Why don't aeroplanes flap their wings?

That aeroplanes do not flap their wings always upsets me. I'd just feel safer if they did, it might make the experience seem less reliant upon magick. As if to add to the weirdness of the experience, a flight from Amsterdam to London Gatwick is precisely the right length of time needed to walk up and down the plane with a drinks and food trolley. It's almost as if they have added a little extra to the journey just to give them enough time to try and flog you things. They sold, amongst other things, perfume and toys. What sort of toy or perfume would make an appropriate mid-air gift?

What about a bottle of Hijack? That'd be fun to order. You could shout it really loud when you asked for it. You know, to sort of show them or something. It'd really teach everyone a lesson about commercialism and stuff.

"Eh, here's one for you then, ho ho, you'll like this, ah... what's that one called with the angels where they're all falling out of the sky from a great height. Do you know the one. It's called like, we're all going to die because people aren't meant to fly or something. Even the angels get hurt when they fly or something..."

Then as you try and describe the advert you can enjoy the excitement your display is adding to everyone else's journey. Time for a change of tack, these people aren't getting the brilliance of your comedy. "Lets bring out the big guns," it's time to shout "... ha, ha, toy ones of course!".

This is sure to make everyone really react to you. In the ensuing chaos I think it's time to make some demands. Firstly blame everyone else for what's happened. Secondly demand they all apologise. Thirdly, be ruthless when the film rights emerge to this. No agents fees are worth getting ---ked in the long run when it comes to your legacy! Tell them that straight from yer ol' pal Nick Margerrison... also er, -

Meh, my mind is waffling ten to the dozen. The plane lands and no one has bought a toy, or perfume. Just a couple of lads have hot cheese toasties that they've realised they may as well eat once they get off the plane.



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