos.

NM

Dump him.

I might be wrong but, is it just me who actually finds the recent terror attacks potentially amusing? I know they're not. It's just that these terrorists seem to be adopting slapstick comedy as their primary weapon of choice. The recent press coverage of the "buck toothed half wit" whose incompetence managed to f#ck things up so conclusively during the failed terror attacks back in 2005 made for very entertaining reading. The expression on the "buffoon"'s face which was used to illustrate the stories of his stupidity in the tabloids was priceless.

But it's not funny, I know that, it's very serious. These people are 'warriors dead set on the total destruction of Western Society, in its entirety'. They're not Laurel and Hardy fans intent on a bit of hilarious mayhem. Any resemblance between the two is accidental and unfortunate. It's not funny but it does have all the hallmarks of a Mr Bean style comedy.

These twonks in Glasgow for example; they plan deadly chaos in the name of their faith and then one of them sets himself on fire, stumbles out of the car blurting out something along the lines of "I'll fight you" before getting a good solid Scottish style beating. His 'awesome terror strike' mearly results in him being tarnished with 90% burns and being assured that he'll spend the rest of his life in agony. And jail. That's not funny. It's not. Even though it sort of makes me smile to think of him. All the bullsh#t floating round his head and then right at the last minute reality catches up with him. Turns out God wasn't on his side. Turns out he was just a w#nker.

Meanwhile his intended victims have all come off looking like heroes. Some of them acted like heroes. Others chanted "let the b#stard burn" as he lay, in agony, wondering which part of his 'divine' plan went wrong.

It's not funny*.

It's really not. And I'm not suggesting that it is.

NM

*Well, perhaps it is just a little bit.

Bluesday in the shoes on the day.

I had a great show tonight. I'm really enjoying working at The Bay. It's a very happy experience. Radio can be a drag sometimes but, for whatever reason, at the moment I really feel like I've sort of re-connected with something. I think perhaps it's the absence of ALPHA -f#cking- MALES. There just aren't any at The Bay. At least, none that I've come across. Everyone's just happy to be there and enjoying the experience of working in one of the best industries in the world. Bonus.

I'm all set to take over the drive time show tomorrow. Andy Lawson is going on holiday for a bit and it'll be fun to work during the day for a while. Hopefully this means I'll be able to crack on with the new podcast which is due out very soon; Homemade Nonsense II. In my imagination I planned to put one out every month. The Terror Attacks one, was a sort of impulse release which doesn't figure into the equation. This means that my next release date is the end of this week.

Can't dissapoint my 40 or so subscribers!

You know, it doesn't make any sense to me, that's less than half the number of people who read this blog! Why is the blog the biggest of all my internet things? I've got 18 subscribers on my YouTube account. 18? That's hardly anyone. That Warren25Smash bloke has thousands! His excited and naive rants get a bigger audience than my sh#t. Arrgh. That irks a bit. I can't lie about that. It irks me.

Why is it that I can't force the audience that regularly reads this blog over to other media forms?

Arrgh.

See, I've annoyed myself in the middle of a blog entry now. As a consequence I've lost my thread and sort of f#cked things up a bit. That's your fault. If you're one of the many people who are content with the blog alone and don't want to get involved with The YouTube and The Podcast.

Hurrumph.

NM

Flow oh o over the tie high I tide.

I'm thinking of recording a novelty pop song. I've got all the lyrics written out and everything. In fact the whole thing is already written and done. It's just seven years old. So I'm going to re-record it. Maybe with a rock band or something. The song is called "I'm a Virgin" and it's not very much unlike the song "Like a Virgin" which Madonna sang in the 80's. I think it's time to re-record it and turn it into a YouTube video. So I've re-written it and I'm now musing over how and when I'm going to make it into a noise.

Once made I'll use my nice new phone* to do a music video on. You know, for MTV, VH1, Z-tv and The YouTube. Once I've put it up on The YouTube it'll be a huge viral video success in the same league as, for example, Feed The Birds!** God, I'm excited about this. I want the video to feature the rock band, rocking the f#ck out in the background and stuff. It'll be amazing.

The only problem is finding the rock band. I'm going to go down to an old haunt of mine known as The Musician's Co-Op. I'm sure to find a rock band there! I think.

