148 - The cult explores polyamoury, animals, dreams,


Melissbian tweets here: https://twitter.com/Melissbian

 

Richard Conniff is here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Conniff

 

Rory Freedman is here: http://www.roryfreedman.com/

 

Stanley Krippner is here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanley_Krippner

 

Stephane Wuttunee used to write stuff here: http://www.unexplained-mysteries.com/columnindex.php?cat=Stephane%2BWuttunee

 

I tweet here: https://twitter.com/NickMargerrison


Check out this episode!

Comments

Anonymous said…
Wahey. I just stumbled across that footage of Youth FM. Who was that optimistic young hippy in the headphones?
I'm still enjoying the cult, keep on trucking, Nick.

Andy Mac
Melissbian said…
In two parts. It's too long :(

Am I in love?

First we must define what you mean by Love, and debate whether that concept is realistic and sustainable. You said that one day you're (and by "you're" I assume you mean anyone and everyone who might hear this) going to find someone and you're going to "fall in love with them for the rest of your life and you're never, ever, ever going to want to part from them." That sounds very nice, a sort of Disney, sparkles-and-spontaneous-rainbows-at-the-wedding-that-just-so-happens-to-be-10-days-after-you've-met kind of warm fuzzy. But is that very realistic?

Does "forever" need to be a part of the equation? Can you have been in love with someone if it didn't last forever? As of 2014, in the U.S. (I don't have very good numbers for the UK; sorry), for every two marriages there is one divorce. This is where the rumor of a 50% divorce rate mistakenly comes from; I don't want to explain it now, but that's not really what those numbers mean. Still, this is a high number of marriages ending. Does it mean that the people were not in love when they got married? Perhaps some were not, but it is a strong statement to say that the emotions that led them to marriage were not love. Was I not in love with my ex-girlfriend of 2 years because it turned out that when we moved in together, our personalities grated away at each other? I don't believe that the feelings which fueled our time together are negated simply because our relationship ended. They can't have been. That's why it hurt to break things off.

No, for me, love does not need to be forever. In current, middle class society, love is held as the most important thing to keep a relationship happy. However, current middle class society also requires your spouse to be your best friend and confidante, your financial investor and partner, the guardian of your children, your decorator, your chef, your therapist, your nurse, your receptacle for all of the little personal injustices you need to get off your chest, your co-housekeeper and, when they've finished doing all of those things, a smashing lover 2.5 nights a week. Every week. Forever.
Melissbian said…
Second part.

That is a lot of pressure to place on a single person, and I am not trying to say that no one is able to carry the life-burden of another in this manner. But, with conservative estimates of infidelity among married adults at 30-60%, it is clear that the Disney version of love is not working a lot of the time. 30-60% of married people are finding they need something else, and they are willing to risk hurting their spouse to find it. Does that mean they no longer love their spouse? Maybe; but I'm unwilling to state that anyone who cheats on their spouse no longer loves them. I'll not speculate on why cheating happens; I am sure the reasons are as complex and multifaceted as Love. Rather, I will state that it happens, and I believe the ethical, honest response is to discuss the topic of extra-pair relationships with your spouse before they happen. That way, both partners can discuss their fears and worries; they can establish boundaries and rules that make them feel safe within the relationship that is suddenly taking in new members. This is not to say that polyamory is a "cheating band-aid." It's not. It takes lots of time and consciousness and care for everyone involved. It's hard work, but it's honest, and it's open, and it's collaborative.

So, am I in love? Yes. I'm in love with a woman with whom I've been for ten years. We've built a life together, we keep a lovely home, and we're caring for two cats. She listens to me talk about my day and takes care of me when I'm miserable with a cold. She is infinitely patient and a magnificent curry chef. She's an idealist and an arm-chair philosopher, passionate about her beliefs. I hope that I am as supportive of her as she is of me, every day. And, I am in love with a woman who is an artist and a dancer. Her home is with another but, then, so is mine, and that is good. The time we spend together is short but valuable. She is enthusiastic about a dizzying number of things, but that is often transformed into a buoying energy for those around her. Both women enrich my life in different ways, and my relationship with each of them is different in terms of time and activity. But, spending time with each of them gives me more to discuss when next we are reunited. It reminds me to be grateful for the time and energy each pours into me, and to be mindful and actively seek to remind each of what she means to me. I say "thank you" more, since opening my relationship, and I mean it. With more love, more people with whom I can share the burden of living, more confidantes, I find that I feel more support and therefore have more energy to return to my partners.

Am I in love? Yes, with two wonderful women.
Dave Voce said…
Hi Nick, I told my 6 year old daughter that there was an election coming up and that instead of voting I was going to draw a picture or write a poem, quick as a flash she came up with a poem for me... 'Miliband is red, Cameron is blue, shove the lot of them down the loo.' I've no idea where she gets her subversive attitude from. But then I heard your podcast last week with your guest saying that if we put a couple of letters in each of the boxes it would be a vote a system that held reforendums on all issues, maybe without anyone in charge. Have I understood that correctly? If we had that it would make it even more important that everyone learns about the subjects and we don't just rely on Murdoch etc to brainwash us, but then again the responsibility might make up more engaged citizens. So a great idea, but is it better than the poem. Cheers.

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