Also, I've recieved exciting news from The Bay. I'm to be thier new website person. They've read my blog and got the impression that I know stuff about computers. Good eh? The only bad news is that they're not sure they can link from The Bay to my blog as it's a little rude in places. I'd disagree with that in that I do censor it but the title Straight From The Nicholarse was deemed a little naughty. Not to worry. The blog has managed to gather a momentum of it's own over the last year so I think we'll survive without a link from their site.

Quite excited about being given control of The Bay website though. Got big plans for it. Going to do videos and stuff. Ace.

NM

*Why do they insist on giving you a new phone? It has caused me no end of f#cking about; my number got barred by accident! F#cking rubbish. I like my old phone. It's a f#cking man's phone it is. You could build a house with it. Videos for ages as well. F#cking smart that. New one looks much more lightweight. Pansy's phone. Ruined.

**Yes indeed ladies and gentlemen, roll up, roll up! Here's the massive viral video success that is, Feed The Birds! Almost easily over half of one hundred people have watched this awesome artistic achievement. It's amazing. It was an internet sensation, in a way. I said when I made it "blimey, I never expected it to be that successful". I later went on to say that "my blog gets over 100 readers, that means half of the c#nts didn't even bother to watch this all the way through". Behold, Feed The Birds:



I wonder how many people will ignore it a second time? Probably even more.

This bit didn't work, at work.

I'm enjoying the new world that is sprawling out around us. I like that popstars are making little blogs for their fans, like this one by Natasha Bedingfield:



Direct link.

It's good to see her with her hair messed up a bit, doing her vocal exercises and talking boll#cks. Even if I do still feel a little betrayed by her song "These Words".


Why would that be?

Click on the link to find out!

Don't carry on reading this until you've read why.


Seriously.


Get the f#ck off this entry if you've not found out yet!


Right... in theory the only people who are still reading this have read my previous entry on Natasha Bedingfield. Now, let me explain. I've linked to her blog entry in an attempt to draw her attention to my reaction to her song; "These Words". It's a longshot but I reckon if I can get enough people to follow the link from here to her YouTube video she (or at least someone who represents her) might check out the original entry about why "These Words" dissapointed me. It's really f#cking unlikely but I was gutted by the way things turned out with that song. Seriously. I want to like her but it's hard to, I feel betrayed. Arrgh.

I'm stuck in the YouTube world at the moment. It's not good.

In my wanderings I've also stumbled across this bloke, "warren25smash" :



Direct link.

He f#cking loves it!

He's got around 7,000 subscribers! Brilliant. Clearly a bit of an internet specific phenomenan but nontheless a legend.

NM

It's got a big cut between the big one and the second in command.

Sat infront of the telly, watching a bit of that "Live Earth" thing. It's been organised by Al Gore. Want a little fact about Al Gore?

The average household in America consumes 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year but in 2006, Gore devoured nearly 221,000 kWh — more than 20 times the average.

Last August alone, Gore burned through 22,619 kWh — guzzling more than twice the electricity in one month that an average American family uses in an entire year.

In total, Gore paid nearly $30,000 in combined electricity and natural gas bills for his Nashville estate in 2006.


That made me chuckle when I read it. Largely because it confirms my personal belief that criticism tells you more about the critic than the criticised. They're all banging on about how WE should be less wasteful when in truth it's that lot who are the worst of all. I don't fly round the world in an aeroplane. I've taken four flights in my life. I remember reading an interview with some twonk who was a spokesperson for som enviromental group who argued that they used aeroplanes a lot to 'spread the message of Green' or whatever. Their argument was that as they were campaigning for the environment it didn't matter that they were also doing damage to it in the process.

The TV coverage is nothing more than farcical. Graham Norton announces, presumable as part of a pre-recorded segment, that "ooh, Ricky Gervais has just walked onstage...". The picture then cuts to one of a bored crowd. Someone's left a camera on a pole in shot. This runs for about 2 minutes or so until some audio of Edith Bowman comes in over the top and the shot pans down to reveal her fawning over some f#ckskull from Metallica. We learn that this gig was for his children, so they could live in a better world. Chr#st. I wonder how many people shot themselves in the head around the world at that precise moment? There must be one or two. Not necessarily because they were watching him. Just because they'd had enough of the world.

"Do you think events like this are important?" sp#nks Edith with a grin. She's too old to be that stupid. It's awkward to watch.

In the end we cut to another shot and after a few seconds Ricky Gervais finally bumbles out onto the stage, swearing; "we're behind time so I'm only here for 30 seconds, whether Elton John's f#cking ready or not". Somehow this appearance is even more embarrasing than the Diana concert one, to which he is alluding*.

Thing like Live Earth are embarrasing. I was embarrased to be watching it. Chris Rock summed the whole thing up with this intentionally amusing quote:

"I hope this ends Global Warming in the same way that Live Aid ended poverty".

NM

* Links: CLICK HERE and HERE.

Two possibles come in at once. How funny.

I'm engaging YouTubers in debates. I can't help it. I've got some sort of bug. Currently I'm debating the right of the Phelps family to 'freedom of speech' (click here, I'm Johnnythreepants) and the conspiracy theory monkeys who get their facts wrong (here, again as Johnnythreepants).

The discussion about the Phelps family runs something like this:


koolgiy:


Can SOMEONE,
PLEASE
bring a paintball, or a bb gun with a scope to one of these things and seriously injure them from on top of a building.

Wait.

Better yet, bring a sniper and kill them.


JohnnyThreePants (me)

You disagree with their right to freedom of speech? Good luck posting on things like YouTube when people like you get their way.

koolgiy

Im not disagreeing with their right to freedom of speech, but when you go to soldiers funerals saying 'Thank God for IEDs' and 'Thank God for Katrina', as well as saying America and basically everyone besides those in the WBC are fucked, you have to draw the line somewhere. Theres a line between; getting your point across, and hate speech. These people are on the hate speech side.


JohnnyThreePants

So were you yourself not indulging in a bit of "hate speech" when you called for a sniper to kill them?

Like I say, good luck posting things like that when people like you get your own way.

NM


koolgiy

I think me and a number (about a billion or more) want that to happen. So its not exactly just me.

JohnnyThreePants

I agree. The majority do want an end to free speech. One day, you lot will get your way and the world will be a lot poorer for it.


--

What I love is that the guy firstly denies he's opposed to freedom of speech, which he plainly is, and then secondly he backs off with the classic; 'well everyone else was saying mean things too'. It was a fun discussion I think it's ended there though as he's not replied again.

Then there's the conspiracy theory monkeys who are getting all hot and sticky over Alex Jones. Unfortunately no one has replied to my comment identifying a flaw (which my mate noticed) in the documentary Terrorstorm. The narrative argues that Tony Blair needed the terror attacks to win the election. I pointed out, along with another poster, that:

I agree with blue69revolver. Tony Blair won the election BEFORE the bombings. It's a factual error which discredits the whole documentary. I emailed Prisonplanet about this error when the documentary came out. Still waiting for my reply.

Ironically no one has a reply to that one.

Conspiracy theories are great, right up until the moment they hit reality. It gets embarrassing around that point.

NM

Shaznay is licking my ear hole.

This chap's pretty good. I saw him with his poetry collective Aisle 16 at Glastonbury a couple of years ago.



I was excited to recieve an email off my old associate Craig Pilling recently after I mentioned him in this entry here.

He seems to be doing well for himself and he mentioned the story which I allude to in the entry*.

It's one of the odd consequences of having a blog which gets readers. I honestly do forget that people read this most of the time. There seems to be prolonged periods where nobody passes comment on anything here and this causes me to lull myself into a false sense of security in what I write. I end up just burbling away without thinking and then am surprised when some of my words here have a consequence, be it good or bad.

I'm enjoying doing The Love Zone on The Bay. Here's a sample of one of the letters I read out last night:

Melanie in Lancaster would just like to say hello to her husband Dennis. Dennis is a dentist by trade and Melanie used to be his patient. She says: "I was always nervous until I met him. When I lay on my back and he went inside my mouth I was totally relaxed. The filling he gave me then is one of the best I've ever had."

How romantic!

I wonder if you can think of a few nice romantic letters written in a simmilar vein? If you can pop it either in the comments section of this entry or email it to Captainhowarewe@hotmail.com. I'll mention it here if I use any of them.

NM

* Now there's a f#cking memory! I'd be up the creek if I were to try and remember anything I did on air so much as three months ago, let along 6 years back. Good man.

Blow a lump of reason deep into your treason.

The show went well today. I'm doing evenings on The Bay. My new compettiton where you have to guess the female tennis player by their gruntings, "who's grunt is it anyway... on The Bay", went well. I tried to do the exact same feature on a previous radio station I worked at a few years ago and was told (by a man) that women wouldn't like it. Ironic then that on tonight's show I had a full switch board of ... women calling in to tell me the answer! Well done everybody.

Loving the story of Gordon The 78 year old tramp who can tell the time without a watch:



And here's a YouTube video which is an excellent addition to the above report:



I love that in this video you can hear someone saying, "stop it, stop it", because they think their mate is taunting Gordon. Then the timecheck is almost spot on and the reaction in the car is priceless. Genius.

NM

My nose tip is bleeding. Matron!

Urrgh. I need to stop watching rubbish. This video is a prime example:



Direct link is here.

Illuminati symbolism is the sort of thing you just can't switch off once you've been told about it. An eye and a big pyramid is the classic one. What's our obsession with pyramids? And eyes? Particularly eyes like this:



Seriously, once you get into this stuff it's all over the place. I just can't help but think that perhaps it's a bit like The Bible Code where we see what we want to see. And, more importantly we see and make connections which aren't there in reality.

It's a good bit of nonsense though and no doubt about that.

I've pretty much all but given up conspiracy theories really. There's no point in them. They don't serve you well.

NM

(Monday) Winding up the clock of time and then eating it all up like a big mouse.

We're shopping and my girlfriend isn't allowed to buy three packets of painkiller. "I'm sorry I can't sell you all of those", the teenage till operator apologises.

We're in Tesco. The shop assistant is embarrased, we're embarrased, it's an embarrasing situation. Even the people in the queue behind us are unsure how to react. The reason the rule is there is because if you take too many pain killers you can die. This means that there's an implication that my girlfriend is either suicidal or stupid. It sets up a hierarchy between us and the lad who is working at the tills, currently apologetically blinking at me and my girlfriend. The tacit suggestion is that this spotty little kid is actually some sort of hero, leaping in at the last minute to save my poor girlfriend's life.

It might seem petty but I believe that in life the devil is in the detail. Little things like this can tell you an awful lot about society.

In my opinion, the idea will have been worked out somewhere by a committee of people, none of whom will have ever had to implement the policy personally. It's an extension of our soceities gradual decline as those in power choose to treat others as if they were all idiots. George Orwell once wrote that the more fool-proof we make our society the more we create "a world fit for fools". The old adage treat "people like children and they act like children" springs to mind. The shop assistant was right to feel embarrased.

I went to a different till and bought the extra box of painkillers myself as I mused that "there would have been no such problem had we been buying lethal quantities of alcohol".

People often misunderstand my thoughts on the recently imposed smoking ban in public places but I see it as an extension of this "you lot are all f#ckwits" mentality. There's no room to rejoice when it comes to the fact that the majority have stepped in and forced a minority to stop doing something they enjoy. "All political decisions are moral decisions" - Tony Benn Glastonbury 2007. The moral choice here is do you patronise adults with measures that insult their intelligence simply to appease a political campaign which mearly serves to detract from worthwhile debate about genuine change? If the answer is yes then I believe you're immoral.

Arrgh. I've wound myself up. I'm going to buy some painkillers and end it all. See you tomorrow when my life has been saved by a Tesco till tart.

NM

I pulled the truth from the bone.

Me and the lady sat and watched Sir Trevor McDonald's 'hilarious' comedy TV programme tonight. It was amazing. It's in the "so bad it's almost good" bracket. The delivery was stilted the material was flat and the edits on the laughter track were awful, really awful. It's got to be one of the most badly made programmes I've seen in years. Incredible.

The only amusing thing on it was this video clip from YouTube:



DIRECT LINK.

I'm pretty sure I've seen it before. Brilliant. It had me laughing for ages when I saw it on telly.

It's in the same league as this classic:



DIRECT LINK.

Back on the subject of the Trevor McDonald thing, I noticed with interest that no writer credits emerged at the end of the show, only "programme associates".

I bumped into Trevor McDonald once. Literally, in the houses of Parliament. There's no story there really. It was just an incident, I bumped into the bloke. I must have been about 16 at the time. We apologised to each other and moved on. In the process of doing so I realised who he was and went: "oh, it's the news bloke, that bloke oh".

It was a bit like the time when I bumped in the comedian Dan Nightingale in Tesco recently. Tired after going round Glastonbury I recognised his face like you would a friend's. I reacted a bit slowly and went "ahh, it's matey who does the thing". Then I remembered that I don't know him and said, "hello mate, you don't know me but it's good to see you". Then I wandered off. As I did so I realised none of that will have made any sense. We ended up queuing behind him and I went over and explained myself, apparently it's not an uncommon thing to happen to him.

I feel as though I'm on the very fringes of the Manchester Comedy scene. The absolute edges. I was greeted twice when I went to see Stewart Lee at Bar XS. Once by a bloke who does stand up and has a good joke about the milky bar kid and then secondly by someone I didn't recognise. The latter makes me think I'm slowly worming my way into "the inner ring"*.

NM

PEEP SHOW QUOTE: "I'm in the inner ring, I always knew there was an inner ring".

Losing. It's all the same to me.

Obviously like everyone else I'm horrified at what's happened today. Terrorist attacks on UK soil, designed to cause massive casualties. Awful.

I've always thought that things like this simply harden everyone's pre-existing beliefs. If you're part of the BNP "send 'em back" brigade, you'll just think that more strongly today. If you're a radical Islamist who demands the total destruction of Western Judeo-Christian society, in its entirety, then you'll be feeling that idea more now than before. If you're a peace protestor who wants to end the war in Iraq you'll be shaking your head and thinking you've been proved right. If you're someone who supported the war in Iraq you'll also be nodding and saying "I told you so".

It's ideas and debate that change people's minds, not violence and destruction. All you get when people start fighting is closed minds and hard hearts. The last thing you need in a fight is the uncertainty of a discussion.

That's what's so seductive about the "conspiracy theory" angle. These attacks will improve Gordon Brown's standing as PM. There's no doubt about that. An enemy to rally the country against is exactly what his premiership needed to get off to a good start. It sounds absurd but his advisers will, in my opinion, be over the moon with this.

Look back in history to Margret Thatcher; she was massively unpopular and sure to lose the election until she waged war against the Argentinians. Once the country was involved in the campaign there was no choice but to rally behind our leader. These terror attacks work in the same way. No point in being divided while some nut jobs try and kill us, all.

I mentioned in this post here that I feel a little bit guilty that South Yorkshire no longer has a proper talkshow anymore. I feel this even more today. Here's a link to an old clip from the show when the attacks of 7/7 occured: here.

I imagine it's the sort of debate we would have been having on Sunday had the show continued.

NM

(Friday) Myne little arze.

Tonight I stood in for Dave Miller on The Bay. He does the 7pm-12pm shift. It was a really good night, lots of people calling in and saying 'hello'. I like working at The Bay, there's a nice vibe to the whole thing. It seems very friendly. Some stations seem to lose touch with their audience a bit and get lost in showbiz at times. It's always mistified me when that happens. Sort of ruins the point of local radio.

The only annoying thing about the show was that the air-con is screwed. They've got a fan and a big makeshift air con unit in the corner of the room which I used without mercy for the first few hours. Turns out that was a big mistake; my eyes went all gooey and my voice turned to a dull husk. I also left the fan on during a few links so it sounded like I was in a small aeroplane at times, negotiating my way over the channel inbetween songs.

I'm struggling with my YouTube account currently. Videos like the one posted below are gathering a life of their own and being linked to by sites I don't really understand. One of them is this site: CLICK HERE. It's called Digg. I think I understand it, you use it to promote stuff. But I'm not sure really what it is. What annoys me is there's a load of comments on there, about my video, but I can't reply to them. Here's what they say:


by khandy:

Sometimes wars get started not because of the colours of peoples skin but because they speak a different language or believe in a different higher power...which is even sadder.

by linktothepast:


This isn't comedy. It is a statement of how ridiculous violence is.


by FlapJaw 20 hours ago:

What is this sh#t?

by mntbikeracer1 18 hours ago:

WTF is this cr#p, huh?


--


Now, they're all entitled to their opinions but it irks me somewhat that I can't reply without having to join some website that I don't really understand. So instead I'll reply here:


The sketch in question was written when I was about 19 or 20. To me that's really obvious, it's got a cold war feel to it. As a result it feels a little out of date. It also feels a little preachy and I think nowadays my politics are a little different to those expressed there. I made it because I was getting the hang of Windows Media Editor and had the audio lying around from ages ago. It's not my favourite piece by any stretch of the imagination. I much prefer my Gandhi video, it sums up my thoughts on the whole issue of war far better. However I still stand by the sketch about "What Happens When You Die". It's not "sh#t", it's just not "great". It's a mood piece man. It's an idea. So there.


I'm not sure if I feel better for that rant. I think perhaps not. I need to just let these videos live their lives a bit.


It's also been linked to by this blog here. It seems like a good blog, by virtue of the fact it's linked to one of my YouTube videos. Go and have a look.

Here's the video in question:



NM

Sheet-light, street-light, spin the dim meat-fight.

I forgot my pin number! I just totally forgot it. I'm stood at a cash machine and I can't f#cking remember what I'm supposed to do. "Bow's locks," goes my mind, "by the almighty locks of bow," it says again. I try a few numbers but it's not letting me look at my haggared and beaten bank account. "Bore logs" grunts my mind. I'm almost too busy thinking of creative swearing now and I'm confused. How can I have just forgotten my pin number? It's really easy to remember. I just can't remember it.

Maybe I'm stressed.

Maybe I ate too many beef burgers in the early 90's.

Maybe my mispent youth is finally catching up with me. I always suspected those mushrooms were a bit funny.

I can't remember it though. I'm going to have to admit defeat and walk away... confused and beaten. Ruined.

It's not long until I remember it while I'm driving off in the car. I think it's caused by the fact that I'm dyslexic. I used to forget how to spell words when I was under stress, like for example, during an exam. Nowadays I'm a lot more comfortable with the fact that my mind is a little off target. It gives me a different perspective on things. But it's still annoying when it means you can't do simple things like remember your pin number. I'll be annoyed if it happens again.

NM

(Wednesday) Winning.

Blo#dy hell! Look at what's happened in Sheffield:

NEWS STORY
BBC RADIO SHEFFIELD LINK.

I'm in shock as I watch the footage. I can't believe it. Madness. Total madness. I seem to have managed to avoid hearing about it all day. It makes me miss my old City.

I'm in a nostalgic mood generally today.

For various reasons I'm listening to a lot of my old phone in show tapes at the moment. Some of the stuff I've heard is, although good, not quite fit for the purpose I need it for. It does however make for a good YouTube video.

Hence:



It's already got five stars so why not log in and give it a high five yourself? The more stars it gets the more I'll make. I've got days and days of audio sat in my garage. I could practically stream a 24 radio show of the stuff without repeating myself for about two weeks. The only problem is that it's not in any sort of order. Most of it isn't even labelled! Nor is it divided up into tracks. It's just 90 minute audio chunks on 100's of CDs. One day, probably when I'm old and grey, I'll sort through it all properly.

I ended up listening to the show I did on the night on the July 7th terror attacks. It's an odd experience, they work like little time capsules. Loads of people from South Yorkshire giving their viewpoints on one of the country's most significant events. I still passionately believe that people who live in the area deserve their own forum for opinionated, lively debate. It's a shame that none of them feel they are able to provide that anymore. After what's happened this week I actually feel a bit guilty, like I've let them down.

NM

(Tuesday) Pull my singer.

Me and the lady went to see Stewart Lee doing his new stand up show today at Bar XS in Manchester. Although we've seen him before he seemed slightly shorter this time. He was also a little chubbier than I remember him. He spoke in his set about going to weight watchers, something which requires a lot of bravery, in the same sort of league as say; "a fireman or a policeman". His new stuff is great. Really great. Me and my lady laughed like little kids. Here's her review of the event CLICK HERE NOW.

Unlike her I can remember his set pretty clearly. He talked about Tom Conner, going to weight watchers, being commissioned to write a TV series that was never broadcast, having his first child, the Big Brother racism controversy and Russell Brand. It was awesome. He unwittingly fights a battle in my head with Simon Munnery for comedic supremacy. I'm not sure who is winning at the moment.

We bought a CD of his before leaving the venue and were both full of excitement at having found a new comedy venue in Manchester: XS Malarkey. Their regular compare is Toby Hadoke, the fella who features in the video of my stand up at Beat The Frog.

On the subject of YouTube videos I'm a little annoyed to see that some of my creations have been copied from my YouTube site and posted onto other rival sites. That seems a little ungentlemanly to me. It means I can't keep track of how many people have watched my vids. Arrgh! Annoying.

NM

Stinky magic isn't fun**. (Monday) ... in which Pooh learns the meaning of Qwot.

We woke up with rain splashing in our faces at around 8am. It's been heaving it down all night and our tent has finally given up. It can't be bothered to keep us dry anymore. We packed up and got to the car around 9am. It was nice to finally sit in a comfortable, dry, air conditioned enviroment. On went the radio. We tuned into 'Worthy FM' and some bloke was banging on about how great it was backstage and how cool these dudes were that he'd met there. "They played this weird odd music," he enthused, "it was totally fabulous". Then on came what I can only describe as total f#cking sh#t music. Off went the radio.

I was a little dissapointed. I'd heard that a guy called Craig Pilling worked on Worthy FM and I'd been sort of hoping I'd catch a little bit of him. Years ago I remember hearing him do a 30 minute link about being in a taxi with some guy who explained how The Bible can tell you how old God is or something. It was 30 minutes of talk which I was gripped by. All this on student radio! He was a genuine talent. He now works in the seedy world of commercial radio so might have had his 'creative wings' clipped a bit in recent times, I'm not sure. I imagine he doesn't do 30 minute monologues about The Bible anymore but he was a good egg and I'd have been interested to hear him.

I decided to pop a bit of The Captain* on instead. My poor girlfriend doesn't appreciate him yet. It'll just take time, nothing more.

It took us FOUR HOURS worth of time to get offsite in the end. The rain kept falling and the mud got deeper and thicker. Every third car seemed to get stuck in the mud at some point and there were tractors and stewards all over the place trying to pull them out. Our car didn't get stuck but it did have to wait while others were helped along the way. My mate who travelled in a different car with his wife also got stuck on the site but he was there for SEVEN HOURS! In the end he set off a little later than us and was held back longer as a consequence, so having our crap tent wake us up in the morning proved to be a good thing.

Madness.

NM

* Who's The Captain? Captain Beefheart! He's ace. Everyone should dig his funky vibe. Good for ya! Here's one of his pop songs.

Perhaps I could include it in the podcast?

Today has been an absolute cracker. We spent quite a lot of time in "The Leftfield Tent" where we watched, amongst other things, Mark Thomas and Tony Benn. Mark Thomas came along and told his story about demonstrating in London which formed part of the material which I sort of reviewed here. As is evident in that entry I'm increasingly uncomfortable around people who are self consciously "left wing". They annoy me. Smug, self satisfied, pompous, hippies. That's not to say that I am therefore "right wing", I'm neither, I just have aproblem with people who think they're saving the world, want me to pay more tax and tell me how to live my life. As far as I'm concerned, so long as I'm not hurting anyone, it's up to me how I spend my money and go about my business. A lot of "lefties" seem to have a big problem with that.

That said... I loved Tony Benn's speech. It was awesome. "All political decisions are moral decisions," his voice boomed out, "we are the first generation who have been presented with a choice; we have the technology and skills to solve the world's problems or destroy it forever". Excellent stuff. It was exciting to see a real politician spout his brain juice. Not that I trust or believed a word of it. I also have a problem with politicians. I tend to subscribe to the old idea that anyone who wants to rule us should automatically be disqualified from applying for the job.

After we watched a few comedians doing their stuff we then went off and watched some bands, none of which I remember or knew anything about.

Then we saw The Who. Now, I remember being dissapointed on behalf of my mates Anthony Wootton and Toby Foster who both went to see The Who and came home more than gutted at how rubbish they were. Both of them are big fans of the band and as I recall it neither of them enjoyed the show they saw. Ruined.

When I saw them at Glastonbury though, they were nothing short of amazing! Really, really, really good. It rained throughout the whole performance but I was spellbound. I surprised myself with the number of tunes I recognised and was really drawn in to the interplay between Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey.

Here's a clip of them:



The Who have always been an awesome festival band. I'll never forget having a cheeky smoke with my mate Anthony Wootton watching this particular performance of one of their best tunes, "Listening to you", which they also performed at Glastonbury*.



Genius.

We plan to sleep in tomorrow and wait until everyone else has left the site before we pack up our tent and go. It should mean we don't get stuck in all the queues of people trying to leave. Part of me thinks I'd be ok to drive off now but the part of me that's sane knows that'd be stupid.

NM

*Can't find video of the Glastonbury one.

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